PicoBlog

I always knew that I had a different way of thinking and processing information to most people. I struggle with staying organized, staying focused on anything for more than a few minutes and having disproportionate emotional responses to things that would be perceived as minor by most people.  

In my 20s and 30s I assumed I was immature and that my struggles would ease as I got older. However, I reached 40 yet remained as disorganized, inattentive, hypersensitive, chaotic and overwhelmed as ever.

It wasn't until I started experiencing some intense burnout symptoms during my final year as a teacher that I decided to go get to the bottom of why I was like this. I had been teaching for twelve years at this point, eight of which in a special education provision where I taught autistic and ADHD teenagers in sixth form.

After about six months experiencing burnout and declining mental health, I was diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) with autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

The ADHD diagnosis did not come as a shock to me, nor to anyone who had ever tried to watch a film with me from start to finish or seen my messy school desk.

The Autism was more of a surprise as it is often associated with more severe symptoms, such as a lack of social skills, repetitive behaviours, and difficulty communicating. However, autism can present itself in many different ways. For example, difficulties with executive functioning, sensory processing, rejection sensitive dysphoria, emotional regulation and hyper emotional empathy. However many of these ASD traits overlap heavily with ADHD so its hard to know where one ends and the other begins. I will say I identify much more with being ADHD than ASD.

Hyper emotional empathy is not a well-known symptom of people with Autism and ADHD but it can be a real struggle for us.  It contradicts the prevalent misconception about people with Autism lacking empathy.

Many people believe that Autistics people lack empathy and that therefore they must be emotionally cold, almost psych0pathic, but this could not be further from the truth.

Research has shown that some autistic people may have difficulties with cognitive empathy, which is intellectually recognizing another person's emotional state. However autistic and ADHD brains often have heightened emotional empathy, which is the ability to feel another's emotional state.

Hyper-emotional empathy involves experiencing and feeling the emotions of others at an intense level. Individuals with autism and ADHD may be particularly prone to hyper-emotional empathy, and may feel overwhelmed by the emotional states of others, particularly as we have difficulty regulating our own emotions. This can result in feeling highly distressed in situations where other people and animals are suffering emotionally. Those of us with hyper emotional empathy can feel and absorb the emotions of others more intensely than typical individuals. This can result in feeling overwhelmed and distressed in social situations or when exposed to strong emotions from others. It also means that many of us can read the emotions of others with almost a 6th sense accuracy. I have read accounts from individuals with autism who have reported feeling overwhelmed by the emotional energy of crowded places, such as shopping malls or concerts.

Most Autistic people I know, including myself find it very distressing witnessing the suffering of others. The autistic students that I taught could not tolerate seeing other people or animals in distress. Seeing another student upset would lead to emotional dysregulation, which often manifested as meltdowns or emotional outbursts.

Many Autistic people identify as empaths, the literal opposite of psych0paths.

During the year of teaching at the specialist school, I attended a talk by Tony Attwood, a clinical psychologist who has written extensively about female autism. That was when I first learned that female autism can often present differently from male autism, and may be more challenging to diagnose due to the way that autistic females often mask autistic traits.

Masking is the process by which neurodivergent individuals learn to hide or suppress their neurodivergent traits in order to fit in better with neurotypical individuals and navigate social situations more effectively. This can involve mimicking or imitating social behaviours, such as making eye contact, using appropriate facial expressions, and following social norms and rules. Masking can be particularly prevalent in females with autism or ADHD who may have a greater desire to fit in socially and who may be more skilled at imitating social behaviour. Masking can be exhausting and can lead to a sense of disconnection from their true selves and low confidence. It also makes diagnoses much harder as people around them perceive them as being neurotypical, albeit with some anxiety and aversion to socialising.

Getting my diagnosis was both liberating and daunting. On one hand, it was a relief to finally have an explanation for some of the difficulties that I had been experiencing for years. It helped me understand that some of the challenges I faced were not simply due to my own shortcomings, but rather were a part of my neurodivergency. On the other hand, it was also daunting to realize that I would have to relearn some of the coping mechanisms and strategies that I had developed over the years.

One of the biggest challenges of living with my neurodivergent brain is the dreaded Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), an awful symptom associated with Autism and ADHD, particularly in females. RSD is a form of emotional dysregulation and it is characterized by an intense response to real or perceived rejection from others. I am hypersensitive to the way others speak to me and can interpret even minor changes in their tone or body language as a sign of rejection or disapproval, which can trigger a flood of negative emotions, ranging from anxiety and panic to sadness and despair which can linger for hours or even days afterwards.

When I experience RSD, it's like a switch is flipped in my brain and I become hyper-focused on the perceived rejection or criticism. I find it difficult to think about anything else, and my emotions can quickly spiral out of control. Even when I know intellectually that the perceived rejection may not be as significant as I'm making it out to be, my emotional response can be overwhelming and disproportionate.

One of the most challenging aspects of RSD is that it can be difficult for others to understand. To someone who doesn't experience it, it might seem like an overreaction to a minor criticism or perceived slight. But for someone with RSD, it can feel like a life-or-death situation. The fear of rejection can be so overwhelming that it can make it difficult to function in everyday life. An episode of RSD can feel so intense that the sufferer may even experience suicide ideation.

A teacher who experiences RSD can have a very difficult time. Teaching is a high pressured, often thankless job, characterised by constant scrutiny, criticism from parents and line managers, and feeling as if they have never quite done enough.

One of the most frustrating things about RSD is that it can be difficult to explain to others. Because it is a relatively unknown condition, people may not understand why I am so sensitive to criticism or why I react so strongly to even minor social cues. This can lead to feelings of shame or embarrassment, as I struggle to articulate what I am experiencing.

Learning more about RSD and its relationship to ADHD has helped me understand that this is a legitimate condition and that I'm not alone in my struggles. I have learned tools and strategies to help manage my emotions and cope with RSD when it does occur. Even just knowing that it is a symptom of my own erroneous internal processing, and that it does not necessarily match reality has helped hugely. I still experience episodes, but nowhere near as debilitating as I did pre- diagnosis.

Although being a teacher with ADHD was extremely challenging, it was also extremely rewarding. On one hand, teaching is a creative and dynamic profession that can be well-suited to the high energy and quick thinking of someone with ADHD. It is an exciting, stimulating environment and no day was the same as the previous day, especially in a special educational setting. Above all else, I absolutely loved working with my students and leaving was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

However, teaching in the educational system can feel hostile and overwhelming. Teaching requires a lot of focus, organization, attention to detail, a huge amount of scrutiny, excessive workload and constant deadlines, all of which feel unsurmountable for someone with ADHD to keep track of.

Another challenge of being a teacher with ADHD is managing distractions. In a classroom setting, there are many different stimuli that can compete for your attention, from the noise of students to the constant flow of emails and notifications. Staff rooms were almost always bustling and noisy. I needed a quiet and organized workspace where I could focus on my work without distractions, but this was almost never possible as schools are noisy and often overcrowded.

One of the biggest struggles I face as a teacher with ADHD was managing my workload. Sixty to seventy hours a week is ridiculous for everyone and felt impossible for me.  

Teaching requires a lot of planning, marking, and administrative tasks, all of which felt very difficult for me to keep track of. I constantly felt overwhelmed, anxious and exhausted as I struggled to keep up with the demands of the job.

I tried to be very intentional about creating systems and routines to keep myself organized and on track. This included things like using a planner, setting reminders, and breaking tasks down into smaller, more manageable steps, but ultimately, I couldn’t hack it and felt I had to leave due to the negative impact on my mental health.

Looking back, I am proud of what I accomplished as a neurodivergent teacher , but I paid a price with my mental health and well-being. It was not an easy, but I learned a lot about myself and my abilities along the way. If you are a teacher with ADHD, know that you are not alone and that there are resources and support available to help you manage your symptoms.

ncG1vNJzZmiilZa7qrHGnpxnq6WXwLWtwqRlnKedZL1wrsSipaBlkaN6orDHnWStnZGYtaa%2BjJqlnWWnncZutYylnJ%2Bs