PicoBlog

Hello, my beautiful clowns!

Hope you’re having a stellar start to your week, because you’re the best and I love you all.

I was at the grocery store the other day when I found a few new products on the shelf that I hadn’t seen before.

They were miniature Doritos that came in the same cardboard canisters as Pringles chips, simply labeled “Doritos Minis.” I thought the baby Doritos were cute, so I absentmindedly took a photo of them and posted it to my Instagram stories without thinking about it too much. I bought the few groceries we needed and left the store (sans Doritos Minis) and by the time I got home, I discovered I had a barrage of messages.

“Are those any good?!” asked about a million people.

Everyone was disappointed when I responded that I hadn’t gotten them. I mean, they just appeared to be Very Small Doritos, which probably taste exactly like Regular Size Doritos.

A few days later, I begrudgingly went back to the store and bought some. When I returned home, the gang was pleased I’d bought snacks that were apparently made with them in mind. Then they excitedly asked me to take a photo of them and post it to the newsletter.

But while I was there, I discovered that there was also a version of Cheetos Minis right next to them in the display.

Tiny chips are one thing, but mini Cheeto balls (my nickname in college, har har) seemed too adorable to pass up. So I tossed a few in my basket and bought them too.

I poured some on a plate to examine them a little more closely.

They were pretty small. I’d say each one was about half the size of one of those cheese balls you get in the enormous plastic tubs. Then I snacked on a few and immediately got a little bit of orange dust on Harvey, who got mad at me. Yup, those were Cheetos, all right, but the puffy kind, not the crunchy squiggles.

Weirdly, the tiny form factor did matter, because the cheese coating flavor was very intense. I’m guessing it’s due to the maximized surface area per Cheeto ball exposed to the inside your mouth. I briefly considered shoving the entire can up my ass.

But then I thought to myself, “Dannis Ree, you are the greatest food writer in all of history. Your unparalleled creativity in the kitchen is coveted by chefs across the globe. What could you do with these funny little Cheeto balls that fits your cool-guy lifestyle?”

I mean, I could try eating them like a bowl of cereal?

Wait, this is my newsletter. Why am I asking you?

I figured an actual cereal-size comparison would be a good idea, so I whipped out some Reese’s Puffs that I also got from the store.

This box displayed the two ominous words “Ambush Universe” on the front, with no real explanation as to what that meant. That’s pretty terrifying. I’ve never felt threatened by a cereal box before.

The Cheetos Minis weren’t much bigger than a sugary threatening Reese’s Puff, so maybe treating them as cereal bits wasn’t that big of a stretch.

I poured myself a full bowl of Cheetos Minis as the gang looked on.

In terms of cereal, I wouldn’t say this is exactly a cost-effective breakfast. One regular cereal bowl’s worth was close to an entire canister’s worth of Cheeto Minis. Then I took a look at how much sodium was in an entire can, and damn, it had about 50% of your daily recommended intake of salt. What a way to start your day!

Speaking of good health, I poured a bunch of whole milk into the bowl, excited about how the lactose would make me fart a bunch later.

(Sorry, Davida.)

I’m one of those people who prefers cereal a little more crunchy than soggy, so I immediately dug in.

And you know what? Turns out Cheetos as a cereal is culinarily a solid idea, especially for someone like me, since I prefer salty versus sweet. The presence of the milk had sort of a negating effect to all that sodium, and suddenly, I wished teenage me was there to experience all this glory.

Man, if I could go back in time and tell 15-year-old Dannis that a 41-year-old version of himself would eventually be standing around in his kitchen eating a bowl of Cheetos and milk, to document the experience for people who he’d eventually address as clowns for no apparent reason, that would be something.

The real test was when it came to the milk.

I let the cereal sit for around 10 minutes, mixing it on occasion, to get as much flavor into the milk as possible. The milk eventually turned a light shade of orange sherbet with little greasy spots floating on top, and a spoonful yielded the flavor of the dregs of a bowl of Kraft Dinner. (I’ll have to remember this for a flavor of dumb ice cream for later this summer.)

But the most surprising thing was that the Cheeto Minis never quite got soggy, which was really impressive. This is some Willy Wonka shit. The center of each little ball stayed fresh and crisp, which I’m sure means something scientifically. I’m just not sure what.

Just for feces and laughter (aka shits and giggles), I combined a bowl of Cheetos Minis with a bunch of Reese’s Puffs to see how that would fare.

This ended up being a pretty great combination (I’d probably stick to mostly Reese’s with a scattering of Cheeto’s Minis next time).

If I were a stoner, I’m sure I’d be jumping for joy at this combination. It was a pretty good mixture of salty and sweet; there’s this weird blend of popcorn we have here in Chicago which we colloquially call “Chicago Mix” that blends cheddar cheese and caramel popcorn together. It sounds fucking dumb at first, but honestly, it’s such an oddly good pairing that eventually you succumb to liking it.

That’s sort of how this Reese’s and Cheetos mix worked. Salty, sweet, and stupid. Color me impressed. Also color me completely orange, considering how many Cheetos I’d consumed in one sitting.

As to the Doritos Minis, I have a plan for them, so don’t worry (don’t forget to upgrade your subscriptions, everyone). I have this theory that Doritos will make some pretty good grits, so sign yourselves up and stick around for later this week.

No, Frito Lay did not in fact sponsor this edition of the newsletter. Some of your fellow readers did. If you enjoyed Food is Stupid today, please do me a huge favor and share it on social media or forward it to pretty much all the turds you know, because I’m always looking for someone else’s day to ruin:

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And of course, like I mentioned, don’t put off upgrading your subscription to the newsletter.

Later this week I’ll be experimenting with whether or not Doritos can make a good base for grits, which is some French Laundry level shit. That piece will be available to an elite group (aka paid subscribers), so be sure to sign up sooner than later.

Plus, that nets you extra editions almost every week, along with full access to the Food is Stupid archives, which is about three and a half years of documented sheer culinary mayhem.

As always, I love you all, and I’ll hop into some of your inboxes later this week. I need to drink a gallon of water to flush all this salt out of my system.

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