DEFCON-3 HANGOVER PROTOCOL - by Kimberly Harrington
One night, a couple months ago, I went out. We had drinks before the thing, a couple drinks after the thing, then we all went out after the going out. I was in that happy vibe-y place where I felt invincible even though I knew full well I was going to wish for sweet, sweet death as soon as I opened my eyes the next morning.
Dear ones, dear reader, my loves: The next morning was indeed real fucking terrible. I invoked my DEFCON-3 HANGOVER PROTOCOL, a thing which I made up and have formalized and perfected over the past couple of years. It’s built on a lifetime of mistakes, trial-and-error, some real science as well as some fuzzy science. I felt fully functional for the rest of the day. I worked, I ran actual errands, I didn’t even nap, and I went to bed at a normal time. As my holiday gift to you, I’m sharing it here.
But first, I realized I didn’t know what DEFCON-3 actually meant. Those youngsters over at the the military do love an acronym! Anyway this is what DEFCON means, and that first paragraph tracks.
The below confirms that 3 is indeed the appropriate level for this protocol. In that first graf substitute “war” for “death.” In the second graf think of “increased readiness posture” as another way of saying “a glass of water ain’t gonna help you now, brother.” I do like Round House, let’s keep that as is, since a bad hangover really is like a kick to the nose bridge.
That last graf above? Think of it this way instead: “DEFCON 3 HANGOVER PROTOCOL primarily [means] [the day can’t be] canceled, [all available brain cells are] ordered to return to their units and preparations [are] made to move [your carcass through the day] if necessary.”
At this point you might be thinking: Or you could just not drink?! And at the point you’re thinking that, I am thinking: Literally shut up.
It’s important to note that this protocol is a Break Glass In Case of Emergency protocol. Oh you had a couple of glasses of wine and woke up with a headache? Hey man, have you thought about just not drinking?! No, this if for those times, these holiday times, where you need professional help but like from a professional who is not medical. Just someone in another profession.
Let’s do this! Prep now! Get your supplies in order! I’ve got a 7-step program for you that will change your life! Maybe! And don’t forget to scroll all the way down for three VERY GOOD holiday playlists!
Step 1: DO NOT LINGER
This is crucial. And it was the mistake I was making most often. You wake up, you feel bad, you fall back asleep, wake up again, linger in bed on your phone, by the time you actually get out of bed that hangover has gelled, honey. It has its hooks in you and it ain’t gonna let go anytime soon. So: The minute you wake up (and feel confident you could actually be getting up for the day) just get the hell out of bed. Do it now.
Step 2: PUT COFFEE ON
Immediately start coffee. For now you only need to brew one cup. As we all know, coffee is a dicey, dicey business with a hangover. Consider this a medicinal dose. Not a coffee drinker? I can’t help you. Tea? What is this, The Crown?
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