PicoBlog

Happy Uncle O’Grimacey Day to those who celebrate. While Ireland itself actually turns out some excellent films, there are some pretty terrible American movies with Irish “themes” which gives me the luxury of having a few to choose from. I decided to forego the obvious and skip the Leprechaun series and instead I wanted to discuss a movie that doesn’t get its due whether as a good movie, a bad movie, a sports movie, a Boston movie or a Wayans movie, even though it is by definition all of those things. It stars not only the legendary Damon Wayans and Dan Aykroyd, but also stars one of my favorite humans in earth’s history, Daniel Stern. This movie involves sports-rigging, kidnapping, death threats, divorce and mindgames. I am of course talking about the 1996 cult-classic Celtic Pride.

Celtic Pride involves two bone-headed Celtics fans whose obsession leads them to kidnap the star player of the Utah Jazz to give the Celtics an advantage in the last game of the Finals. If you’ve never seen this movie before, I would highly recommend it. It’s a lot of fun even if it isn’t perfect. It was directed by Tom DeCerchio, but more importantly it was written by Colin Quinn and Judd Apatow (Maude’s dad) with Judd also producing. It definitely feels like Judd’s all over this one in the best way. DeCerchio hasn’t really directed much else, but he did do this one so I have to give him a little credit. But I’ll stop ball-hogging here and pass this one off to you, dear reader.

Our movie starts with a coach-like pep talk by elementary school phys ed teacher Mike O’Hara who allows the students to play on the trampoline but expresses his worry over the possibility of the Boston Celtics losing the game they will be playing that night. He discusses how despite telling the children that winning isn’t important and what matters is playing with sportsmanship, the Celtics “must” win because they’re a NBA team and not a pointless elementary school team, which like yeah he’s not wrong. He vows to make them win, scaring off a student, before he’s visited by his wife Carol (Gail O’Grady) who reminds him that she still has divorce papers ready if he continues his excessive Celtics fandom, which is leading to irresponsibility and near obsession, where the Celtics become more important to Mike than Carol and their son Tommy (Adam Hendershott). Mike does a classic Stern move and lights a cigarette in his school teacher office (a little Max Grabelski-esque flair). Carol states that she understands his obsession as he never became a pro basketball player, and Mike snaps back that his dream is dead, yelling it at the students as Carol walks away telling him he’s sick. He screams of his love for the Celtics.

We see a commercial for Utah Jazz player Lewis Scott (Damon Wayans) advertising his Nike shoe while declaring himself not to be a hero. Mike’s best friend plumber Jimmy Flaherty (Dan Aykroyd) is angrily watching a Bruins game and smoking a cigar in some guy’s house while he should be fixing the guy’s toilet, which upsets the guy. In Mike’s car, he speaks with Tommy saying people’s values are all out of whack because society doesn’t value sports enough anymore, then says that’s why he and Carol are getting divorced before driving away. I would argue society values sports too much but anyway.

Mike and Jimmy eat ribs while Boston classic rock banger “Dirty Water” plays on a speaker. Officer Kevin O’Grady (Paul Guilfoyle) sits with the fellas and talks probability of the Celtics winning against the Jazz in the finals when the TV shows an angry Lewis Scott at a press conference stating he’s carrying his team, which disgusts the fellas who consider him an egomaniac ballhog. Mike and Jimmy arrive at the Celtics vs. Jazz game where hot dog salesperson Suzy (Connie Perry) shows her crush on Jimmy by giving him a hot dog whose bun she toasted with her curling iron somehow. Mike trash talks the Jazz members and Scott takes notice. Mike especially upsets the Jazz coach who is seated only a few rows ahead of Mike.

The Celtics are winning and an angry Scott causes a foul mushing a Celtic member’s face in frustration. An old friend of Mike and Jimmy, Chris (Darrell Hammond) is deemed a bad luck charm by the guys, especially after his presence caused a big loss in 1986, and the crowd works together to shame Chris into leaving once the Celtics take a turn for the worse. His departure brings them back, but Jimmy and Mike, along with other fans in their section, continue to perform superstitious behaviors to tip the game back to the Celtics. The Celtics end up losing to the Jazz, causing Mike and Jimmy to become despondent and sad.

Jimmy gets a call from a bartender friend at a club, stating Lewis Scott is at the club leaving $100 tips and dancing. Jimmy deems this as rubbing it in the Celtics fans’ faces and the guys go the club to approach Scott. Jimmy gets close and stares into Scott’s eyes maniacally but that’s all he manages before the guys go watch the action from a balcony. They vow to get him really drunk, getting him “wasted for a week” so he can’t play in game 7 on Sunday, thus clinching victory for Boston. Mike and Jimmy pose as Jazz fans to try and get in Scott’s favor, when other Celtics fans drunkenly approach to talk shit to Scott. Mike intervenes, stopping the drunk and sucking up to Scott as the man calls Mike a traitor for being a Jazz fan from Boston. Scott appreciates the guys and insists on buying them drinks and not letting them buy any for him. Larry Bird (Larry Bird) approaches to congratulate Scott on the good game and Mike and Jimmy nervously shake Larry’s hand as Scott declares them to be Celtics haters, blowing the chance for Mike and Jimmy to suck up to their hero. They claim they were fans when Larry was on the team and he states that fair-weather fans like that make him sick before he departs and Jimmy and Mike tearfully try to justify their fake non-appreciation for Larry Bird.

We get a montage of the guys getting plasterino’ed with Scott, closing out the club and ending up behind the bar with the bartenders inventing weird cocktails. The guys lead Scott out under the guise of taking him to an after-hours spot and Scott passes out so the guys bring him to Jimmy’s apartment where Mike is also staying after Carol booted him. The guys wake up and find Scott there panicking as they don’t remember what they did. They realize they duct-taped him back at the apartent and are therefore guilty of kidnapping. Before trying to wake him up or fix the situation, they take some pictures of him passed out wearing a Celtics jersey and hat. I can appreciate this. An early deep-fake if you will. Meanwhile the Jazz Coach Kimball (Christopher McDonald) and players are worried about Scott’s absence. The guys attempt to carry Scott downstairs still bound, but he comes-to and gets the upper-hand on Mike, delcarinh he remembers their names. Jimmy pulls a gun on Scott and Mike tells him to get back upstairs. Kimball freaks out on the players and insists his assistant keep calling Scott to find him.

The guys come clean to Scott that they are Celtics fans who are holding him for the benefit of their team. Scott correctly determines the chip on Mike’s shoulder as an athlete who never made it and Mike goes to get coffee. Scott attempts to turn Jimmy against Mike but Jimmy doesn’t fall for it. Cop Kevin pulls up on Mike to speak cordially but Mike’s nervous. A man approaches Kevin to help him because his Porsche was just carjacked, but Kevin just demeans the guy so he can keep talking to Mike. Scott tries to intimidate Jimmy but Jimmy shoots the gun frantically which scares Scott back into his seat. Mike attempts to vaguely get information on how much trouble “someone” would be in for kidnapping Scott, and Kevin gives him different answers based on his opinion as a cop and as a Celtics fan. Scott ends up getting Jimmy upset with Mike and when Mike returns, Jimmy punches him in the face. Scott smiles as hi plan to get in their heads is working.

Coach Kimball is still under the impression Scott is blowing off practice as it is his usual behavior. Kimball states that Scott could use a good beating to teach him a lesson. Mike and Jimmy quietly discuss their options on how to handle Scott. They decide their job as part of the Celtics fandom is to keep Scott kidnapped to ensure a victory. Scott declares that it won’t count because they cheated but the guys don’t care, they’re kidnappers bro. Scott and the guys discuss selling out and athlete celebrity status. The guys say he does so much commercial work that if they can flip through all the channels without seeing Scott in a commercial, they’ll let him go. He almost ends up a free man, until the guys end up on an Oscar Meyer commercial with Scott playing one-on-one against a cartoon hot dog. Carol and Tommy stop by to tell Mike they’re leaving him with Jimmy for good. Mike lies that he acknowledges his sports addiction and will work on becoming better to get in Carol’s good graces, despite Scott being tied up feet away. Carol agrees to get them couples’ therapy on Monday and goes to leave with Tommy but Carol hears a noise and thinks Mike has a woman over. She goes to investigate and finds Jimmy holding Scott at gunpoint. Tommy recognizes Scott but when Carol questions who he is, Mike gets upset that Carol knows so little about basketball despite it being Mike’s life. Carol declares that Mike is sick and leaves with Tommy, saying she’s calling the cops before divorcing Mike.

The guys play pool not seeming to care much about Carol’s threats to call the police. Jimmy escorts Scott to the bathroom as they discuss the possibility of the cops being called. All of the sudden, the landlord Nick (Steve Sweeney) pops in to collect past-due rent from Jimmy. Uh, oh! Tension! Mike pays Nick but in the distraction, Scott walks out with his hands unbound, much to the surprise of everyone. The guys attempt to give chase, but Scott is much faster than them. He ends up in a cab, but the driver is a Celtics fan and boots him out of the cab. The guys catch up to Scott as a cop car approaches. Scott thinks he’s safe but the cop turns out to be Kevin, who declares the situation “bizarre” before walking away to turn a blind eye.

The guys drive around with Scott in the plumbing van. Meanwhile, Kevin, using the knowledge of Scott being kidnapped, places a large bet on the Celtics to win game 7. Scott regales the guys with his tales of bedding famous women and the guys are seemingly developing a sense of camaraderie. At a gas station, Scott gets loose and gets the upper hand on Jimmy while Mike goes to pay for gas. Scott pours gasoline all over Mike’s pants and threatens him with a lighter if Jimmy won’t free him. Jimmy says he’s willing to sacrifice Mike for the Celtics but the lighter Scott has is one that Jimmy states “hasn’t worked since Dukakis was governor”. BIG MAJOR HUGE SHOUTOUT TO MIKE DUKAKIS. IF YOU WON THE 1988 ELECTION THIS WORLD WOULD BE A DIFFERENT AND BETTER PLACE BUT YOU WERE SCREWED BY LEE ATWATER AND THUS WE WERE ALL SCREWED.

The guys get Scott back in the van where he begs the guys to let him go, vowing he won’t turn them in. He knows the guys have no plan but Mike thinks Scott has no pride in his stature as he doesn’t work hard like Mike did and Scott gets under his skin stating that Mike just wasn’t born with talent. Mike challenges Scott to a one-on-one game but Scott wipes the floor with Mike. Scott earns his freedom and tells the guys that he will not turn them into the police if they root for him as Jazz fans in the stand, but will if they don’t honor his request.

Mike goes to visit Carol and Tommy, all acknowledging that he may be going to prison soon. They attempt small talk not involving basketball, but it doesn’t go great even with Tommy trying to help Mike. Jimmy goes to visit his grandmother and tell her he may be going away but she doesn’t seem to care or realize what he’s saying. At the game, the guys are hiding their Jazz attire under their jackets. They are in a section with all their friends who are horrified when they see the Jazz jerseys, calling them traitors. Suzy hits Jimmy in disgust. Mike ends up convincing the crowd that he and Jimmy are fake rooting for the Jazz to jinx them, as the last time they rooted for the Celtics who lost, and the gullible and superstitious crowd believes them, allowing them to root for Scott and escape a beating.

Coach Kimball prepares to start the game without Scott, telling the team they can accomplish everything even though it’s the opposite of what he’s been telling them the whole movie. Kevin arrives and winks at the guys but calls their Jazz attire overkill. The guys tell Kevin that Scott escaped and Kevin panics, but not because he bet on the game like we were led to believe. No, Kevin spent $20,000 getting Celtics championship t-shirts made, all which will be worthless if the Celtics lose and which Kevin will force the guys to pay for.

Scott enters the arena at the last minute and the guys get his attention so he sees their Jazz clothing. Kimball benches Scott for his insubordination without letting him explain what happened. The guys again taunt Kimball but this time telling him to put Scott in the game. Kimball cracks under pressure and does just that. Scott is off-rhythm with his teammates which the announcers blame on his missing practice. The fellas continue to limply cheer for the Jazz. The Celtics are doing great but Mike and Jimmy are stressed out knowing if Scott loses, they will be turned into the police. They stomp a man in the crowd attempting to spread the Gospel of Christ. Jimmy wins the seat raffle to go on court and take a shot but he’s nervous as he’s in Jazz gear on home turf. Mike amps him up, stating they’ll need bail money and it was always their dreams as kids to play at the Boston Garden, which is going to be torn down. The crowd is stunned at Jimmy’s Jazz jersey but he makes the shot and the guys win $100,000 which the crowd celebrates.

The guys don’t celebrate long, as they stress over their impending imprisonment while in line to pee in the bathroom. Jimmy declares he’ll take the fall so Mike can stay with his family but Mike insists he wouldn’t let Jimmy go in alone. During the second half, the Celtics are still up. Scott decides to start passing the ball to his teammates which they almost don’t believe at first. The Jazz starts gaining momentum and the guys cheer excitedly, so much so that they end up checking themselves on whether they are Jazz fans now or if they are just trying to avoid jailtime. Jimmy is having a meltdown as Scott and his team catch up to the Celtics by playing together for once. The Jazz end up one point behind with seven seconds to go and Mike and Jimmy realize they need to root for the Jazz to keep their lives, deeming their freedom and families more important than the Celtics for once.

Scott makes a pass which leads his teammate to make the winning shot and the crowd is devastated but Mike and Jimmy are beyond ecstatic, as are Carol and Tommy back home. Mike and Jimmy go down on the court to celebrate with Scott but Scott is not happy. Kevin approaches ready to prosecute Mike and Jimmy for the t-shirt debt. Scott tells Kevin that Mike and Jimmy are his friends, refusing to press charges since Kevin didn’t help Scott earlier. The guys apologize and it seems Scott is sincere in calling them his friends, which is why I love comedy movies, folks. Oh you’re gonna kidnap and possibly kill me? Well you helped me too, so now we’re besties for life. Can’t beat cinematic rules.

We flash forward seven months and Mike and Jimmy are sneaking around in the dark, with Mike reporting that Carol is taking an interest in sports and even went to a hockey game with Mike recently. Mike declares he learned his lesson and Jimmy agrees, saying they’ll never interfere with an NBA championship game ever. They then declare “this is different” before kidnapping Deion Sanders from his hotel and that’s our movie.

So yeah, it’s not like the best thing ever but it is far from terrible and deserves WAY higher than the 9% it currently has at Rotten Tomatoes. I think one of the main issues with critical assessment of this film stems from how subtle the dark humor is. Honestly, if you’re not honed in on who’s doing the acting and who did the writing, some of the dialogue may just seem dumb and kind of heartless, but when you realize that it’s tongue-in-cheek? I don’t know, I’m not calling this the best movie ever, but I really feel that its actual level of dark humor was not accounted for. Maybe it’s just me, but I consider this a thinking man’s dumb movie about basketball. Another fun factor with this one is that a bunch of the characters’ last names are the last names of actors playing different characters, which is something I noticed when researching the cast on IMDB. I don’t know, folks. I think the system really don’t want us to enjoy this movie, but regardless, I did and I think you might too. So plunk down your $3.99 on Vudu and rent this one tonight. It’s cheaper than a green beer, after all. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

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