Being calm is not our default mode
I used to think that the goal was to be the calmest person in the room. In pursuit of this goal, I spent many years attempting to shift my biggest emotions into states of relaxation, positivity, and optimism. Truth is— I’m over the bullsh*t Wellness Culture™ requirement that we should be happy, calm, and positive all the time.
For a long time, I thought you could only be a healthy adult if you were happy, calm, and relaxed. I used to think adulthood was only about the pursuit of happiness, relaxation, and peace. More bullsh*t.
I thought that being in control of my emotions was about making it look like I had none. I used to think the most emotionally intelligent people were those who never showed their emotions on their face. I used to think that shutting down emotions was the work it took to become more self aware and self complete.
I was wrong about all of this. I bought into the main myth of wellness culture which says that you can live a life free from discomfort and promises that pure states of wellness are achievable, possible, and realistic. A state of pure happiness, pure calm, pure relaxation, and pure immortality is not just unachievable, impossible, and unrealistic; it is dangerously misguided and untrue. Discomfort is a part of life.
A number of years ago, while training to become a therapist, I learned about the different theories of emotion. For those who don’t know: researchers do not fully agree on what emotions actually are, but there is some consensus about what they do and how they function.
Emotions are signals felt within the body; these signals are messages about our needs. Most emotions are circumstantial, which helps us handle the situation in front of us, whereas other emotions are historical, which enables us to use data from the past to handle situations in the present.
When I started learning about emotions, I realized I needed a new relationship with my own emotions so I could honour my feelings in each moment and listen to the needs they advocate for.
Growing up, I learned how to ignore the messages from my emotions. I thought that the goal was to exterminate every painful, unsettling, and uncomfortable feeling. Since I thought the goal was to be happy, calm, and relaxed, I started to shut down all the messages that didn’t meet those criteria. Spoiler alert: It didn’t make me more happy, calm, and relaxed. It made me more stressed and depressed.
So, if emotions are both circumstantial (of the moment) and historical (of the past), then what is our default mode? Being calm, happy, positive, peaceful, and relaxed is not our default mode. Our default mode is being in a state of emotional flux.
This means our emotional landscape shifts with the terrain we experience throughout the day. Our emotions are doing their job and functioning well when they help us face the situation in front of us. Some emotions produce discomfort to get our attention and divert our focus (joy, disgust, fear, sadness), to help us rise to a challenge (excitement), to help us avoid things (disgust, fear, anxiety), to change our behaviour (sadness, guilt, shame), or to fight back (anger). Discomfort is not always a sign that something is wrong— it is often a sign of an emotion at work, doing the job it thinks it needs to do.
This means we should make room for the feelings we’re actually feeling and not just the most comfortable ones or the ones we want to feel more of. We can acknowledge feelings as they are happening without trying to escape them, shut them out, or move out of them. By accepting our emotions as they are, we are allowing the system to be in flux. By being unafraid of discomfort, we allow our emotions the room they need to shrink and expand. The byproduct of this? A calm, happy, and relaxed nervous system that doesn’t need to be bossed around or told what to do.
In that very same vein, when we allow our emotions to do their thing, they become less agitated and less activated. They learn that they don’t need to stand on high alert and they don’t fear being ordered around by the thinking, expecting, and controlling parts of us. It allows us to confront our real feelings. When we accept emotions as they are, we no longer have to rush towards calm or, worse, punish ourselves for not already being there.
Acknowledging how we truly feel has a natural effect of shifting the state of our nervous system. When we ignore this crucial first step and try to consciously force and shift what’s happening inside, we may just end up ignoring, bypassing, and suppressing what’s there. Calming down from a big feeling is not about forcing ourselves to be calm. It is about accepting and acknowledging the feelings happening in front of us.
To put this another way: Our goal is not to just be a calm or emotionless version of ourselves. Our goal is not just to think positively and hope, wish, and pray for the discomfort to go away. Our goal is to be with our emotions rather than run from them. No one is without emotion— we all have them. Our goal is to be honest about how we are feeling so we can feel, express, and process our emotions authentically.
No, this isn’t to say that we should never pursue states of calm. It just means that although it feels good, being calm, happy, and relaxed are not a baseline that we should always be striving for. Sometimes peace and relaxation are the byproduct of feeling our anger. Other times, happiness is a byproduct of doing something you felt anxious about. There is a paradox here to explore; sometimes the most efficient way to find comfort is to move through the discomfort.
In any case, moving from an activated and high-energy feeling to a state of calm and relaxation is a journey that takes time. It doesn’t happen in a flash. It takes patience and a willingness to face what’s in front of us. It takes practice. It takes surrender. It takes courage. Sometimes it means being unafraid and other times it means doing it while afraid.
I’m doing it with you,
Jake
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