But Daddy I Love Him
I’ll never forget watching The Little Mermaid for the first time as a parent, eagerly sliding the DVD into the machine and promising my little kids the “best movie ever.” And in my adolescence, it was. A beautiful mermaid falls in love with a handsome prince. A tyrannical dad determined to keep his daughter chained to the sea floor. Ursula, the dark wielder of the sea offering to give Ariel what she wants for a simple price. “It won’t cost much… just YOUR VOICE.”
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I remember my own lungs collapse a little on this seeming trip down oceanic memory lane when I heard Ariel cry to her dad, “I’m 16! I’m not a child.”
Like hell she’s not! My head instinctively shook with a visceral reaction. A projection I stood by resolutely for years crumbled before my eyes. I reconsidered that maybe Ariel’s father wasn’t the villain. Maybe he was a good dad, after all! Ariel was a stubborn typical teenager who thought she knew better but I could guarantee one day she’d look back and appreciate her father’s determination to keep her sea-bound and not sell herself to the sea witch for a boy.
“But Daddy I love him,” Ariel cries in an last attempt to make him understand. As a child watching this movie, that line seemed like all the justification anyone would need to do — well — anything. But as an adult? Let’s just say time and experience has changed my mind.
Lately I’ve been thinking about my book and the story I’ve put out there for the world, and possibly someday my children and grandchildren to read about my descent into alcohol use disorder. Between drafting the book outline to finding a publisher to finally the book launch, we’re talking a five year trek that I often wondered if it would ever see the light of day.
Originally, I started talking to my agent about the book idea when I was one year sober… so in 2018. After building a proposal, Covid swooped in and delayed any possibility of a book deal. When I finally signed with a publisher, it was 2022 by the time I was actively typing away. And now, after years of waiting, wondering, flustered and frustrated, I have one thing to say: Thank God.
A book on my addiction and recovery story in 2018 would read vastly different than the one that came out in 2023. And NOT in a good way. So much healing in recovery happens in those early days. I still had so much inner work to do back then, and on things I didn’t necessarily need to publicly address. My book already included a few blog posts I wrote in early sobriety. Reading those back, the tone feels generally sad, lacking self awareness, and with a tinge of self-victimization that makes me cringe. I would not have been ready to write a book in the first few years sober; I needed more time.
I believe it’s common for authors to disagree or veer from the approaches they took on a memoir after the fact. Imagine the tone of an Ariel memoir at 16 versus — say — 35, for example. But in the recovery space, a voice in early, immature sobriety can be negatively influential. Many of us begin our recovery spaces with open raw wounds and it’s easy to weave justifications and deflections into our writing (speaking from experience).
In my book, there was one story I *almost* shared with some obvious open wounds still protruding from the flesh. If you’ll recall my experience with Peggy, the only person I spoke to in AA during my early sobriety, my first draft threw a couple daggers. I was clearly still pissed and looking to clap back.
My editor called out my tone and I initially felt defensive. It took some sleepless nights and reflection to realize I was blaming someone else for not doing the hard work for me. The work of showing up, taking this seriously, and getting my hands dirty? That’s my job; no one else.
Thank God that part of the draft never made the cut. But you look at other recovery books, this kind of victim mindset can be prevalent. Just look at Matthew Perry’s book (which I actually enjoyed for the reflection on the Friends years) for it’s antagonistic tone towards enablers, the business of recovery, and his ex-sponsor. I imagine Perry felt pressured by both the industry and his own desire for a redemption story to put this book out when internally he needed something else entirely.
So should people in early recovery not write memoirs? Not necessarily and there’s no magical date for when the time is right. But it’s worth exploring if you are ready to metaphorically empty your purse to the entire world just yet. I see incredible pressure for people newly sober to write a book because it seems like the next right step. But I have to wonder if time is the greatest gift in recovery for the hindsight and reflection it offers us alone, let alone the wisdom to then share.
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Taylor Swift recently announced the song titles for her next album. One of them is called “But, Daddy, I love him” and Swifties speculate it’s about her former relationship with Joe Alwyn and how he supposedly wanted her to leave fame and music behind to settle down. Essentially forcing Taylor to give up her voice to salvage their relationship.
I’m not going to speculate, but Taylor and Ariel do have a few things in common. They’ve were singing for audiences at 16 and well before then. Their ideas and feelings towards love have probably evolved significantly since their first time in love. I wonder how Taylor feels having to sing songs that lyrically hold the maturity of a 16 year old when so much has since changed. And while I hope she has no regrets, I also imagine she is proud of how much her music and voice has matured over time.
Our voices in recovery are all so important because they help us end the stigmas around addiction and recovery. I hope we can each find ways to capture our stories, whether it’s in a meeting, online, or in a private journal. When is the right time to write a memoir? I imagine you will know when it’s time because your message will match your heart and authenticity. When your tone and voice harmonize. And when your story won’t cost your voice, it will amplify it.
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