PicoBlog

Have you ever been told you’re ‘a bit intense’, ‘very sensitive’, or even - perhaps - ‘too much’? If so, then this is the place for you.

You see, I am the self-appointed queen of intensity, sensitivity, and basically being far too much. It’s something I have fought for most of my life, but I’ve come to accept my too-muchness not as an annoying trait I need to overcome, but as a major source of strength. Stay with me for a sec.

My mum always likes to tell the story of how ‘serious’ I was when I was very little. Occasionally, we’ll pull out home-videos, which often feature my dad trying to get me to crack a smile, and I just crawl over to him, emotionless, stare down the camera and then turn around and crawl away. I’m not sure the exact moment everything changed, but somewhere along the line I started making up for lost time and became a child of rollercoaster emotion. There was extreme love and obsession - for dolls, for movies, for my muzzy (a muslin rag that I still sleep with a version of, even now). I couldn’t let go of things even when I was ‘too old’; I struggled with attachment, and still do - which is weird to think about because I have the most secure and loving family. Then there was the extreme anguish and sadness - anything could tip me over the edge, from washing my hair (look, curly hair is very knotty and it hurts sometimes), to being left out at school (again, inexplicable attachment issues), and getting mediocre marks on a test. I know we change and grow as we get older but the core of who we are stays more-or-less the same - and I’ve been this way ever since. A dramatic perfectionist obsessive overthinker. Too Much, if you will.

I know that if you have any semblance of extremity in your personality, there’s a desire to apply a label or diagnosis to explain it away. I know that is really helpful for a lot of people, but I think I can simply say: ‘I am a person who feels a lot.’ After all, emotions are part of being human - we all feel the full spectrum of good, bad and ugly to some extent to different points throughout our lives. I think, though, that some of us work with wavy lines of emotion - gentle undulations, and rational ups and downs - and others (like me) work with scribbly chaos. For me, my emotion can come out in overwhelming ways. It means I cry a lot. It means I ruminate and catastrophise. It means people often call me ‘difficult’, ‘opinionated’ or ‘savage’ (when I really don’t mean to be). It means I am anxious more often than I’m not, and I frequently ask myself big existential questions that keep me awake at night, like: What’s the point? Does everyone hate me? And: How could I ever listen to Lover again if I met Taylor Swift and she wasn’t very nice?

Share Too Much

But, my mum has always said to me that every human characteristic is like a coin with two sides. There’s the negative on one side, and the positive on the other. And if you want people’s best qualities, you have to accept the flip-sides too. The positive side of my intensity is that it enables me to love ferociously; it’s why I’ve been in love with the same person since I was 15 (I’m lucky that he has felt the same way). It’s why my long-suffering friends know they can rely on me and come to me for advice and deep meaningful conversations in the corner of parties. It has made me analytical and empathetic enough to do the job I do. It’s why I take a lot of pleasure in really simple things - like securing my favourite spot in a yoga class, or a dusting of chocolate powder on top of a coffee. It’s why I’m drawn to other people who are ‘too much’; people who are thoughtful and romantic and honest. The best kinds of people, I think (but I’m biased).

Most days, something will happen - I’ll freak out over a minor inconvenience, or squeal at the most recent viewing of Timothee and Kylie - and my husband, Laurie, will sigh and say ‘you’re too much, Ari.’ But it’s not an insult - although maybe when I was young I would’ve taken it that way. Women, especially, have been raised to fit neatly inside boxes - never allowing ourselves to spill out over the edges. Our emotions are used against us to prove our weakness. ‘Too much’ isn’t typically used as a compliment. But actually I know (and he knows) that ‘too much’ also means excess, abundance, overflow. It means you have everything you need, plus plenty more besides. If you have too much, you’re guaranteed to always have enough.

Ultimately, I’d much rather feel things too much than feel nothing at all. I mean, wasn’t that the whole lesson of the Barbie movie? Intensity is a joy. It’s a burden sometimes, yes - but isn’t everything worth having? So, as the self-appointed queen of too-muchness, I want this newsletter to give you permission to swing open the doors of your mind and heart, and let all of the feelings out. I want this to be a place where nothing is too dramatic, too analytical, too emo, or too silly. This will be my space to think freely and feel deeply, and I hope it encourages you to do the same.

I hope you will subscribe and we can feel all the feelings together.

Arielle xxx

Just so you know…

I have had this newsletter on the back-burner for a while - I was going to start it months ago, but then I got derailed by the Oct 7th massacre. If you follow me, you’ll know that I am both Jewish and Israeli, and I wear these identities with a huge amount of pride. When the war started, it was the very definition of too much. I still find it difficult to talk and think about. I didn’t think I could write this newsletter while neglecting to mention it - to be honest, it’s too much for even a newsletter titled ‘too much.’ At some point, I decided there would still be value in starting this project, even if I don’t write about the ultimate big, engulfing thing happening in my life right now - because we all need a little space to breathe.

Secondly, I am not promising a specific day to release this newsletter every week or month - I tend to stop doing things when they feel like a chore, and I really want this to be a thing! I know I don’t normally keep tabs on when my subscriptions come in, so I’m sure you wouldn’t care or notice anyway, but I’m setting the expectation from the get-go that this could be a little sporadic.

Thank you so much for reading my waffle, and for being here!

ncG1vNJzZmiZop6yrbjErKuenZyae7TBwayrmpubY7CwuY6pZqKmpKe8pcHCoqWgZaSkvG651Jyf