Every Tongue That Rises Against Club Chalamet Shall Fall

This week on Hung Up: A Tortured Poets Department head meeting. I also talked ‘Tortured Poets’ on the amazing podcast Pop Pantheon. And I was onstage in Chicago for an event with Joanna Godard and Big Salad!

“Kylie Jenner is rumored to be pregnant, expecting a baby with Timothée Chalamet,” read a tweet on Tuesday from the viral news Twitter account “Pop Tingz.” I gasped mid-bite, in the middle of an otherwise totally normal lunch with a friend in a Brooklyn backyard. I threw back my head and laughed. “If it is to be said, so it be — so it is” was my very first thought. My second was: “Club Chalamet will not stand for this.”

The Twitter accounts PopCrave and PopBase are equally matched rivals locked in an eternal struggle, like Spotify users and people who tweet through not getting a Spotify Wrapped, Katie Couric and Diane Sawyer, Alison Roman and Molly Baz, Debra Messing and everyone. PopTingz is more amusing than they are reliable; they have been right exactly once. Their posts are usually thinly (or zero) sourced attention-grabbing. It is a non-serious non-publication. But the Timothée Chalamet fan account Club Chalamet is locked in an eternal battle with Kylie Jenner, a woman who Club Chalamet does not think Timothée Chalamet should be dating. “Timothée Chalamet is a 28-year-old man making 28 year-old man decisions about his life and we have to accept that,” Club Chalamet wrote after the couple went awards show official. All I could do was laugh.

It has not been a particularly long courtship. Through last spring and summer, Timothee Chalamet and Kylie Jenner were very publicly Doing It. Her car was papped at his house, his sister was spotted at Kylie’s house. They went to the US Open together and the Golden Globes together, and in between the couple weathered a pathetic Travis Scott diss and Selena Gomez and Keleigh Teller. Club Chalamet had a memorable meltdown over the mismatched love affair, and I genuflected before her passion: “We’ve never seen them even go to Olive Garden,” she said live in a Twitter Space. “He loves Italian food. Why not just go to Olive Garden, something like that?” She would not get got again. She tweeted idgaf gifs in reply:

Devoted Hung Up readers will recall that there is no normal way to be a stan, whether you are a resident of Gag City, Never Trust a Woman Avenue, or Mother Road. At least Club Chalamet is devoted to memorably posting through it.

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On IG she fired off a warning: “You know the fandom has been gravely affected by gossip when it loses its collective shit over planned gossip drops designed to focus the attention on someone else. I am so damn tired and disgusted in the blatant abuse and misappropriation of Timothée Chalamet's name and his character,” she wrote. “I have spent the last nearly 2 hours jokingly trying to calm people down, but it's still upsetting to see how so many people continue to fall prey to gossip lies and defy everything I have told them in the past 12 months or so. It's as if most fans are suffering from a group PTSD psychosis and become so scared, upset, and confused when lame tabloid gossip sites use a manipulated image of Timmy and that woman, and spread a new round of gossip. It's a game to them now and it's gone for too long.” I tested positive for none of those things. I was not scared, upset, or confused. If nobody got me, I know Club Chalamet got me.

“Kylie is not pregnant,” sources told Us Weekly on Thursday, adding that the two are still “talking” as Chalamet films the Bob Dylan movie. That same day, Jenner showed off her flat abdomen in a video posted to IG stories.

But what did Club Chalamet know and when did she know it? Nearly a week before Pop Tingz wicked fabrication, Club Chalamet reassured her membership that non-Kardashian days were ahead. “I don't know about you guys, but I'm very interested in April ending soon, and hopefully, a new chapter in Timmy's life will begin like a spring rain in May. It's been a very tough past 12 months for the fandom, and I'll even say it's been very challenging for Timothée too. Once the dust completely settles, I look forward to sharing my final thoughts so that this chapter can be permanently closed and that we can all move forward in this fandom community and continue to support Timmy,” she wrote on IG. “I sense he has been tugged by so many people and competing agendas that he has had to be two Timothée's to appease everyone.” If he is indeed living a double life as two Timothées, rest assured that one of them is not a Dadée.

Previous Club Chalamet diaries, as documented by Hung Up:

Filiberto Hargett

Update: 2024-12-02

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