PicoBlog

Before incels, men and women have found themselves asking this question. With the complete earth shattering heartbreaks that come with the seemingly purest emotion people have wondered if actually, is it worth it? Is it worth the rejection, the pain, the sometimes humiliation, the fierceness and the crushing blows. There’s a reason some men have gone to join the French Foreign Legion after heartbreak (and still do), because sometimes with painful heartbreak, war seems like an easier option. That speaks to the intensity of the wounds that occur under our skin. That speaks to the profound depth of which we give ourselves to another.

Incels aren’t likely to join the French Foreign Legion, but they are likely to find themselves wondering this same thing… the pain, the rejection, the humiliation, the stress… does the desire and craving outweigh those … would the happy ending be worth it?

Incels call many things ‘copes’ and I sometimes realise that every now and then they’ll call out something correctly, something that we do use as distractions as ways to avoid that which we really want. A hobby won’t replace a person, a good job won’t be there when you’re down and friends can only offer so much of themselves. Of course, these things also could be the things that could help us to find that love we want, to meet that person, to practice our trust, to build our confidence and to be in a good position to welcome in love. We build our nests to be ready. And of course, not everything in life has to be a means to get a partner, we don’t do everything for that romantic love and we shouldn’t, because if we do we’ll be continually disappointed, tunnel visioned and desperate, anxious and frustrated.

But love, relationships and intimacy…is it worth the risk? Is it worth the trials, the downs, the feeling of erosion of any sense of self confidence at disappointments and rejections. Is it worth the feeling of failure and the swarming thoughts that this is it, you’re never going to find it, you’re going to be alone. And the thing is, after a little while sometimes we get used to being alone, we find comfort, and that’s good right? It is, except if it’s not actually what we want, if it’s not actual happiness and if we still feel that craving. Being single isn’t the end of the world and being single with friends is perfectly fine, and sometimes being single and finding new people and friends feels great too. It’s us doing what we want, spending our free time hopefully learning, experiencing things and trying out life on our terms.

But sometimes, after a while, for some people, not everyone, it feels like we get complacent and then it feels like we get depressed. Like we’re not actually moving to something big, the bleeding elephant in the room starts to get bigger and we’ve always seen it there, we’ve heard its cries, we’ve just muted it for a while but we’ve never forgotten. Because for some of us, not all of us, love is something we crave on this raw and base level. And I don’t mean sex, sex is something different, sex is its own thing which okay, merits discussion, but it’s not what I mean. I mean, the craving for intimacy, of closeness, of what you know to be a relationship. Of holding hands, secret smiles, inside jokes and long conversations that just always seem too short..

And that’s when I think we have to really answer that question, is it worth it? The thing about heartbreak, rejection and all of the emotional pain that comes with love and dating is that even though it can feel like we’re dying, we don’t die. We don’t actually get physically hurt. Our mental health, which is as important and probably more important than a limb, can be something we can find ways to deal with. We can find ways to alleviate anxiety, depression and overwhelming emotions if we want to and that’s where therapy works. And the thing is, if that’s the barrier, if that fear of pain, fear of rejection is the barrier, then we can get over that barrier. Of course, that’s no guarantee at all we’ll find the person, we have none, no one actually does, and that’s the thing. You can’t manufacture love, you can’t seduce, manipulate or buy it, you can’t say magic words or look a certain way and be guaranteed. And at the end of the day, there will always be a chance we won’t succeed, but in some ways, trying and failing in this regard is better than never. This isn’t actually Everest, we’re not going to die in the snow, the end result if poor is the same result we began with, we won’t end up somewhere worse as long as we can feel that resilience, feel that confidence that we’ll take care of ourselves, we’ll be okay. We’re stronger than we think are and we can surprise ourselves with that, trust me, we can.

(But if dating causes us distress, this should be something we seek professional help and guidance with and some people may find that relationships are not actually something they want or want right now and there are other ways to find fulfilment in life and connection too..).

And as for love - I’m never going to ever say it’s not worth it. I’m never going to say it’s not worth the exquisite pain because actually, the thing is, it is. It is worth it. It’s worth the shots, it’s worth the falls, it’s worth the nearlies and it’s worth the failures. And will it hurt, will the rejections sting, yes. Will it get frustrating, will it make you want to scream and run away, yes. Will it feel like the worst pain you’ve ever experienced sometimes, yeah. But that’s where we will have actual copes, the copes that help us get through those so we can start again. And that’s why it helps to have friends, a job, a purpose, some professional therapeutic guidance, a good food, sleep and exercise regime and a feeling of resilience. And the thing is, even if you lose it, when you feel it, it’s worth everything and even after losing it, you’ll look back and you’ll feel differently, you’ll still say it was worth it and then you’ll be ready to try again. As long as you can stay on course, be strong in your goal but be loose in your expectations. Be open and just see, who knows, because no one does, not even we know what could be, but it’s worth the shots.

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