PicoBlog

Connection alone is not enough. My wife and I have always had a strong connection, one that feels undeniable and unavoidable, but we struggled to take care of ourselves and each other before we got married. We did not have any emotional maturity between the two of us so we were constantly placing unnecessary blame on each other, and we would struggle to apologize and move forward from arguments. Connection can only hold you together for so long, eventually you need to support it with both people doing their own internal work. When both of you develop inner peace and self-awareness, it will flow outward and support your relationship.

Projections cause friction. A lack of self-awareness was a major struggle for both of us in the beginning. We could not see how we were constantly projecting our emotions onto each other, thus creating misunderstanding. If you are constantly projecting, it means you are primarily just seeing your own point of view and struggling to see the perspective of others. Projections not only create miscommunication, but make each person feel not fully seen by the other. Developing awareness of your own emotions, seeing them change within you and noticing how they impact your own perspective and your choice of words is a gift that you give yourself and your partner. Self-awareness can help you slow down so you can ask yourself, “Am I getting upset with my partner for a legitimate reason or am I just projecting my negative internal emotions onto them to make it their fault?”

Emotional temperature check-ins are needed. The simple truth is that even when you are together for many years, you will not be able to read each other’s minds. The next best thing is checking in with each other a few times a day about where your emotions are. Letting each other know how your moods are shifting not only helps your communication, but it functions as a preventative measure so that you don’t project your emotions onto each other. Making time to check in helps you both know who temporarily needs more love and care. Normalizing the ups and downs of emotions gives both of you plenty of opportunities to give and receive support. Being honest and vocal about how you feel brings more clarity to each of your interactions.

You both need to understand your emotional history and behavioral patterns. Personal inner work is the great game changer in a relationship, it has the power to create a new era of understanding and skillful behavior that will help you have a deeper and more joyful union. If you do not acknowledge the way your past has shaped you, you will continue repeating the same defensive and survivalist reactions. If your past remains unconscious, it will seep into your relationship in ways that block you and your partner from having the best union possible. Only after you see yourself clearly can you work toward developing new habit patterns that are more conducive to supporting your own happiness and your partner’s.

Finding and using a healing practice is the real work. Becoming aware of your emotional history is one thing, changing your negative habit patterns is another. When you see your knots, you then have to untangle them. The best way to do that is by picking up an established and effective practice that is already helping many people. There is no need for you to reinvent the wheel. You just need to find something that meets you where you are at, something that aligns with your intuition and helps you take tangible steps forward. For me and my wife it is Vipassana meditation, but there are many different forms of meditation out there that can bring good results, or different forms of therapy or other tools that can help. You and your partner may need different healing tools at different times and that is okay, what matters most is that the work is actually happening and that you are both creating space for changed behavior.

Let each other evolve. Who you both were on the first day you met is worlds apart from who you each are now. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, your likes, dislikes, strengths and general preferences will change overtime. This is not something you should resist, it is an incentive to remain curious about each other as time moves forward. There is always more you can learn about each other. The ways you like to receive support will also morph overtime. Your individual evolution will spur on the evolution of your relationship. What the two of you find funny, how you like to enjoy rest, what you like to learn together, the places you like to visit, how you view the world – all of these will change over time.

You are more than partners, you are also best friends and roommates. Expanding your idea of the roles you play in each other’s lives can be beneficial. My wife is not only the love of my life, she is also my best friend. We enjoy telling each other everything and we face the world as a team. Sharing our living space by default makes us roommates, a big part of our relationship is mutually creating a space that feels like home to the both of us. Your partner is not only the person you share many laughs with, they are also the primary person you plan with so that you can properly face any challenges that arise. Seeing each other as playing a multifaceted role is not about codependency, it is simply acknowledging the fact that any relationship between two people is dynamic.

The truth brings you close together. Lies always create distance. If you really want to feel like a team and elevate your connection, you have to be honest with each other. Honesty is sometimes difficult to give, but giving it in a compassionate manner helps. Receiving honesty is also difficult, but it is better than living in a house of lies. Once you open the door to honesty, there may still be much to resolve and talk over, but in time, if that door stays open, you both will feel a new level of confidence in your relationship. You will both know that you are committed to each other and that your communication is strengthening. There is a sense of freedom and lightness that you will each feel when you know that the truth is welcomed in your relationship.