A Statement - by Spencer Irwin
On Friday May 14th, various allegations of abusive, manipulative, and predatory behavior were made against Saves the Day singer/songwriter Chris Conley. Those allegations can be viewed in full here on the Your Band Sucks Instagram page, both in the posts and especially the Story Highlight. Later that day, Conley released his own statement/apology (admitting to most of the accusations) in reply on the Saves the Day Instagram page, which can be viewed here. I’m not going to editorialize or summarize these, as I think both need to be viewed in full and are fully capable of speaking for themselves.
I’m not usually one for big public statements like this; in fact, most of the time I think we’d be better off if most of the people not directly involved in the incidents kept their hot takes off of social media rather than risking making it all about them. I was planning on processing this in private.
But then I remembered that this newsletter is named after a Saves the Day song, and that even its logo is an homage to the band’s most famous album cover. I don’t have much of a platform, but every platform I’ve ever had I’ve used to talk about this band and, often, about Conley specifically. I’ve often been a walking billboard for them. I’ve made a reputation for myself as the Saves the Day guy. I have a responsibility to not be silent about this, and to use that same platform to share this as well.
And, okay, fine, I’ve always been someone who can only process his emotions by writing them out and sending them out for the world to see; let’s make this about me for a bit.
Obviously, I was gutted by this. My heart and support goes out to any and all hurt by Conley.
I ran across the accusations before Conley released his statement admitting to them, and as shocked as I was, I also immediately believed them, and not just out of an effort to always believe victims. I’d seen shades of Conley’s dark side before personally. His problems with alcohol have been pretty widely known for the last five or six years as they led to erratic performances and public breakdowns. He’s had a reputation for being difficult to deal with, although I always took that on a more creative level. So while I never expected something like this from him, maybe I should have. Everything he said in those captured conversations echoed things I’ve heard him say before, only twisted in dark ways; especially the timers, which he used in the captured conversations to harass his victim into replying to him within certain timeframes, matches up with Conley’s well-known penchant for using dozens of timers to coordinate his day. I feel sick.
So much of my identity has been tied up in this band. So many of the important lessons that have carried me though life have been ones I’ve learned, or at least had reinforced, by Saves. It’s going to take me a long time to untangle that knot and find a new balance. This week has found me looking back on old interactions with the band in a new light. Conley showed me so much kindness, but now I can also see how the ways he did so — giving out his phone number, putting me on guest list, just in general being so approachable and open — were also the methods that led to his dysfunctional and toxic relationship with this victim. I’m certainly rethinking my entire understanding of the kind of relationships creators and fans can or should have and the responsibilities and boundaries required therein. I doubt I’ll ever love a band the same way again, and I mourn that while also recognizing that it’s not necessarily a bad thing.
My top priority, of course, is that the victim gets the support he needs. But I also really, really hope Conley seeks out help too. Again, not to try to shift responsibility away from him, but those captured conversations scream of someone unwell, and I hope Chris finds real help, not to make things “okay” or to try to fulfill some forgiveness checklist, but for his own health, for the sake of his daughter, and to break these patterns so that he never puts someone through this again. Conley’s advocacy for meditation, psychedelics, and zen philosophy is well known, and while it’s never been my cup of tea, I’d always admired his seemingly enlightened perspective. Obviously, that was a lie. In this new light I can see that he used those rather solitary techniques to avoid reaching out to others for help, to mask his problems, and to avoid doing real work to get over his issues. In retrospect, even Saves’ latest album, 9, reads the same way. I’m certainly not saying that artists need to make their every issue or pain public, but for a man in the midst of several very public breakdowns to release an album that’s a celebratory retrospective of his career, framed in repeated “life is beautiful” sentiments, feels sinister now; it’s full of toxic positivity. Even if the sentiment is entirely genuine, it’s the entirely genuine sentiment of someone trying to avoid facing his problems in any sort of real, constructive way. I hope that facing consequences forces Conley to make some real change — and that’s exactly what I see this as, consequences. Not “cancel culture,” ugh, and not as some “well, you screwed up so now the rules say we have to not listen to you for this long” punishment, but someone who hurt people and now has to deal with the consequences of that.
As much as I still love it, I think third wave emo has a lot to reckon with. The genre is built on forging a bond between the artist and the fan through “relatability,” through shared pain, through the artist baring their flaws. That can be such an unimaginably powerful, cathartic thing, but it’s also a gateway to inappropriate, unbalanced relationships between artists and fans that’s been abused in countless ways. Moreover, while music and bands of the era spent plenty of time baring their souls and revealing their defects, very little of the music ended up being about what they were going to do about their flaws, how they were going to fix their problems. Admitting you have a problem is the beginning, not the end. That probably should have been a red flag.
I’m not mad at myself for loving something that moved me, or even trusting someone I shouldn’t have, and I don’t want to let this experience turn me cynical. What I do think I’ve learned from this, though, is the importance of having a personal brand. Tying my identity and the identity of my creative pursuits so closely with this band has allowed their actions to reflect on me in ways they otherwise wouldn’t have. That’s not smart. Saves the Day has helped me become the man I am today in ways I’ll always be grateful for, but dammit, I’m the one who did all the hard work of growing and learning, of becoming more discerning and empathetic. I’m going to own that.
I plan on having the newsletter back on its normal schedule, with normal content, next week, though I’m not exactly sure what I’ll be doing about the name and logo yet. If anyone has any thoughts about what would be appropriate, inappropriate, triggering, etc. feel free to reply back to this email (or leave a comment). If anyone has any thoughts, wants to commiserate, or needs a safe space to talk about this, again, please reply back. My inbox is always open.
Please take care of yourself, and take care of each other.
“Do You Know What I Love the Most?” is a newsletter from Spencer Irwin about his relationship with the stories he loves. Spencer is an enthusiast and writer from Newark, Delaware, who likes punk rock, comic books, working out, breakfast, and most of all, stories. His previous work appeared on Retcon Punch, One Week One Band, and Crisis on Infinite Chords, and he can be found on Twitter at @ThatSpenceGuy. If you like this newsletter, please subscribe and share with your friends!
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