Every Song On Licensed To Ill, Ranked
Note: I forgot to mention it, but this is now the FOURTH year of Dang Dude, What the Heck?! That’s pretty wild. It’s the longest continuing project I’ve ever worked on. I just want to thank everyone for coming along for the ride, and a special shout out to those who financially support(ed) this little newsletter. Here’s to a bunch more years. Maybe one of these days I’ll go viral.
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The Beastie Boys’ seminal album Licensed to Ill is the first record I ever purchased from iTunes. I had figured out how to turn off the “Explicit” label on the storefront so my parents couldn’t object. Sorry, Mom and Dad. Ben Adams, one of my childhood best friends, had played them for me on an earlier visit and I wanted to get that album. I immediately became a life-long fan of the Beastie Boys.
Released in 1986, License to Ill is an odd album for a 13-year-old kid to buy in 2003. It’s firmly steeped in the 80s and sounded nothing like anything coming out in the 2000s. I was an odd kid though, so it made sense in a
way. I listened to that album almost non-stop for the next year. For a while, I had every song memorized. I can still rap most of it, though I’m no longer word-perfect. In a lot of ways, it’s a perfect album for a particular type of 13-year-old boy. It’s snotty, brash, and there are lots of stupid jokes. Lots of stupid jokes. Most of all though it’s clear that the Boys themselves, Ad-Rock, MCA (RIP), and Mike D, are having one hell of a great time making this album. In the end, that’s what drew me to this album the most. It’s clear that pretty much everyone involved in making this album is having a great time.
Now to be clear, the lyrics in this album aren’t without their problems. The Beastie Boys themselves largely moved away from it in later years, and wouldn’t really play any songs from it at their shows. That’s the right move. So, I don’t fault anyone for not caring to listen to it. Also, it really does sound like its from 1986, so I very much understand if you don’t like that. Nevertheless, it’s still a pretty influential album, both for me and for rap in general. It became the first rap album to reach the top of the Billboard Charts and helped make Rick Rubin into a star. So here are all the songs on Licensed to Ill, ranked.
13. Slow and Low
Honestly, this is the only dud on the album. The brushed snare beat, paired with what I think is a glockenspiel is nothing to write home about. There are just one too many lyrics about White Castle, and the chorus gets repeated way too often. A lot of the time the song is just allowed to play out without any lyrics behind it. After the earlier highs of the album, this one just falls a little flat.
12. Time to Get Ill
The final song on the album, really goes into the sampling, giving a glimpse into what the Beastie Boys would do on their classic Paul’s Boutique. It doesn’t fully work as a song though, relying too much on the samples to provide the lyrical content for my taste. At times the incessant sampling doesn’t flow, giving the song a more start-and-stop vibe rather than turning it into a cohesive whole. What rapping there is comes through as a little frantic as well. Not bad, but not great.
11. She’s Crafty
This beat is basically the ur-Licensed to Ill beat. The beat that every Licensed to Ill song must be stacked against. Lyrically it’s pretty stupid, the central tenet is really only saved by the self-deprecating nature of the last verse. There are more than a few vocal tics/pronunciations that make it listenable though. The boys are having fun here with their rapping and it shows.
10. Hold It Now, Hit It
This is a weird song, but in a good way. Everything seems just a little offbeat, but it still holds together. I don’t have enough music theory in my repertoire to know exactly why it’s that way, but it certainly is. There are also some pretty fun samples in here. Really gives the producers/DJs a chance to shine, which they do.
9. Slow Ride
This song has horns in the beat, so I automatically love it. It’s not an all-time classic, but it still rocks. There’s some beat flipping in this song, as well as some fun percussion sounds including some sort of djembe or something at parts. They also talk about smoking “dust” a lot in this album. I really thought I was getting away with a felony listening to this song in my parent’s house.
8. The New Style
“I got more juice than Picasso got paint.” That’s right MCA, Picasso had a lot of paint. This formulation “I’ve got more [X] than [Y] has [Z]” would become somewhat of a trope for the Beastie Boys over their career. Honestly, it works. It’s a great brag line. The New Style, the second track on Licensed to Ill is full of stuff like this. There’s also a mid-song beat change, foreshadowing a trend that producers/rappers like Kanye West would revive in the 2010s.
7. Posse in Effect
One of the more overlooked songs on License to Ill, Posse in Effect deserves some recognition. There is no chorus in Posse in Effect, just five verses, and a small bridge, which is a bold move. A bold move that pays off. Some classic Beasties Boys rhymes in here, as well as a wild pronunciation of “mustard” from Ad-Rock. When I say wild, I mean WILD.
6. Brass Monkey
This part of the list is where we start getting into the hits, the ones that put the Beastie Boys on the map. Brass Monkey is one of those songs. Despite coming near the end of the album, Brass Monkey still shines, mostly do its odd time signature and funky drums. A busy shuffle beat that stays interesting but never overwhelms the song, really holds the track together. The song takes the form of an ode to a cocktail made from rum, vodka, and orange juice, which sounds disgusting, but whatever. I certainly wanted to drink one when I was thirteen.
5. Girls
If I had made this list when I was thirteen, I would have placed this song at the top of the list. It’s a throw-away song that took on a life of its own. Lizzo recently sampled it on her newest album, and it’s remained in the cultural zeitgeist since its release. A simple marimba line and some very stupid rhymes make up the entirety of this song. It only lasts about 2 minutes, which is good because any more would be grating. Some friends and I once made one of our dads drive around the block three times so we could finish listening to this song. Thanks for that Tom!
4. Rhymin & Stealin’
If you and your friends haven’t shouted “Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves” over and over again until you’re delirious then you haven’t really lived. This track kicks off the album with a gut punch. The Beastie Boys are in full pirate mode, rapping about how they “drink and rob and rhyme and pillage.” It’s great stuff. There’s also a great Clash sample. Man, this song just goes.
3. Paul Revere
A story rap, this song purportedly tells the story of how the Beastie Boys became a group. Of course, that’s bullshit, as the story told in this song is taken straight out of some discarded spaghetti Western. It’s probably a little controversial to put this song so high. How much you like this song really depends on how much you like the Boys’ rapping. The beat is nothing to speak of. I happen to think it’s a fun song that showcases the group’s chemistry.
2. Fight For Your Right
This song is great. Wow. An absolute smash. This one hits home because you really do need to fight for your right to party sometimes. A teen anthem. What kid hasn’t daydreamed of telling off their parents and teachers while this song plays in the background? Wow.
1. No Sleep till Brooklyn
You’ve heard this song. You know how good it is. I shouldn’t have to say anything more than that. The guitars in this just absolutely go, the RUN-DMC drums kick, and the yell-rapping just brings it all home. An all-around hit. The Slayer guitarist did the guitar solo so you can’t really say anything bad about this song.
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