PicoBlog

This piece was originally published to Medium on March 27, 2022.

Autistic Advice is a semi-regular column where I respond to anonymous questions about neurodiversity, Autism acceptance, disability justice, and self-advocacy.

Today’s question comes from an Autistic woman who’d like to know how to flirt with guys — and whether she should follow neurotypical advice telling her to “play dumb” so guys will help her.

How as an autistic woman do I flirt?

Most of the things people say you should do, like pretending not to understand something so a guy can explain it to you, just feel so cringey and fake.

Hi OP, thanks for your question! Before I dive into my response, I want to offer some caveats: I’m not a straight woman, I’m a gay trans man, so some of my perceptions might not be relevant to you. However, for the first twenty eight years of my life, I generally was assumed to be a woman, and I dated men in that mode.

Since I’m both gay and trans, I theoretically have inhabited a sexual marketplace that’s way smaller and more competitive than yours is as a straight woman. You might think, because of this, that I have to play even more games than you do, and contort myself into even more restrictive people-pleasing shapes, because the dating market is scarce and my awkward, trans Autistic ass needs to take whatever I can get.

Because that’s ultimately what the advice you’ve received comes down to, isn’t it? That in order for you to win romantic attention, you have to fake qualities you don’t actually have? That there’s no way a successful connection could be built upon a foundation of honesty, and that instead you must put on a performance, until you successfully trick someone into tolerating the real you lurking underneath?

If that’s the message you’ve been receiving from the neurotypicals (and straights) around you, I have very good news OP: not only is pretending to be someone you’re not counter-productive to building a lasting romantic connection, it’s also totally unnecessary for getting short-term sexual and romantic attention. You can do absolute numbers as a straight woman just by being utterly, weirdly yourself. And if what you’re seeking is a deeper bond, authenticity is absolutely required.

Straight, neurotypical people spread around a lot of supposedly common sense “rules” about how to get attention and dates. And common sense, all too often, is jut a thoughtless regurgitation of oppressive social norms.

A lot of the typical dating “rules” will tell you to act like you’re someone with fewer needs and less unique qualities than you actually have. Don’t text the guy back too quickly. Laugh at a guy’s jokes even if they aren’t funny. Don’t let him know if he’s disappointed or offended you. Don’t expect any level of attention or care. Pretend you don’t know things. Pretend you don’t have goals or a vision of the future that will rule many potential dating partners out.

It really fucks up neurotypicals’ dating lives, entering intimate relationships based on this much inauthenticity. It makes communication impossible and sets people up for false expectations, projections, and resentment. How can you identify if someone would make a good partner for you, if you have to wait months (or even years) to find out who they really are beneath the traditional script? How can you trust anyone when everyone is expected to lie and conceal themselves in order to be liked?

These rules never made a whole lot of sense to me, but when I was closeted and masking my disability, I went along with many of them. I muted my extreme, obsessive interests and hid my emotions and shutdowns in hopes of appearing cool. I wasn’t open about my sexual interests, and just fucked people dispassionately with fantasies playing about in the back of my head. I mirrored people’s personalities and made my future a completely blank slate onto which guys could project whatever they imagined.

Then in my early 20s, I started dating a guy I really, really liked — but I was terrified of coming across as needy and insecure around him. So I never initiated dates. Ever. I was never the first to message, either. I slipped completely into the passive, feminine “cool girl” role, and allowed him to set the cadence of our relationship. This meant we messaged once or twice a day, if that, and hung out about once a week.

I was very unhappy with that. The longer we were together, the more it ravaged my self-esteem that he didn’t want to see or talk to me that much. But I never said a thing about it. I just laid in bed, dreaming that I’d earn his love by making our relationship painlessly easy. Then he’d magically become more communicative and affectionate. All I’d have to do is nothing.

Shockingly this did not work. My silence skewed both our expectations for the duration of the relationship. The guy quite reasonably continued following the communication patterns we’d established early on, with no idea I was simmering with frustration. I did what I could to take care of his needs, and worked like hell to hide my own, played up the parts of me he liked and hid the ones that didn’t make him laugh or relax into his seat — until there was basically none of the real me left in the relationship.

A few years ago, I complained to my therapist about how unbalanced all my relationships felt. It seemed like I needed to be perfect at anticipating the needs of everyone around me. I felt like the only waiter working a packed brunch shift, rushing around doing everything, people only noticing my existence when I’d failed them or gotten in the way. It wasn’t just in my romantic relationships that I felt like this. My social and professional lives were that way, too.

After I said this, my therapist drew back and blinked a few times. “You seem to vastly underestimate your likeability,” he told me. “You think you can’t risk alienating anyone, when actually there’s far too many people who want your time.”

His words were like a pail of ice water to the face. I was operating from a scarcity mentality. Like a lot of Autistics, I was really unpopular as a kid. As an adult, I still thought I had to cling to every bit of likeability I could find or feign. To prevent making people upset I said yes to everything, and shape-shifted my personality to try and appeal to everyone.

Experience eventually taught me that I had to become more selective. I had to develop the courage to let people dislike me. Even more crucially, I had to let myself recognize when I didn’t like someone, and when their approval and attention might actually be damaging or draining to me.

There are so many people out there, OP, who are not worth your time. And you never need to compromise yourself or create an artificial personality to appeal to any of them. When you’re looking for dates you do need to put effort into meeting new people and drawing them into your orbit — but identifying who to cut from that potential dating pool is just as essential. (This is true for making new friends as well, by the way.)

medium.com

OP, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks you’re more ignorant than you actually are? Do you find insecure men who lord their knowledge over you attractive? Do you like massaging people’s egos? Does maintaining a charade for the rest of your life sound fulfilling or fun? Do you want to feel like your only way of drawing people toward you is by emulating some neurotypical caricature of womanhood?

Probably not — at least not outside of some kind of consensual scenario where playing a role is part of the fun. But as the foundation for getting to know someone, faking personality traits is just going to burn up a ton of your masking energy and leave you feeling lonesome and not fully accepted.

So, if playing dumb and conforming to sexist standards isn’t the right route, what should you do to get dates? The good news is that “flirting” isn’t actually a unique skill set. You don’t have to develop any special romantic charisma or game that will make people like you — forcing someone to like you is impossible. All you can do is create opportunities to meet people, and determine which of those people you’d like to see again.

Rather than attempting to flirt, just practice starting conversations with people, ending conversations when you want them to end, and showing up to interactions as your real self. Stim openly and bounce in your seat. Speak and laugh in whatever weird guttural/robotic/cartoonish tone feels natural to you. Info dump about Bionicles, or YouTube beauty channel drama, or whatever gets you going. Listen intently to other people a roughly equal amount, while avoiding eye contact and ripping your napkin to shreds. Ask hyper-literal questions. Plug your ears when ambulances go by. Do the full Autistic works.

As long as you are respectful and reasonably pleasant, you’re not gonna drive away anyone you’d actually want to date. Besides, driving some people away is essential. It’s not hard to get romantic attention from men. Showing up is 80% of the battle, and culling the herd down to people you actually enjoy being around is the remaining 20%.

Advice column readers love scripts, so here are a few examples of ways to convey interest:

“Your whole look caught my eye right away, I just had to say hi. Hi! How are you enjoying the party tonight?”

“That crowd over there is having an absolutely agonizing debate about NFT’s — save me from my boredom! Did anything interesting happen to you this week?”

“If you’d like to chat more, here’s my Discord handle. Send me that video you were telling me about, please!”

“I’ve really enjoyed talking to you this evening. Would you like to get a bubble tea with me sometime or something?”

And disinterest:

“I’m not interested in talking, thanks though.”

“I’m going to [go say hi to a friend/refresh my drink], you have a good rest of your night.”

“Wow, I can’t believe you just said that. Take it easy.”

“…” [Turn away, leave the area, step away and get on the phone or talk to someone else.]

Once you have nailed down the basics of going into new social environments, meeting people, and discerning based on honest conversations, whether you like someone or not, all you have to do is tell a person directly when you’d like to get to know them better, and express when and how you’d like the relationship to progress. Here’s some scripts:

“I really like you, and I’d like to see you more often.”

“Seeing movies with you these past few months has been so much fun, and I’d like to make it into a more regular thing. Would you be open to having a regular standing date on Saturdays?”

“Do you ever imagine us living together one day? When do you think you’d be ready for something like that?”

“In the long term, I need to be in a relationship that is [sexually exclusive/polyamorous/kinky/committed/whatever] in order to feel fulfilled. What about you?”

“It hurts my feelings that you haven’t introduced me to your mom. We’ve become really close, and that feels like an important stage I want us to reach. Can we talk about it?”

Do not be afraid of being needy or “too much” as things move forward. Your needs are what they are — their existence is an unavoidable, morally neutral fact you will always live with, and so will anyone who enters into a relationship with you. Being honest about your needs is the only way to have a prayer of getting them met.

Even many neurotypicals will find straightforward, no-bullshit Autistic communication refreshing. The right people will view it as part of the appeal of dating you. When you reject conventional “common sense” rules and choose to author the rules of your own life, anything can happen. New relationship models and romantic dynamics open up. Sides of yourself that you were afraid of revealing get the opportunity to be cherished and loved. Fantasies actually stand a chance of being fulfilled, and even decades-old attachment wounds can start being soothed.

Sometimes a relationship will work out, sometimes it won’t — but either way, it will always be an accurate reflection of who you are, who the other person is, what you want, and what they are capable of. Fake-ass dating advice like twirling your hair and feigning ignorance will result in the exact opposite of that desired outcome.

Good luck out there!

ncG1vNJzZmicopmyt7vNqamim5VjwLau0q2YnKNemLyue89omK6smajBqq%2BMmpuvoZOaenZ5x6iuZpyfYrZussuiqa0%3D