How To Spot a Crybully - by Kier Adrian Gray
Since a local organization is currently under attack from false allegations of a social justice nature, crybullies have been on my mind, and it’s come to my attention that not everyone knows what the term means.
Although autocorrect has not caught up, “crybully” was added to Dictionary.com in 2019, and has also made it into the Oxford English Dictionary as well as the Collins Dictionary. The latter has my favourite definition:
A person who presents himself or herself as a victim of injustice in order to intimidate and manipulate others.
It has become largely taboo in leftist spaces to question accusations of racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, etc. The primacy of lived experience creates a mythology wherein white people are incapable of evaluating incidents of racism, men are incapable of evaluating incidents of sexism, etc, and attempting to do so is, in and of itself, an act of oppression.
Now, perhaps if every single person had perfect self-knowledge, we all shared the same definition of oppression, and there were never any complicating factors such as mental illness or ulterior motives, this system could work.
But that’s not the world we live in. We are each complicated and flawed people who have various motivations impacting our behaviour, including ones that we’re not aware of, or that we deny. Simply put, we are not always the best judge of the situations we find ourselves in. If we were, there’d be no need for therapists, conflict mediation or courts.
Within the world of social justice and leftism more broadly, the concept of the crybully brings our attention to people who make accusations of harm, which are often either false or greatly exaggerated, as a smokescreen for mistreating others. This often takes the form of accusing an individual or an organization of an identity-related harm, and attempting to isolate them and deprive them of support. In any other world, this would be called a smear campaign.
Now, I’ll be the first to say that there are real instances of racism, sexism etc, and in fact I believe that being able to spot those who are crying wolf will allow us to refocus on incidents of true injustice that require our attention.
It is not in the best interest of social justice or progress to allow people with malevolent intent to wreak havoc in our communities and personal lives.
So, without further ado…
This last point is particularly important: it’s difficult to judge whether someone is a crybully over a single incident. It gets much clearer as their accusations pile up.
I would also say that someone needs to exhibit many of these characteristics to be considered a crybully, because survivors of real abuse may check off a number of these boxes. For example, some abusers are extremely charming, and when a survivor comes forward, people are disinclined to believe them because the accusations seem so out of character. That alone should not undermine the survivor’s claims.
Now, in the last week I’ve spoken to some people who consider themselves former crybullies. I myself have used social justice language in manipulative ways to control other people in the past. I strongly believe in the ability to change.
But there are people who don’t seem to have any genuine desire or motivation to work on their interpersonal and conflict resolution skills, and/or who exhibit no change in behaviour over time. In fact, they seem to derive a type of gratification, pleasure or validation from successfully turning a community of people against their target. There is no earnest attempt to repair relationships or to improve organizations—simply an impulse to destroy anyone who does not entertain their every whim.
I don’t believe in turning around and trying to ruin the lives of people who behave this way—that would only perpetuate such behaviour. We do, however, have a right to protect our beloved friends and community organizations against spurious and malicious accusations, and being able to spot a crybully will help us do so.
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