"Andrew Huberman's Mechanisms of Control"
I almost skipped commenting on this Andrew Huberman mess from New York Magazine. Why? Because it’s overly sensationalized gossip dressed as news. ‘Oh, the recently rich and famous Phd self-optimization guru that’s on TRT and who has never been married has multiple girlfriends?’ Damn, that’s so crazy I would have never guessed.
For those who don’t know here’s NY synopsis of him…
“Today, Andrew Huberman is a stiff, jacked 48-year-old associate professor of neurology and ophthalmology at the Stanford University School of Medicine. He is given to delivering three-hour lectures on subjects such as “the health of our dopaminergic neurons.” His podcast is revelatory largely because it does not condescend, which has not been the way of public-health information in our time. He does not give the impression of someone diluting science to universally applicable sound bites for the slobbering masses.”
And digging up someone’s dirt for the world to see? It’s an approach I find…unnecessary, nor is it right, but fame has its price. So, here we are.
Huberman has reached the level of celebrity gossip, and though its morality remains questionable, his focus on self-optimization, covering aspects of health and relationships, naturally subjects him to greater scrutiny.
For me? I found hearing people in his personal life point out the contradictions of how he lives from what he preaches to be something irresistible to examine. I’m done echoing what everyone thinks, I’m giving you what I think, even if you judge me for it.
Is Huberman a narcissist? Probably. Is he a sociopath? Probably. Are we all a bit of both of these things? Probably. This is also more likely true with people with celebrity status… you get to that position by people validating and affirming some aggrandized image you have of yourself, this doesn’t make the image true or false, but it surely alters how you operate in your life and relationships.
The result is the unachievable ego ideal begins to feel achievable.
Huberman is a man obsessed with his own ego ideal. He happens to be in a position where people around him will feel pulled and pressured to affirm this ideal. We all have an ego ideal, most of us simply do not hold the means to affirm it, nor do many even have the time to conceptualize one.
What do fame and money do to this image of ourselves? What does it do to the ego? It’s like gasoline on the fire of self-obsession; it’s the narcissist's wet dream.
For Huberman, his image of himself was once merely idealized but is now turbocharged by the acquisition of social media followers and the allure of wealth. His image is built by the great spectacle of objects our society runs on (status, money, power…). He is simply the result of the spectacle’s dominance, which commodifies desires, aspirations, and event dissent…
The form of dominance that is being overly examined in his life is his next desired conquest: romantic dominance.
When a romantic partner expresses needs that conflict with the narcissist’s or maybe they begin to see through the facade of their (Huberman’s) image and public persona (the ego ideal), the narcissist may lash out in a defensive rage and resentment.
They devalue and discard the partner for being an inadequate “mirror.”
“When they fought, it was, she says, typically because Andrew would fixate on her past choices: the men she had been with before him, the two children she had with another man.”
“I experienced his rage,” Sarah recalls, “as two to three days of yelling in a row.”
I cannot take credit for this next part I found it in a tweet… but it’s a brilliant connection about narcissism.
“If it’s not grandiosity, then what is narcissism?
Shame over guilt; rage over anger; masturbation over sex; envy over greed; your future over your past but her past over her future…
But that attempt is always futile, not because you can’t trick the other person—you can, for an entire lifetime, it’s quite easy. But even then, the man in the box is still unsatisfied, still frustrated, because no amount of identity maintenance will break that glass box.
If the other person is also in a glass box, then you have a serious problem. If everyone is in their own glass box, well, then you have America.” — The Last Psychiatrist
Do you see it? For Huberman, the women in his life have been completely objectified; they are mere objects. They are not genuine subjects with desires and needs for the future; they merely serve to fulfill their own prophecies. For him, the only significance lies in their past.
Their past is the element that satisfies his self-image, his ideal ego.
His desire, which is essentially a craving for desire itself—an unattainable fantasy of being perfectly desired (the return of the ego ideal)—compels him to continually seek new sources of validation.
How does one achieve this? By having multiple partners simultaneously. Problem solved. Let's move on.
"Oh, but what if he had simply communicated to them that he couldn't commit and that he would be seeing other women?"
Don’t be stupid. Huberman is operating on hyperdrive to fulfill his ego ideal. Do you really think this man wants the image of his woman getting railed by another man popping into his brain while fucking her?
Just to make it clear, he should have communicated his intentions to his partners. Please spare me the virtue signaling; I’d like to stay focused.
So, how does one prevent such an image from intruding on one's thoughts? Deception.
Deception, therefore, becomes his preferred tool, not just a strategy but a necessity. In truth, choosing partners who agree to an open relationship would dismantle the illusion he has built. By crafting a complex network of lies, Huberman is able to maintain multiple relationships, making each partner believe she is the One. This strategic isolation and avoidance of accountability enable him to preserve the image of the perfect lover without full commitment.
The ego triumphs in its pursuit of the ego ideal! The ego ideal provides the urge to be the protagonist, the director, and the audience in your own narrative!
And the web of secrets makes the narcissist feel in control. The article probably disrupted his current lineup, but let me assure you, he’s going back to the drawing board with new data, and a more intricate web of secrets for the next rotation of women to be deceived.
“Or he learns to treat women as subjects with their own unique desires and evolving self, instead of a hallow object…”
He’s forty-eight, don’t be stupid. If he has not figured it out yet, he probably never will.
If anyone ever says to you: “I’m not a cheater or a sex addict, I’m just addicted to love.” They’re manipulating you and they care about you to the extent that you provide fuel for their own image.
If you want to feel better about yourself you might enjoy this next part…
He’s operating from a need for possession and control of others; this is what happens when the ego ideal controls your impulses and desires, so to fulfill this perceived need, he dangles commitment in front of them like a shiny object that touches on their own ego and narcissistic (remember we all are this) tendencies—a man that maintains an identity regulation for their own idealized image.
This is Huberman’s vulnerability though…he operates from a deep-seated need to dominate and possess, using the promise of commitment as bait to maintain his grip on his partners. This behavior isn’t a sign of strength but a glaring testament to his insecurity and weakness. A secure individual, not ruled by their ego ideal, would recognize the abundance of options already available to them without resorting to egregious manipulation.
Easier said than done, for him, and everyone, me included. His ego ideal is his master, thus his relationships will reign hallow.
Stay curious.
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