PicoBlog

You know how sometimes you hear a piece of conventional wisdom over and over again, just to have to learn it in real time? I’ve heard the phrase “progress isn’t linear” more times than I can count. I’ve probably said it more times than I can count. But this year there have been times when it feels like I am learning it for the first time.

First, let me tell you about my dog, Piper. Last March my wife and I adopted a beautiful rescue dog from Romania. If you’re living in the UK, as we do, you’ve probably heard a lot about these dogs - they’re untrained, they’ve never lived in homes, they’re unpredictable. Alternatively, they have amazing personalities, they’re so grateful to be rescued, they’re the sweetest dogs you could meet, etc etc. The stories change based on the experience and agenda of the teller. My experience with Piper is simply that she is a dog - with all the personality that comes with that.

I think humans sometimes forget that dogs (or any animal!) can be as different from one another as people are. Conventional wisdom goes that you can use the same training techniques for any dog and get the same results everytime. A dog just needs to know who’s boss!

So we brought Piper home and began to train her. Quickly it became clear that she had lived in a home before and understood some of the rules. Except for one accident on her first day she was completely housebroken, a boon to us, living in a carpetted flat as we were. She didn’t know any commands, but quickly learned “sit” and “wait.” She was okay to be left on her own for several hours - a characteristic we were so keen to encourage that somedays we forced ourselves to leave the house when all we really wanted was to sit on the couch. She was sweet and quiet and got on with everyone, dog or human.

She was a self-assured little dog to start out, but as the weeks went on it became clear that her confidence could sometimes turn into brattiness. Piper loves to play with dogs her size and larger, but has been known to bully a few of the smaller neighborhood terriers. She found her voice quickly, and soon began to bark when people entered our apartment building. A pup with an infinite stomach, she will eat anything she finds on the ground, much to our chagrin. And so the training began in earnest.

On days when Piper responds promptly to a name call or ignores a small dog approaching on our walks I am filled with so much pride, both in her and in myself. We’ve done it, she and I, we’ve fully mastered this dog/person thing! She’s conclusively a good girl and I’m unimpeachably a good dog owner and no one can say otherwise. But the funny thing I’ve learned is actually, a dog’s behaviour is not the same everyday. Piper’s mood is impacted by the weather or how much exercise she’s had or how recently she’s smelled the neighbourhood fox on the wind. Piper has good days and sometimes she has bad days and sometimes she just has dog days. This is terrifying compared to the comfortable idea that if you do everything right your dog will be the same every day. It’s scary to love something and not be able to control all the elements that impact it’s happiness and safety.

It’s a comfort too though. Dogs have many of the same instincts as people, without the same timescales or long-term planning. They’re just balls of instinct and emotion, and so I think they provide a good mirror to our nervous system.

I think, despite conventional wisdom, I have believed that if I follow all the rules, I too can contribute in the same way everyday. I’ve read the wellness blogs and practiced the self care. I went to therapy and learned boundaries. I spoke to my doctor and learned breathing exercises. I’ve done all the things you’re meant to do to self-actualise in this world. And yet, these past few years especially, I’ve had my fair share of bad days.

I broke my leg and as it has healed I’ve found the pain varies from day-to-day. Sometimes I can walk for miles and othertimes I cramp up and need to slow down. Since getting Covid this past winter I’ve had intermediate periods of brain fog when focusing seems impossible. Words get lost in my head and I lose track of my daily tasks. Sometimes I think it has passed and then I have day so foggy that the only thing I can do is go to sleep. I was laid off from a job I loved because I struggled with administrative tasks. Somedays I feel I have moved on, and other days I feel overwhelming anger and heartbreak.

Conventional wisdom says progress isn’t linear, but when things don’t go according to plan I often find myself asking “Am I lazy? Am I making this all up? I thought I was past this part of my life, why can’t I simply wake up every day and be better?”

A few months ago I was listening to Spotify and Megan Thee Stallion’s incredible track “Anxiety” from her 2022 album Traumazine came on. From the opening lyrics “I’m a bad bitch and I’ve got bad anxiety” I knew this song was something special. Megan’s brand has long been about shameless self-love and confidence, from her “Hot Girl Summer” days to her feature on “WAP” with Cardi B. In her music she’s self-assured about everything from her rapping abilities to her sexual prowess, so “Traumazine” stands out in its vulnerability.

Megan has spoken publicly about being shot by her former friend and her subsequent media treatment, so I won’t rehash the whole thing. I encourage you to read her piece with Elle about her journey to healing and the pressure she felt as a Black woman to appear strong throughout.

In “Anxiety” Megan allows room for her grief about the loss of her mother, as well as her anger at the misogyny and racism she’s experienced in the music industry. Her typical writing-off of her detractors is balanced with the self-awareness of someone knowing they’re feeling petty while having a bad day as she raps “Today I really hate everybody/ And that's just me bein' real.”

But what has remained with me is the chorus where she puts her on spin on the progress isn’t linear narrative. “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday/ Bad bitches have bad days too / Friday, Saturday, Sunday, bounce back / How a bad bitch always do / All I really wanna hear is, "It'll be okay"/ Bounce back 'cause a bad bitch can have bad days.”

The bouncey, rhythmic beat of these words has become a mantra to me this year. Yes, some days are harder than others, and yes the good days will come. But there’s no shame in having bad days. They don’t make us bad people. But we can’t operate on bad days by pretending they are good.

Disability justice has a theory for this, called the Spoon Theory, coined by Christine Miserandino as a way to think about how much energy tasks take when you have a chronic illness. Miserandino argued that “when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons.” But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with.” People start each day with different numbers of spoons and different tasks require a different amount of spoons. Maybe showering takes 1 spoon but walking to work takes 5. If you only have 10 spoons to start, you’ve already used over half your energy before your day has truly begun. People with disabilities then have to ration their spoons to be able to get through a day. And different days look different! On a day you’re feeling well maybe it just took 1 spoon to shower, but a day you’re experiencing a flare-up it might take 3 spoons to do the same task.

Spoon theory has exploded since Miserandino first wrote about it in 2003, and has become a shorthand for people with disabilities to talk about their experiences. It’s a deeply effective visual metaphor that doesn’t assign a moral value to being unwell. I’ve found it deeply beneficial to thinking about how I manage my relationship to my mental health. But it seems, despite this wisdom, that on low spoon days, the people who most need support still are expected to show up as if they have boundless energy.

More and more I think about how we can make space in everyday life for the bad days. How can our workplaces, our relationships, our home lives give us the flexibility that recognises that sometimes we are struggling? How do we build a gentler world that allows us to be human?

I know this is a non-rhetorical questions and I hope to brainstorm some practical steps we can take to supporting our communities throughout the life of this substack. If someone has helped you out on a bad day, tell me how in the comments below. Remember, self-care is good but community-care is always better!

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