PicoBlog

Every time I go to Six Flags Great America, I look for the American Eagle. You can’t miss it. It’s 4,650 feet long, and the red and blue trains climb up 127 feet on a lift hill. For some maniacal reason, I always want to get on the front of every roller coaster ride, including this one.

But it never fails. Every single time the Six Flags employees wave me over to hop in a roller coaster seat, I always think the same thing: “Why am I getting on this ride? Why don’t I just get off?” It’s my idea to get on though!

The first drop is over 66 miles per hour, and you feel like your stomach has left your whole body. The imaginary brake you have in a car doesn’t do you a bit of good when the American Eagle spins into a 360-degree helix. You just let yourself get lost in the ride. Sometimes I keep my eyes open through the entire ride and scream. Other times I close my eyes, hold my breath and just want the ride to be over.

There are parts of the ride I admire. It’s dope to me that it took 9,000 gallons of paint by hand to get it to the red, white and blue force we recognize. It’s fascinating to learn that it’s the “world’s largest double-racing wooden roller coaster.” Still, there are so many other options in this amusement park, but I keep heading toward the nuttiest one.

I loved that ride. It was my go-to for years. That is, until a couple I know got on the ride with me one year. Although the boyfriend was fully aware that his girlfriend was terrified of heights, he forced her to get on. She wrestled with him and tried to get off, but he kept her firmly in her seat. She bawled through the entire ride, even when it stopped. She was still crying even when we got off the ride while he was laughing at her being scared. When we got to the water rides, he put her in front of him to make sure she got drenched. The entire day, he was torturing the f—k out of his girlfriend, but she oddly begged her niece (who was with us) not to tell on him.

He ruined my entire day at the amusement park, although she tried to fake smile about it later. To this day, I can’t wrap my mind around how a man could be so happy while making his lady so unhappy. I never looked at him the same.

That one day in the theme park with that couple is exactly how I feel watching “Crazy In Love” and any interview where Chrisean Rock talks about loving Blueface. Although there are cool parts during her interviews and on social media (ex. watch her play football), I usually end up either angry or uncomfortable while watching her talk about Blueface.

Recommended Read: “Blueface and Chrisean Rock are the car crash I won’t look away from ~ My own volatile relationships keep making me hope Chrisean walks away”

Because I don’t have any sisters and grew up hanging with a bunch of boys on my block, I’m generally a “guy’s girl.” That is, until I see a woman in trouble. Then, I become a very protective “girl’s girl.” That doesn’t mean I’m cool with every woman I meet, but I generally want to see women win. (Give or take a few — and a few more.)

I think Chrisean is pretty and funny and, behind all that crazy laughing and inability to sit still in a seat, there are these notable moments of intelligence and maturity when she speaks. But she still reminds me of the girl at the amusement park, trying to act like she’s not traumatized solely to please her boyfriend.

What I didn’t expect in a million years was for her to give better relationship advice than former NFL quarterback Cam Newton during his “Funky Friday” podcast.

“It’s like a book of laws for n—gas, and I just don’t like that motherf—king book,” Chrisean Rock said at one point during the interview.

Say it louder, sis, for the dense dudes in the back.

Outside of Cam Newton giving her some not-so-subtle and very useful advice against domestic violence, the entire rest of their conversation about dating and relationships consisted of me agreeing with a woman who has seven tattoos of a man I wish she would permanently get rid of. I found myself writing down quotes regarding her take on monogamy.

Buckle up. The ride is about to start.

Throughout the entire podcast episode, this 34-year-old man justified cheating on his girlfriend over and over and over again. But when he was asked how he’d react to her cheating on him, he said — with a straight face — that he would ask, “How did we get here?”

A fully grown man putting his lady’s physical health in danger while complaining about his own mental health is disturbing. There’s absolutely positively no way he doesn’t know he could make better decisions before the ride starts moving.

SOMEBODY GET HER OFF this ride!

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