PicoBlog

If you don’t already know that my results this year were subpar, 1. You’re a fake fan, and 2. Go back and read my recap of this year. As a result, my ranking has dropped a bit and I’m now at risk of dropping out of the top 100😱. It hurts my soul to think it let alone broadcast it to everyone reading this. And I’m not trying to be a brat, it’s just disappointing when you ended the year worse off than when you started it. And falling below a benchmark you set for yourself and achieved three years ago just adds salt to the wound.

I was talking to my sports psychologist about my fear of dropping and how I was scared I would start panicking and “lose the plot”. While I don’t want to worry about something that hasn’t happened yet, I also don’t want to be in denial. I tend to time travel and get lost in the past or hypothetical future, so it’s important for me to find ways to stay in the present. She came up with the idea to write to my future self, if the terrible, horrible, no good very bad day were to arrive. This way it would help me face that possibility with a plan instead of worrying about how I’d react or other what-ifs.

And of course I have to share it with you because I love being vulnerable.

Dear Future Self,

I hope you don’t have to read this, but if you do, know that you’re still the same person no matter what the number is. It’s easier said than done, and I’m not trying to preach to you. I’m here to remind you that you’re more than a ranking or a result or even your tennis career. Your self worth isn’t tied to just those things. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be hurt, or embarrassed, or devastated or whatever it is you feel. Make sure to take the time to sit in those emotions, don’t discard them. But when it’s time, remember that you have the ability to figure it out.

I know it doesn’t help to hear, but each time you have a hardship, you’ve found a way out. It’s not pretty and it’s definitely not easy, but you’ve always learned more about yourself and taken steps in the right direction. Keep reminding yourself to focus on your needs and your path. It’s easy to compare to others, but once you start it’s hard to bring your attention back.

You don’t have to believe or fully trust yourself, I know the second-guessing will start to come up. However, make sure you and your team are on the same page. Be diligent about moving forward and trying to improve. I know you won’t want to, but having a goal to try and reach will help. No matter if you feel like you belong or not, keep doing what you can.

I’m sorry you’re in this position. I’m sorry you’re doubting yourself and your worth. You have your team and friends and family no matter where you are. Don’t be afraid to lean on them, help is never bad. Keep journaling and writing and painting. If the tennis isn’t making you happy make sure you do something that does.

I’m sending you many many hugs and tissues.

While the things I wrote are specific to me, I think this exercise is useful for many situations. It’s always a good reminder that the results don’t make you who you are. I’m really scared of this potential future. But writing this has given me a little more peace than before.

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