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I recently received a phone call from a mom of three teens who had attended one of my Kids’ Brains and Screens workshops. We spoke for an hour. In desperation, she admitted that the biggest parenting mistake she’d made to date was giving her kids smartphones in 8th grade. She said that when her kids were in elementary school, she and her husband had agreed to wait till the end of high school to hand out smartphones. But they ended up giving them earlier. She said her kids were upset over group texts and social media, and after reviewing their content, she discovered that her children were being exposed to pornography regularly. She shared how things had gone from bad to worse in her home and how she and her husband had spent the last year trying to undo that one big mistake. “I don’t know why I caved in and gave my kids smartphones in the first place,” she stated. 

Unfortunately, this regret is common. Parents of adolescents will report that the decision to give a smartphone is the one thing they would go back and change if they could go back in time. The truth is, 8th grade is not a smart age for a smartphone—and neither is the rest of adolescence—but it is the grade most parents cave. Why do strong parents allow smartphones to win the battle in their homes? In my experience over the past eight years of working with families, there are many ways to get tripped up by the smartphone decision. Here are a few of the many reasons why parents cave:

“It’s not that big of a deal; smartphones can’t really hurt my kids.”

The biggest reason parents cave is because they don’t know what they don’t know about the science and risks behind adolescent screen use. Smartphone use is causing a mental health crisis. Parents don’t understand the neuroscience of child brain development and the high risks behind the content their kids will see. However, most parents are not neuroscientists. If you don’t understand basic facts about adolescent brain development and the dopamine addiction risk, you will likely cave. You will incorrectly assume that your teen’s brain is as developed as an adult brain, leading you to think that the teen smartphone decision is just another parenting decision with lots of opinions and emotional hype. Because parents use smartphones differently than teens, they don’t always understand the layers of harmful use specific to teens. Education is critical for success when making life-changing decisions, such as allowing teenagers to use smartphones.

Once you understand the risks vs benefits ratio, your decision will be easy and ironclad. 

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“Everyone else is giving in. I didn’t realize I could say no.”

The herd mentality is ingrained in human nature as a survival instinct. Historically, sticking with the larger group meant better chances of finding food and safety. Being part of the herd was and remains a crucial survival strategy. But we don’t have to go along with the herd if it is heading the wrong way. You have permission to say no to cultural trends that are not good for your kids. 

Don’t be the parent who makes decisions based on what the crowd is doing. Look what happened with smoking, which was once marketed as healthy. It takes a leader to break out of harmful group habits. 

“Thirteen is the age of digital maturity because that is the age listed on social media platforms.” 

The first thing we hear—our anchoring bias—is tough to change, even if it is a myth. Our brain doesn’t want to expend energy confronting and changing our bias. We don’t think twice because it takes energy and it is hard to think twice. 

The myth about the age of 13 is an excellent example of how this anchoring bias works. Most parents believe that 13 is the recommended age for a smartphone because we see that age listed as the minimum age requirement for social media accounts. Parents believe this age requirement is like movie and video game ratings, meaning that 13-year-olds should be mature enough to handle the content that social media companies allow. But this is not true. The fact is, the age of 13 was set by the 1998 Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) before social media was even invented—four years before Facebook and seven years before the iPhone. The law determined that no online site could collect data and personal information from children under 13 without a parent’s consent. This law had nothing to do with maturity—it was only about collecting personal data from kids. A recent British study shows that puberty is a sensitive period for harm from social media. 

This is a perfect example of how dangerous an anchoring bias can be and how we must work hard to learn the truth behind the influences on our parenting decisions. Thirteen is not the age of online maturity; if every parent could see past this anchoring bias, the digital teen world would be very different. 

When families hear the ScreenStrong message early, they have a much easier time making healthier choices for their teens around tech.

“When are you getting a smartphone for your kids?” our friends ask.

The question is never, “Are you getting a phone?” It is, “When are you getting one?” Peer pressure from other parents is a strong driving force behind many of our parenting decisions. Like our middle school kids, we are worried about being judged by our peers. Parents fear their kids will fall behind if they don’t do what other parents do, but this is a mistake. As parents, we also don’t want to feel pressure from our friends, and we don’t want to be criticized. 

Coupling parent peer pressure with the convenience factor—being able to track your kids easily and call them—is more than most parents can handle. Your friends are persuasive and may cause you to cave even when you know better. 

Just because your well-meaning friends are telling you to jump off the smartphone cliff, don’t.

“I never thought about not giving them a smartphone; I never looked into other options.”

Some things become so commonplace that we stop thinking about the reasons behind them. This reminds me of a story about a family tradition. When a daughter asked her mom why they cut the tip off the roast before they cooked it, the mom explained that it was what Grandma always did. When they asked Grandma why she did it, she explained it was because her pot was too small years ago! The family continued the habit even though they had bigger pans. This is an example of how we continue following norms without questioning why. 

When we enter the smartphone decision, we first think about setting up parental controls and setting limits. Rarely do we wonder if we should even give a smartphone in the first place. It takes logic to go against the way things have always been done. Leave emotion out; look at this decision from different angles and consider all available options. A basic phone is always better than a smartphone for teenagers of any age. 

Less is more when it comes to phones for teens. 

“My teen was begging for a phone, and I lost all my senses.” 

Our kids tug at our heartstrings because we have great empathy for our children. Strong feelings often override common sense and logic. We want our kids to fit in and be happy, and we want to believe the best about them. It is hard to say no to them.

Some parents may also feel guilty about not being able to spend enough time with their children due to work or other commitments. Giving in may be seen as a way to compensate and ease guilt. Parents may also be addicted to their own smartphones, making it difficult to resist giving their children smartphones. 

A winning coach loves and empathizes with his players, but that doesn’t cloud his judgment about what is best for the team. Coaches don’t cave. Parent like a coach.

“I tried to hold off, but our cell phone provider offered us a new plan with free phones. How can anyone resist that deal?” 

Parents often get new phones and give their hand-me-down smartphones to their kids. However, old smartphones are still damaging to teens. We momentarily regress; we don’t realize that our children’s well-being is more important than the cell providers’ marketing plan. When the shiny deals are coupled with our kids’ relentless begging, it’s hard not to cave. We shouldn’t make life-changing decisions based on great deals with smartphone companies. Resist the urge. Instead, take a step back and wait. 

The first counseling bill for your child will cost more than the free smartphone. Trust me.

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“My kid’s teacher says he needs a smartphone for homework.”

Did you know that anything that can be done on a smartphone can be done on a school computer? But smartphones are more risky for teens. It is never mandatory for a child to be forced to have a smartphone. Similarly, if your child is allergic to peanuts, the school can’t force him to eat peanuts either.

Your teen may tell you that the teacher is making it mandatory to have a smartphone, but teens have been known to lie about such things. Schools may encourage students to have smartphones for convenience, but the smartphone in-school experiments isn’t working. This is an outdated idea. Look at the global smartphone-free school movement supported by the latest studies.

Meet with the teacher. Explain why you are not giving in to the smartphone; the teacher will likely congratulate you and give you a prize.

“My kids would never ___. My kids know better because they are my kids.”

We think our values are genetic and our kids will never get in trouble on the phone. We see them as innocent and incapable of going off the rails when they are young; we are in denial. It takes a strong parent to admit that their kids are not immune to online dangers and are capable of misusing a smartphone. We are the weakest when our denial is the strongest; that’s when we cave. As your kids get older and begin to make mistakes, this denial starts to fade.

Smartphones come with high risks for teens. If we looked at the smartphone decision as we would any other risky decision—like allowing illegal drugs—we would never give our kids access to the internet in their pockets 24/7. But we cave because we believe our kids are different from all the other kids, are “mature for their age,” and that nothing bad will happen to them. Our denial is a dangerous blind spot that hurts our kids.  

Your kids may inherit your hair color, but they won’t inherit your values. Values take a long time to develop.

“If my child is not the most popular kid in school, I feel bad.”

Let’s face it. Deep down, we all want our kids to be popular. We have a drive to help our kids thrive socially. (It’s also natural for us to want to live a little vicariously through our kids.) We recall our own hurtful preteen and teen memories, and we don’t want our kids to live through that pain of being left out. The reality is that our kids will be more left out when they have a phone. If we believe a smartphone can help smooth their path and avoid pain, it is easier to cave. For our kids’ mental health, we must resist this urge to try to boost our kid’s popularity. The reality is that adolescence is hard at times, which is not only okay, but it actually boosts their mental health by helping them build needed grit and autonomy. 

You may be surprised to learn that your teen is more likely to be a leader among peers without the crutch of a smartphone.   

“I have to pick my battles. I can’t fight this one; it’s too big.” 

We may need to pick our battles, but we can’t lump all parental decision battles into equal categories. This is a big mistake. We can give our teens more autonomy over negotiable things like hairstyles, curfew times, shaving, and make-up, but some things are non-negotiable. We don’t allow our teens to visit strip clubs, use illegal drugs, and drink and drive. We are not afraid to say no to those things because they are not good for our kids. Handing over a smartphone too early is not good for them either.

Some teen parenting decisions are negotiable, but this one is not. Don’t cave.

Every day, parents are making the decision to push back the age at which kids get smartphones. However, without education and a like-minded community for support, it is easy to cave.

ScreenStrong has your back. We empower parents with workshops, courses, weekly Podcasts, our Connect group, and this Substack. When you are on the front line of the smartphone battle, rely on these resources to help you do what is best for your teen. We must stand up for our teens and get this decision right. It is never too late to reverse course. Be bold and stay ScreenStrong—you can do it!

Subscribe for free to read our posts, but if you want to support our mission, consider getting a paid subscription. ScreenStrong is a non-profit organization because we want to encourage families to give generously to spread the message and save more kids. It’s simple: the bigger our budget is, the more kids we can save.

Melanie Hempe, BSN, is the founder of ScreenStrong, a nonprofit organization, and the author of the Kids’ Brains and Screenscourse series for students and parents. She is dedicated to preventing and reversing childhood screen addictions by providing scientific evidence and community for families around the globe. Her educational material is filled with everything she wished she had known before her oldest child suffered from a screen addiction. ScreenStrong has created what every family needs—education and the community—to skip toxic screens through adolescence so that teens can reach their full potential. Visit ScreenStrongSolutions.com for educational material and ScreenStrong.org to learn more and join the community saving childhood.

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