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I’m obsessed with Cindy Crawford’s real estate, and if you’re not sure what I’m talking about, allow me to now make you feel poor.

Hobbyist real estate Zillowers can do worse than Google “cindy crawford houses.” She seems to buy and sell totally magnificent homes like a Gen Z with used clothes on Depop. Even fashion newspaper Women’s Wear Daily also seems mesmerized by Crawford’s Love It or List It-flavored life, posting a totally unnecessary slideshow of one of her Malibu “investment properties” back in 2017. They reported at the time that Crawford had lowered the price by $10 million to $50 million, and:

The couple and George Clooney and his wife, Amal, also sold a pair of vacation homes they developed together in Mexico’s Los Cabos on the southern tip of Mexico’s Baja peninsula for $100 million in 2016.

Recall that George Clooney’s Casamigos tequila is the one started with Crawford’s husband Rande Gerber, and was sold to Diageo for $700 million to $1 billion in 2017. You can see that discarded Baja home in a 2016 Architectural Digest feature. It’s stunning but frankly kind of office-y — way too many corners. The story was surely placed to help sell both it and Casamigos. (Gerber: “Long before the houses were built, we would travel to Baja together, staying at different hotels and drinking tequila.” ORLY?)

Crawford is serious about home ownership. We know this because AD wrote in 2017 that she in fact has a “portfolio of three homes.” She is a paid influencer in the exciting and complex world of countertops for a company called Cosentino, which apparently “produces and distributes high value innovative surfaces for the world of design and architecture.” Here is an important photo of Crawford signing a surface at another Cosentino event in Chicago.

Now, Crawford may be waking up like this in 2021:

But she wasn’t born into this. She told AD in 2017:

When I grew up, we didn’t have decorators, and I just wasn’t exposed to true interior style. Once I got my first apartment, I remember I bought one of those sofas from Jennifer Convertibles, where you could pick your own fabric, and I thought that was design.

Here she is talking about her houses with AD again in 2018, in an interview given at an L.A. event for Cosentino surfaces, when we weren’t in a pandemic and were inclined to gather and allow our breath particles to mingle for that sort of thing. You know how you might be with your kids at a bakery and they ask for something silly that no one needs, like a cake pop? And maybe you acquiesce because, why not, it’s the weekend, and it’s just a cake pop? Well, when you’re Cindy Crawford, that’s how you can be about houses:

AD: How many houses do you have right now?

CC: Right now we have three. We have our main house, in Malibu, which we've had for 15 years, and we have a lake cottage in Canada, which is on the East Coast, outside of Toronto. It's very Ralph Lauren. That's what my husband and I both wanted. We both grew up going to lakes in the summer. He went to summer camp, I just went with my family, but we wanted that experience for our kids. And so we wanted it to feel like almost like a log cabin camp vibe.

Then, we just bought a house last year in Beverly Hills, because our kids were getting older. Malibu's great when they're little, but they're starting to be like, "It's so boring here, we wanna be in town." So we got that house.

Crawford sold that house earlier this year for $13.5 million.

But let’s be honest — none of these compare to her Malibu flagship home, so stunning that admirers like me (and soon: you) surely make it feel like it’s the only house in the world. It has a dramatic outdoor staircase for spilling her and her gorgeous offspring onto the beach at their every whim. If you thought those Big Little Lies houses were great, I am prepared to take the bold stance that those are far inferior to the Crawford/Gerber dwelling funded by physical beauty, George Clooney-flavored tequila, and Omega watches.

I’m sorry to suggest you watch a YouTube video, but Vogue’s episode of 73 Questions with Crawford from 2017 will give you an idea of what it’s really like in there:

“How’s Malibu life treating you right now?” 73 Questions voice Joe Sabia asks. “It’s heavenly,” said Crawford, confirming the obvious. She has a set of glass double-doors open, and the ocean in the background sounds just flawless, like a white noise machine.

Then she walks outside carrying a tray with a silver carafe with a tight-fitting basket around it, like a little carafe sweater (there must be a name for this item but I am sitting in my home office staring at my Jennifer Convertibles fold-out couch hence I obviously am not going to be the one to conjure it). We then behold the stunning outdoor patio space set against a turquoise sea and a large equally turquoise pool one level below. Crawford sits down on a blue outdoor cushion that appears to have never born anyone’s weight and Sabia asks, “What’s the first thing you do when you get home from set?” And Crawford says, like this is a thing people just say, “I wash my face and I take a jacuzzi.”

She walks back into the house and we notice the trees set about in enormous pots, because this home in Malibu, where the cost of living is nearly 400 percent higher than the national average, is so spacious that it can accommodate a multitude of enormous pots, one of which would not fit anywhere in your house or mine. Yet, nothing here is ostentatious, even if everything is so luxurious and perfect that the sum of this house’s parts make it so.

The vibes of Crawford’s house can be observed regularly on Instagram. Here she is on what appears to be her lawn, kicking off Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

And here she is in a hammock on what may be the very same lawn, channeling her “inner #SUNSHINEGIRL.”

Do you remember what you were doing in mid-August? Because this is what Cindy Crawford was doing:

Recreational activities chez Crawford also include gardening:

And you know how when you get up, you’re like, “Shit, I have to hurry out the door so I can get coffee on the way to work, where I will sit beneath fluorescent lighting that no social media filter can correct, and Slack with people I dislike all day”? Cindy Crawford gets to do this (click to watch video of coffee prep and more patio porn):

If you’re wondering how the pandemic changed life here, AD is here again to inform us. From a September, 2021 interview (can you guess what she was promoting this time?):

Since you have been spending more time at home this year, did you make any upgrades?

Those first three weeks I did mad closet organizing. Remember when we thought we were only going to be home for three weeks? But the big thing that we did was add a pickleball court. We live in Malibu, so we had room for that.

A pickleball court is 20 by 44 feet, or “the same size as a doubles badminton court.” I’m guessing most people here understand this but to be clear, Crawford did not have room for her pickleball court because she lives in Malibu, where a 9,793-square-foot house on a 1-acre lot is listed for $27.5 million. She has a pickleball court because she is Cindy Crawford, so she CAN have room for that. What else can AD inform us about Crawford’s pandemic?

Did you get the itch to buy new property while we were all stuck at home?

We are just finishing a house in Cabo; we had sold our Ricardo Legorreta house there several years ago. So, we kind of took a break [from Mexico], but then we were building during the pandemic, which was challenging because we weren’t able to get there as much as we would normally like to check on how things were progressing, or not progressing, as was the case sometimes. So, that’s been our focus. I think my husband and I have the real estate sickness. It has to stop because every single place we go, we look at real estate. But it’s fun and I love getting an education, and I don’t think that will ever stop.

I have “the real estate sickness,” too, only mine is concentrated on Crawford’s particular home. This Christmas, I would like Santa to, instead of dropping things off at my house, pick me up, put me in a big velvet sack, and fly me to Crawford’s Malibu house, where I will gladly pick all of her tomatoes, break in all of her cushions, and mix her packets of cocoa powder into her coffee. I promise to both leave all my Jennifer Convertibles lint behind and channel my inner #SUNSHINEGIRL.

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