I ranked every Architectural Digest celebrity home tour
LOVE IS AN ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST OPEN DOOR
I love love love to watch virtual tours of rich people’s homes. Some of the most relaxing, restorative nights of my life are when I order a medium pizza and garlic cheesy bread from Dominos, smoke a little w*eed, and bliss out to an episode of Netflix’s The World’s Most Extraordinary Homes. Please don’t mistake what I’m saying as simply “David loves HGTV.” I have no interest in shows about purchasing or renovating houses, where I am subjected to a stilted narrative, a sob story, a Big Decision. The content I crave and get off on is completely devoid of plot or conflict. I don’t want to watch people agonize over two different kitchens or argue about whose hoarding habit caused the mold in the basement. I want an impeccably dressed couple to invite me into a home they already own and walk me through a bathroom the size of my apartment.
I first discovered Architectural Digest’s celebrity home tour content after trying and failing to love Vogue’s 73 Questions series. My thirst for digital access to lavish backyards was such that I was willing to watch stars walk backyards for 15 minutes, pretending to have not rehearsed their answers to softball questions like “what do you love on your pizza?” I wasn’t happy. I disliked the gimmick of the alleged single take, and questions like “how much does that Oscar weigh?” were beside the point. Show me the upstairs sitting room, Reese! Thankfully my YouTube algorithm took pity on me and autoplayed “Inside Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard’s Brooklyn Home,” and I’ve never looked back.
AD’s Open Door series is heaven to me. The cameras aren’t solely focused on the celebrities, so I get enough shots of the rooms to satisfy my passion for architecture and interior design (“ooo big, pretty couch!”). I care more about the homes than the homeowners, but it’s also fun to learn more about my favorite actresses/musicians/gay arm candy. The celebs seem looser - dare I say more authentic - when they’re talking about their stuff and not themselves. There’s no gimmick, just room after opulent room.
Obviously there’s an element of facade to these videos. I know the house has never looked this clean, various products have been deviously placed for some cold hard cash, and the happy couple is probably only doing this so they can garner interest in the house, sell it, and finalize the divorce. Fine by me! I’m just here to fantasize. I’ll probably never be able to afford a house, let alone a house with a double kitchen island; just show me the pretty things and I will eat it up like candy.
For a long time I’ve thought about ranking the AD Open Door videos, and last week I spent hours (re)watching every single one. I made a ranked list, but only after I made a spreadsheet and a point system to determine each tour’s value. This was a process, honey. (Reminder that I am still unemployed.)
MY PROCESS
I watched every Open Door video, unless it fell into one of two categories:
Videos under five minutes. In late 2017 AD, AD started filming lengthy, comprehensive home tours. Before that, they produced dozens of 2-4 minute “tours” that are pretty much slideshow promos for the magazine’s print pieces. Not good enough!
Tours of non-homes. This means I did not rank tours like Tyler Perry’s studio compound or Margot Robbie’s office space. I did, however, include tours of homes that are not the person’s primary residence (Lenny Kravitz, Terry Crews).
I started out by simply ranking each home on a scale of 1-5. Do I want to move into the master suite? Would I settle for living in the kid’s room? The bathtub? Is there a backyard pool I can try to break into literally right now? Is the wallpaper stimulating, the fine art fascinating, the shower a steam shower and therefore steaming? These answers and more earned each home up to five points.
Next, I factored in the celebrity’s Charm. Did I have fun watching them? Do I like this person more or less than before I heard them gab about their nice things? Do I want to be roommates? Do I want to steal their lives like I’m the bad-guy in a psychological thriller? Or do I resent them for their wealth and tackiness? Did they bring me out of the fantasy and remind me that no one should have this much money? Would I rather stay in my zero-glitz North Hollywood apartment than live for free in a gorgeous home with them as my only company? Are they the bad guy in my psychological thriller?
The points for this category worked a bit differently. I still rated each video 1-5, but I allotted points like this:
1: -1
2: 0
3: 0
4: +1
5: +2
If I found you completely irritating, you really suffered; if I loved you, you soared. If you were middling, it had far less weight than your home - bonus points and deductions could really make or break you.
BONUS POINTS
A proper home tour should obviously include a bathroom, but a surprising number of celebs are unwilling to share where they shit; showing a bathroom earned them a point. So did saying the name of their designer or contractor - don’t pretend you did this on your own! Give credit where credit is due (or contractually obligated)! Lastly, a cameo by a well-coached kid earned half a point.
DEDUCTIONS
A celebrity mocking their spouse? I don’t want to see that! Bragging about luxury cars? I don’t want to see that! Blatant spon con? I don’t want to see that! All of these lost a point. I also docked a quarter point if they called the kitchen “the heart of the home,” because I find that cliche irritating.
The #1 tour scored 9 points, while #46 came in at a whopping -1. Most videos tied with several others, and in those cases I used my gut to place them in order. I also shifted a few that I felt placed too high or too low - nobody asked me to make this list, so I can make it however I want!
Note: when I sent myself a preview of this newsletter to check the formatting, the email cut off at #20. If it gets cut off for you, look for "view entire message"!
Without further ado:
ADDITIONAL MATERIAL
Trends I Noticed By The End And Would Track If I Were To Rewatch Every Video, But I’m Not Going to Do That
La Cornue ovens
Pizza ovens
Owning 2+ ovens
People making “this is where the magic happens” jokes
Prominently displayed awards, especially MTV Awards and Kids’ Choice Awards
“We have this amazing kitchen but we don’t really cook in it”
Subsection: “We’re New Yorkers so the only thing we make are reservations, haha… we love to eat out!!! This gigantic kitchen is for the occasional toasted bagel”
Breaking the 4th wall and talking about the artifice of the shoot, especially to comment on the fresh fruit brought in
“Yummy” used to describe things that are not food
Celebrities Who Talked About “Indoor/Outdoor Living”
Celebrities Who Talked About Their Restoration Hardware Cloud Sofa OR Had One That I Spotted
Celebrities Who Talked About Their Pocket Doors
Celebrities Officially Recognized By AD As Bicoastal Elites
Jesse Tyler Ferguson & Justin Mikita
Nate Berkus & Jeremiah Brent
For what it’s worth, Tommy Hilfiger has a full home tour and two additional short videos about other homes
Celebrities Who Took Design Inspo From Other AD Tours
3 Shepard Fairey Owners, 1 Banksy Owner - GUESS WHO HAS WHAT!
Lance Armstrong
Ashley Tisdale
Robert Downey Jr.
Terry Crews
Homes That Were… Normal Homes
TV Awards
Best TV Placement: Dita Von Teese (hidden behind a cool painting)
Worst TV Placement: so many contenders, but I’ll give it to Jessica Alba who has it on an easel to wheel in and out of the bedroom
Most Innovative/Expensive-Seeming TV Placement: Tommy Hilfiger (his wife puts all of their TVs inside of mirrors)
Interesting Parallels
Controversial sports figures Lance Armstrong and Maria Sharapova are both long-time art collectors
John Stamos and Neil Patrick Harris both own parts from Disney’s Haunted Mansion ride
Sheryl Crow and Dita Von Teese say the exact same thing about loading up their tour busses with antique furniture
Zedd, Nicole Sherzinger, and at least one other person I forgot to write down own art by Retna
Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Neil Patrick Harris both talk about traditional wedding anniversary gift themes (leather, wood), which always makes me think of Gone Girl
Miscellaneous Notes
John Stamos has hideous digital frames on his wall
Maria Sharapova wins the award for using the most AD buzzwords (“space,” “piece,” etc.)
People love to describe spaces as “clean”
I find it funny when someone clearly thinks they’re doing a segment for a TV show and not a YouTube channel
Whenever someone goes on a tangent describing the beautiful summer barbeques they host all the time, I’m like… yeah right.
Aaron Paul has a Sky Mall-esque cocktail smoker - would my boyfriend like that as a gift?
Mandy Moore is one of the only people to acknowledges how “lucky” she is - she also stores her records wrong
Lily Aldridge talks about her Wii but I think she’s holding a Nintendo Switch?
Not surprising but both couples with two tours really have their style come through in both homes
David Harbour reinvented “no homo” when he said “I don’t want you to think that I’m a big candelabra bathtub type guy”
So there you have it! Yes, I do plan to update my list with each new Open Door video. Yes, I would love to hear your counterarguments, questions about points, etc. Yes, I know that vintage pieces add texture to an otherwise clean space, really cozying it up while keeping with the minimalist aesthetic, and you should too.
[Originally published on TinyLetter]
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