PicoBlog

There are a few that I am not trying yet because four apps is already a lot. Let me tell you about how I got to four apps, what I think about them, and some general takeaways.

I first began on okc (ok cupid) because I was part of a very large local facebook group on dating, and when I asked about dating as a non-monogamous person, okc was the first app that they had recommended, and bumble was the runner-up.

Okc was matching me with a lot of people that were very politically aligned but very far off from what I wanted physically. I find myself to have become quite the superficial asshole on these apps because I watch myself choosing someone who is 6’5” over someone who is 5’6”. It’s like, I’m not trying to be an asshole, but if the information is available, I am going to act on that information. You know what I mean? 😂

But for the first couple weeks on okc, I did not go on any dates because the concept of dating felt soooooooooo weird and foreign to me. Mind you, I had never dated seriously before Dan.

I was on Match for a hot second over 10 years ago, but even that experience was not memorable because I didn’t know what I was doing. The only thing I do remember is that I went on a date with a pretty decent guy and I told him I cannot have even one drink because I thought I was gonna get pulled over if I did. (I had just gotten my license, and I was afraid of the world then in more ways than I could count.)

So I just had this spiraling fear that I was going to botch every date I went on.

It was only after I met Mr. Android about two months ago that I felt like dating felt possible for me. Someone actually liked me and how fucked up I was. What???

My connection with him had stirred up this sense of adventure and confidence to just meet a bunch of people and see what happens. And when okc seemed like a sea of duds, I downloaded bumble and started rage-swiping when Mr. Android was not available to meet for whatever reason.

The first few dates were not that great. Meaning, they were into me, but I was not into them. So even though they were not the best dates, and there was a part of me that felt a little discouraged, it also instilled even more confidence that I could find someone among all these people that liked me.

So I became more discerning about who I swiped on and asked more questions around what I wanted to know. Primarily, I was frank about what was on my mind and wasn’t afraid to disappoint them in the chat because it was better to disappoint them now than to disappoint them when we met.

I had created a pretty well-oiled system for meeting people that I actually liked, which were mostly easy to sustain because I was transparent about my values and lifestyle, and I also had no expectations around how they showed up to the relationship. The vast majority of them had zero issues with my outspokenness and my sluthood. I was pleasantly very surprised.

That’s the short story of how my dating’s been going over the past couple months, so let me share my reviews of the apps so far. Here are my ratings out of 5 stars.

(By the way, these are simply my experiences. Other people have had different experiences on different apps. Dan, for example, has had an entirely different experience on these apps.)

ok cupid ⭐⭐

The way okc works is that you fill out LOTS of forms and answer LOTS of questions around what you are looking for. Just the basic info shows up for immediate public view, and there is a whole other page for the million yes/no questions to evaluate compatibility. Here is what my profile looks like (yes/no questions not shown here because they are so fucking long):

[I put in a brief job description in there but I did not like the way I had to talk about my lawyer job in any capacity (only because it was very boring to talk about careers in any way), so as you’ll see in my future dating profiles, I no longer put anything down about my lawyer job or whatever it is that I do for a living.]

Okc is good for those who want to prioritize values and politics above everything else. There were times when I found the information on each profile a bit overwhelming, which means that I had more information to make snap judgments about who they were as a person, which kept me from actually talking to them.

I think the biggest part of getting to know someone is the messaging function within the app. Maybe it was just me, but I felt like the messaging was a bit slower and clunky, which made it a bit more challenging for me to build that connection. I found two connections on here that I ended up meeting and had a great time but ended up going in different directions.

I don’t remember how many likes I got in the first few days, but I remember having a steady 150 towards the end of the three months I was there. I paid $89.99 for the three months I was on there. It actually just expired today, and I don’t see myself dying to go back.

bumble ⭐⭐⭐

The way bumble works is very basic: you write an intro, fill out some basic info, and respond to some prompts. It is very image-heavy, and there are a lot of gaps that we have to fill through conversation once we match. Here’s my profile:

[Clipped the images because I didn’t have space, and you get the point.]

Bumble was where I got to talking with a lot of people because this is where I really got to see the superficial side of me. I got about 200+ matches in the first few days, and I just had to sit for a second and calm down my ego. For the first few days, I did not go on dates because I was still kind of overwhelmed by the number of people I had to look at, and I was still operating under the programming that I needed to connect with one person at a time.

When I was talking to one of my besties who has been practicing for a while, she said something brilliant along the lines of, “If you get on there thinking you’ll find at least one, you’ll find someone.” That is when I started going on with the explicit intention of finding someone, and that’s when I started giving people a chance. Because even though the first few dates weren’t that great, it gave me so much information around what I was actually looking for.

I had about 20-ish conversations, went on a date with about 8 of them, 3 of which I still talk to. I have another couple that I am talking to that I have not yet met in person.

I paid $59.99 for the first month, and then after a few days when one of my dates canceled on me, I got drunk and upset and got the lifetime membership for $279.99. 😂 I kind of regret this decision because bumble seems to boost (e.g., get my profile in front of more eyeballs; some companies charge for this) my profile right after I leave to entice me to purchase a subscription so that I can see who liked me. This means that if I have lifetime membership, I need to manually boost my profile when I want the boost. But I guess that is not the worst thing because I get to choose when I want to boost my profile.

Hinge ⭐⭐⭐⭐

The way Hinge works is that you have a variety of ways to compose your profile. You can answer prompts, make a poll, record a voice note, etc. There are a lot of ways to show your personality, which is a great way to filter out people who are not aligned with your values and politics in a fun way. Here’s my profile:

What I love about Hinge is that I don’t find the need to get a subscription because the primary reason I want to pay for a subscription is to see who likes me, but Hinge lets me see that even if I don’t pay.

So I just let the likes roll in, and I get to decide if I like them or not without paying. What I like to pay Hinge for is the 24 hour boost that I get for $19.99, which gets me about 10x more likes, which means more options for me to choose. What I have typically found is that the boost here has been the most effective because people react to my profile based on not just the photos but also the substantive information about what I care about. I purchase this boost whenever I really want a date in the next couple of days.

And, on Hinge, they have this weird ass algorithm where they recommend the same ethnicity of people that you’ve already matched with. So one of the first matches I had was South Asian, and literally every single person on the queue was South Asian. I was like, um, that’s just weird. 😂

Which is why I just let the likes roll in and pick from there. And it’s just easier to converse with people who already like me. I’ve only been on it for about a week, talked with 5 people, met up with 2, and I am still talking to those 2.

Hinge did not have a function where I could see how many people liked me, and that was fine because they were very far and few in between anyway. Maybe like 3-4 likes/comments a day without a boost, and with a boost, maybe about 20-25 likes within the 24 hour period. But like I said, because people put in more thought into their profiles and their comments on my profile, I have found that the people who like me have higher chances of being compatible with me.

Feeld ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Feeld is unique in that it is specifically geared toward people who venture away from the traditional or typical sexual and relationship orientation. Being non-monogamous is much more the norm, and there is a lot of frank display around our sexual preferences and kinks. I actually got on here the very first day I declared my polyamory, and I deleted it within the hour because the number of dick pics were overwhelming (even though they were censored). 😂 Only after I had some dating experience under my belt did I feel comfortable signing back on. Here’s my profile:

As you can see, there is a lot of overlap between my profiles. I mean, why re-invent the wheel?

Anyway, I got on Feeld because the other apps started drying up, and I was feeling lonely. 😂 The number of likes you get on Feeld is very consistent and overwhelming because we get to be more open about our sexuality (whereas in other apps, guys are expected to suppress their sexual desires a bit more). I probably got about 150 likes within the first 12 hours, and it has been a consistent 30 likes each day.

There is a LOT of wading through the likes, and I focus on how much thought they put into their profile before I match with them. I keep around the ones in the queue (instead of liking them back) that are cute but don’t have a lot of words on the profile just in case I get super bored and really want to talk to someone. 😂

Once you get to the ones that you feel like you can connect with, they are very human beings who are just more honest about the way they talk about sex and relationships. I have found them to be less “desperate” because they can just express their sexuality here without being shamed for it. Ironic but also makes sense.

Feeld is also pretty new for me, but I had 4 conversations on here, met with 2 of them. I had really great chemistry with one, and I decided to be friends with the other. Like, actual friends because he was a really cool dude that I wanted to hang out with, just not in a romantic capacity.

My takeaways so far

1- When you are not getting what you want from the person you’re talking to, find out what you want and communicate that (if you want) until you get what you want from them. Do you want to know how many partners they’ve had? Ask that. Do you want to know if they are lying on their profile? Ask that. If they cannot handle your questions, chances of sustainability are extremely low.

2- The more expectations you have, the more dreadful dating becomes. When you have expectations, the chances of disappointment go up. The more we experience disappointment, the more labor we need to put in to manage those experiences.

3- There will always be more where they came from. Like my bestie said, when you decide to find at least one person, you will find one. And if you decide to find two, you will find two. And so on. 😂

4- Because human beings are imperfect, every date tells you more about what you want and what you don’t want. Dating is simply an information gathering process, and it is the most fun form of data collection if you ask me.

5- When I talk about what you want and don’t want, I am not talking about things that are “right” or “wrong” in a partner. I am talking about categorizing your desires into the following buckets: what really gets you going, what you are willing to tolerate if you get what you really want, and what you are unwilling and unavailable for no matter what. AND being prepared to be surprised at how much you are flexible on all those things when you find someone that you just really like for inexplicable reasons.

6- It is okay to want sex, and it is okay to not want sex. What matters is what you want, and that’s it. It is not possible for people to “take advantage” of you if you know what you want and you’re getting what you want.

7- It doesn’t matter if you are looking for non-monogamous people or monogamous people. The grass will always be greener, and there will nevertheless always be some green on your own side.

I am sure I am missing something. If you have questions, ask me! Either comment here, DM me on Instagram or LinkedIn, or send me an email angela@angela-han.com.

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And of course, if you want to make dating less dreadful than it is right now, I’m your girl. Holy shit, we’re gonna have so much fun. Learn how to work with me: angela-han.com.

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