PicoBlog

And here we are, folks, at the grand finale for Matt Perry Week. This final movie is all sorts of a mindfuck as to how and why it exists, particularly in its final form which, from what I understand, was butchered like an Omaha steer. This movie is pretty wild as it not only features Matt Perry, it was the last movie to star Chris Farley, which he filmed before his death (which is partially the reason for its butchering; capitalizing on the scenes with the star that recently passed) but was released after. It was also directed by Christopher Guest, a fact that I had learned in the past but had promptly forgotten, most likely to protect myself from any intrigue in this movie. It features Eugene Levy and Harry Shearer so I’m holding some hope for this. But then there’s the…entire plot, which is an alternative history buddy road feature. We are going to do our best to get down to the “why the fuck?” of this movie.

What are we watching to close out this theme week? Almost Heroes, the 1998 movie where Matt Perry and Chris Farley play a comedic duo in the early 1800s who are trying to outdo Lewis and Clark and get to the Pacific Ocean before they can. That’s really the movie. I was under the impression that this bad boy had a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, but somehow this has a 5% which means it has a higher score than The Whole Ten Yards, and that’s something I can’t really believe if we’re being truthful. This one was, as you’d expect, a box office bomb that only recouped 1/5 of its budget. All that to say I do not have high hopes for this one, and I was truly saving the worst for last on this theme week. I’ve put it off long enough, so we might as well press play.

Our movie begins with narrator Harry Shearer discussing the background of the fantasy-historical 1804 journey of Leslie Edwards (Matt Perry) and Bartholomew Hunt (Chris Farley), two inept explorers from Arlington, VA who are “rivals” of Lewis and Clark. Hunt is captured by high society dandies and brought to the town square to be publicly hung. He tells the townspeople to kiss his ass as he’s about to be hung. Edwards arrives by horse and carriage and interrupts the hanging with a stay of execution signed by Thomas Jefferson, and he cuts Hunt down. On the carriage ride away, Edwards explains his plan to Hunt, complaining that Lewis has already enlisted Clark to help him on his journey and Edwards is sick of being beaten by Lewis. At a society party, Edwards explains that his educational background will keep him safe in the unexplored wilderness which seems like a foolish level of confidence. Hunt explains they should be afraid of Indigenous people and tells of racist rumors he’s heard about Indigenous folks. I have a bad feeling about what Indigenous representation is going to look like in this movie. Hunt’s boorish behavior clashes with the high society types, who are repulsed by his rudeness and lack of scruples. He is sent to the barn to sleep once he gets drunk. I’m already super annoyed with Edwards’s posh accent. Hunt seems to be annoyed, too, and rejects the offer to join Edwards. Edwards offers Hunt $100 to join him and they haggle until they arrive at $150 and Hunt agrees to join him. Hunt celebrates by watching pigs fuck in the barn. Wonderful.

They head out and make their way to St. Louis. I doubt they can get a kolache down there in that year, so that sucks for them. An old man named Jackson (Patrick Cranshaw) wants to see the Pacific and plays on Edwards’s sympathy to join the trip without offering any assistance, much to the chagrin of Hunt. They also meet Guy Fontenot (Eugene Levy), a pirate type who is hired as an interpreter as he knows many languages. Levy’s accent is perfectly over the top and his eyebrows are on SCTV levels of movement so his character alone may save this movie for me. Eugene’s eyebrows should have won their own Emmy in 1982. Guy owns a woman he bought named Shaquinna (Lisa Barbuscia), who he brings along. Edwards is instantly smitten but Guy threatens to cut anyone who looks at her, as she is his property. That sucks. The rest of the crew gathers and they’re all nondescript. Edwards addresses his crew, explaining his odd choice of directions in an attempt to pass by Lewis and Clark who have a two-week head start. The whole crew wants to go to New Orleans instead, but Hunt pulls a gun and Edwards reminds everyone they signed contracts and must continue along with the plan. They take off with Higgins (Steven Porter) playing a bagpipe for entertainment. The crew gets into a gunfire battle with a squirrel for some reason. They set up camp and all regale each other with terrible stories. This movie really sucks so far.

As they continue with their journey, they meet some Indigenous folks and Hunt gets in a slapping match with Bent Twig (Jonathan Joss), who Chief Two Roads (George Aguilar) claims is “not right in the head”. They participate in some kind of dance ritual and continue on their journey. This movie a whole lot of nothing with bad jokes. Edwards attempts to educate Hunt on reading and writing, but Hunt doesn’t do so well once the distinction between upper and lower case is brought up. Edwards expresses his desire to be romantic with Shaquinna but a mix up causes hunt to think he’s in love with Guy. At night, as the crew sleeps, a large bear explores their campsite. Hunt orders everyone to stay still not to attract the bear, and Bidwell (David Packer) is dragged off to be mauled by the bear after scratching his nose and indicating his location. He returns the next morning hoping the crew will assist him in getting revenge on the bear, but Edwards just offers a wooden leg for Bidwell and wants to continue the journey, insisting that the bear will suffer from old age eventually.

The crew finally manages to break uncharted territory. They find an outpost where they set up to relax and everyone in the crew save for Guy and Edwards go off to meet with sex workers, who turn out to be crude scarecrows and not actual humans. Hunt goes off to a general store to buy more supplies and decides to bathe and get a haircut and a shave. A Conquistador named Hidalgo (Kevin Dunn) arrives to approach the crew with a crew of his own. Guy is familiar with Hidalgo’s reputation, which is violent and confrontational. Hidalgo also takes a lustful interest in Shaquinna. Hidalgo mentions that he wanders the Northwest territory looking for a location that contains an ancient secret marked with a white cross. Hidalgo threatens to kill Guy if Guy doesn’t join Hidalgo’s crew so Guy joins, even though all Hidalgo wants is proximity to Shaquinna. Guy disagrees and Hidalgo decides to just take Shaquinna anyway. Edwards offers to go in her place but Hidalgo isn’t having it. Hunt returns from the general store and challenges Hidalgo’s crew to a drinking duel which he wins as Hidalgo falls down incapacitated. One of the men causes a fire in the scarecrow cathouse and the crew decides to depart to continue their journey.

The guys set up camp further along. Shaquinna expresses to Edwards that she admires him for being more “delicate” than the rest of the crew and the two share a kiss. Pretty Boys up by 30! This is why I refuse to get rugged. We all know us delicate pretty boys are what women want. Anyway, the crew continues along until facing the Rocky Mountains. They express that their journey is over but Edwards, underestimating the severity of the climb and descent, makes the crew continue along into a blizzard which causes them to stay in place halfway across. They run out of supplies and Edwards develops a powerful sickness. Shaquinna insists she can make medicine to cure him using the egg of an eagle and Hunt heads downhill to find an eagle’s nest to steal an egg. This goes just as well as you’d expect and Hunt gets dropped down a giant tree by the returning eagle. He cooks and eats the egg, his hunger getting the best of him, which means he must return to the nest where we get a repeat of the previous scenario. He then eats that egg and somehow bacon, so he has to go back for the final egg and gets attacked once again. This time he actually brings the egg back to the campsite. Meanwhile, Edwards is delusional in his fever-state and assumes bears will rise up for the right to vote. Hunt returns and learns all Shaquinna needed was the eggshell and he could have just given her the shell from the first one he stole and had his meal with them none the wiser. Shaquinna’s medicine causes Edwards to recover and the two bond intimately. Shaquinna tells Edwards that Hunt risked his life to save Edwards’s. Edwards insists the crew move out as spring approaches.

As they continue, they spot Lewis (Keith Sellon-Wright) and Clark (Scott Williamson) up ahead, portaging to avoid the river’s danger. The crew decides to take the river anyway, hoping to gain the advantage over Lewis and Clark. If you’ve been paying attention, you already know this is going to go poorly. They end up in whitewater rapids, barely hanging on as they steer through. They go over a large waterfall but they survive, gaining ground on Lewis and Clark and putting them ahead, but wrecking most of their boats and supplies. Hunt is ready to quit as Edwards is risking everyone’s safety just for a shot at fame. The rest of the crew is ready to leave with Hunt but Edwards insists the worst is over and they can make it the next couple hundred miles. Hunt insists Edwards doesn’t know shit as he’s an inexperienced dandy, but Shaquinna and Bidwell stand by him and try to convince the rest of the crew to join. The group is fired upon by Hidalgo and his crew, who capture the gang and prepare to kill them. I guess Guy joined Hidalgo’s crew even though Shaquinna didn’t? I don’t understand. This must have suffered from some chopping in the editing room.

Hidalgo runs Edwards and Hunt through an abusive gauntlet where they are attacked by the Hidalgo crew. They manage to get away but Hidalgo and Guy chase them down on horseback. I still don’t get how Hidalgo got ahead of them, but I’m trying not to think too hard about most of this shit. Hidalgo’s men catch Hunt as Edwards manages to escape. They prepare to behead him but they want him to die with a smile on his face. This gives Edwards time to leap down to attack the guys, but he lands on his face and Hunt beats the guys down with a log. Hunt emotionally thanks Edwards for attempting to save his life as no one has ever done that before, even though the movie started with Edwards saving Hunt from being hung to death. The two men wander forward for help as the crew is still held captive. They find an older Indigenous man (Frank Salsedo) who offers to help, bringing along a crew of other older Indigenous men.

Hidalgo tries to instruct his crew on how to kill Edwards’s crew, but there is confusion because Hidalgo’s men are dumb. Edwards, Hunt and the Indigenous men head back to the campsite and face off with Hidalgo. We get a very Batman the TV series fight scene, minus the Bif! and Pow! we’d get with the Caped Crusader. Hunt threatens Guy for betraying the crew and forces him to run away fleeing. Hidalgo runs off with Shaquinna and Edwards takes off after them to rescue her. The two face off in a sword duel where it is revealed Hidalgo is bald and the beautiful hair he obsesses over is a wig. He is humiliated and Edwards manages to get the upper hand by knocking off his armor and undoing his girdle. Hidalgo begs for mercy. Hunt comes around the corner and tells Edwards that Lewis and Clark are a mile ahead and approaching the ocean. Realizing they can still make it first, Edwards leaves Hidalgo, who begs them not to reveal the truth about his wig to anyone.

The crew can see the Pacific Ocean, but Lewis and Clark are ahead of them and about to reach the water. The only way to beat them is to traverse a rocky hillside which is dangerous. Edwards insists he goes and takes the risk as the leader but Hunt wants to go. He tries to knock Edwards out to go ahead of him but they waste time just hitting Edwards in the head and not having him lose consciousness. Hunt takes off to scale down the hill with a flag in tow to mark the territory first. Oh his way down, Hunt is attacked by the eagle from earlier, who picks him up and carries him out over the water and shits on his face before Hunt drops into the ocean. The crew assumes he’s dead after that fall, but he rises sin victory with the flag held high and plants it in the sand, officially beating Lewis and Clark. The crew makes it down the hill in the same amount of time because they found a marked trail. These half-delivered jokes are the economy of this film. Edwards and Hunt taunt Lewis and Clark, who turn around defeated. The gang decides to continue along their journey, vowing to walk to Paris, and that’s our movie.

Well, we made it. I don’t think this was the worst movie ever but it certainly wasn’t great. Even Eugene Levy and an extremely attractive leading lady couldn’t keep my spirits up, but at least it moved along pretty quickly. So, we did Matt Perry week. We finished it. Did we learn anything? I think I learned that I unfairly judged Matt Perry movies. Not saying they’re masterpieces or anything (save for The Whole Nine Yards but that wasn’t part of our week), but for the most part, I’ve enjoyed just about the whole week even though I was prepared not to. Matt Perry is still a huge asshole and a majorly overrated pompous dickhead, but he played a decent part in a few movies, so that’s that. Thanks for sticking with me on our journey this week. If you want to take the Almost Heroes journey for yourself, this one is streaming for free on YouTube and Tubi. We’ll be back next week with another theme week. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

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