PicoBlog

Hello! Hola! Bonjour! As you probably already know if you are one of the 14.8k people/bots who follow me on Instagram (and let’s face it…if you’re reading this newsletter you probably follow me on Instagram*), you’ll know that I recently returned from yet another luxury cruise, this time through Spain and France. I’ll be getting into all of that next week, which is fitting because we’re a little over a year since I first launched this newsletter with a recap of my trip to Spain.

(In case anyone is wondering, yes, I am deeply in debt. But I’m tan and well-traveled and that’s what counts.)

While I get the whole trip breakdown ready for you (aka get my disposable cameras developed), I want to take this week to discuss a little project I have been working on this summer that is well on its way to becoming my whole personality:

My kiddie pool garden.

Behold!

Yes, that’s right. I have grown a garden in a kiddie pool on my deck, and I need you all to know about it. Frankly, I need everyone to know about it, as anyone who spoke to me for even two seconds on the 4th of July can attest.

Because we do not gate-keep here at the Not Newsletter, I’m going to tell you exactly how you too can grow your own kiddie pool garden. We all need some kind of skill for the apocalypse. This is mine.

STEP 1: Purchase a kiddie pool

As I was prepping to grow my summer raised bed, I realized that pre-built raised beds are actually quite expensive. Too expensive, in my opinion, so I got creative. I thought to myself, “What other structure is roughly 2 feet deep, has a waterproof bottom, and drainage?” The answer - of course - is a kiddie pool! I bought this one off Amazon and voilá! My raised bed had been purchased for less than half the price.

Does anything feel better than getting a deal? I honestly do not think so.

STEP 2: Drill holes in the kiddie pool

Traditionally, kiddie pools come with one big spout on the side for letting out your sweaty child’s disgusting pee water. This, in my opinion, is not enough drainage. So in addition to leaving the pee water drain hole open, I busted out the drill and drilled a few holes in the sides and bottom of the structure. This does mean I will never be able to use the kiddie pool for its intended purpose, but I never wanted to do that anyway. If you can’t already tell, I find kiddie pools that are being used for their intended purpose to be kind of gross.**

STEP 3: Fill the kiddie pool with soil

This is actually the most expensive and labor-intensive step. It took four of these big-ass bags of soil plus this 4 pound bag of manure*** to fill the kiddie pool and, if I’m being honest, it probably could have used some more soil. If you’re planning to do deep-rooted plants or things that grow underground like carrots and onions you’ll probably need more. I, however, am impatient, so I decided to forego those plants and get started with my garden right away.

STEP 4: Make a garden plan.

This part is fun! First, you’re going to decide which types of plants you want to grow in your garden depending on soil depth, sun exposure, and general plant preferences then figure out how many of each plant you should plant per square foot. I cut a piece of cardboard to measure one square foot and used it to stamp out the square feet within my garden. You can buy a device on Amazon that will do this for you that also comes with little perfectly spaced seed holes, but that device costs $30 and I just couldn’t bring myself to make that purchase. If you can, no judgment, but like I said, I love a deal and there’s no deal better than free, so I went the cardboard route.

STEP 5: Plant your damn seeds!

Where you plant your seeds will also depend on what you’re planting and how much sun they need. I’ve found Pinterest to be very helpful for all of this, while my good friend Megan says she’s learned everything from TikTok. (I guess that makes me the elderly one.) Either way, definitely look into companion planting so you can get the most out of your garden. For example, basil and tomatoes grow well together and will enhance each other’s flavor. There’s also some sort of ancient Native American technique that involves cycling beans, corn, and squash (aka the “three sisters”) that I have not personally engaged with but I if I had to guess I’d say they were probably onto something.

And there you have it! All you have to do at that point is water and wait. For those of you who want to copy my garden exactly (and who wouldn’t?) here’s what I planted.

• Sunflowers: That big tall guy on the left is a sunflower, and there are also two other sunflowers right beside him. The tall one is so chonky I had to buy a little bamboo trellis to keep him upright and I will probably also trellis at least one of the other ones. Big chonk-er looks like he is going to bloom soon. I am quite pleased.

• Corn: Yes, bitch! Corn! I’m growing corn! Next to the sunflower I’ve got *five* corn stalks growing. I think this is technically more corn stalks than you’re supposed to have per square foot but I am terrible at pruning back seedlings and want them all to live. They seem to be growing fine right now anyway. Will keep you posted as to if/when they produce any fruit. If/when they do I plan to have a BBQ and invite friends over to feast on my kiddie pool bounty, which should be approximately 3-4 corn cobbs. Yum!

• Calendula: In the bottom left corner I have a little calendula flower plant that I started in my Aerogarden indoors. They’re not blooming in this picture, which is a few weeks old, but if you look at the first pic in this newsletter they are the little orange flowers in the corner. I believe I can make tea from these but I have not looked into how. Will let you know if/when I do and if it affords me any special powers.

• Mustard: The big mess of greens in the bottom middle of the pool is mustard! So much mustard! This grew very easily and has now sprouted little yellow flowers as well. I have not tasted any of it yet or looked into how I can turn them into a condiment, but if I do it will certainly be available at the summer feast to adorn my 3-4 corn cobbs.

• Cherry tomatoes: Would it be a summer garden without some cherry tomatoes? I started mine inside in the Aerogarden and now have three separate plants going. They just started to grow little green tomato babies so I won’t know which ones are the red cherry tomatoes and which ones are the gold cherry tomatoes for a little while yet. Can’t wait to be surprised!

  • Side note: I recently noticed some white flakey things growing on one of my tomatoes which turned out to be a type of mold that’s common when the humidity gets crazy - as it has been in New York the past two weeks. I was able to knock this out quickly by pruning the worst bits and hitting the rest with some Neem Oil. Highly recommend Neem oil.

• Basil: Next to the tomatoes you can see I have a cute little Thai basil plant! I have a lot more basil that I am starting inside and will intersperse with the tomatoes. The Thai basil actually grew a little purple flower but when I posted about it to IG some helpful gardeners told me that keeping the flower would stunt its growth and affect the flavor so I cut that bitch off. Not today, purple flower!

• Bell pepper: I have a very slow-growing bell pepper plant next to the Thai basil that I started from grocery store scraps! It took her a while to come to life but she’s growing more and more every day and we love her for it. Who am I to rush her process?

• Cilantro: The next big bundle of green on the right side of the pool is cilantro. I just started using it in my cooking and it tastes amazing and also makes the garden smell good whenever I water it. If you’re not one of those soap cilantro people, I highly recommend growing some!

• Scallions: Above the cilantro, I have some scallions that I also planted from grocery scraps. Every time I get scallions from the grocery store I save the bottoms and just pop ‘em in the dirt. This has yielded me six scallion plants so far. Haven’t harvested any yet cuz I want to give them more time to grow, but will report back when I do.

• Garlic: Next to the scallions in what looks like just an empty patch of dirt I am growing garlic - you guessed it! - from grocery scraps. It took so long for these guys to sprout that I thought maybe they weren’t going to, but almost every day now I see a new garlic baby poking through the dirt. Won’t be able to harvest them for a long ass time but when I do…I’ll become more powerful than you ever could have imagined.

• Chamomile: Okay so the chamomile isn’t out there yet because I’m getting her started indoors, but she will eventually go next to the garlic! I will also make tea from her leaves and gain incredible powers that had previously been lost to the natural world for centuries. I think…

• Marigolds: Every garden needs some marigolds! They deter pests, look pretty, and are good companion plants for pretty much everything. Also, whenever one of the blooms starts to die you can pop the flower head off, open it up, and spread the seeds all over your garden to grow even more marigolds. I do this every time I deadhead the plant and now I have extra bonus marigold seedlings sprouting up all over. Magical!

And that’s the kiddie pool garden! I am also growing a number of flowers out on my back deck and a pumpkin in a 25-gallon bag that Danny says reminds him of Little Shop of Horrors.

I can’t imagine what he’s talking about.

Happy growing!

besitos

alise

**important notes**

* Obviously I am also on Threads. Follow me there.

** DO NOT hold me to this opinion when I am a mom with a hot child who needs someplace to put their pee water in the summer.

*** Yeah, I bought cow shit on Amazon. Bite me.

**promos and plugs**

• I made a humorous comedy video about the release of Speak Now (Taylor’s Version). Please engage with it on Instagram or TikTok or, preferably, both. I need this.

• I’m performing stand up on a show 7/20 at 8:30pm at the Ludlow Hotel! IDK if it’s ticketed or not but mark your cals and I’ll send along more deets when I get ‘em!

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