PicoBlog

the perplexity of this question does not become easier to dissect when you unravel and pick apart the layers. once you begin to explore the depth of this question, you are only met with more equally complex and painful questions. rejection or regret? embarrassment or foolishness? even with the words rewritten, will you still get the same answer at the end of it all? possibly the most unanswerable question i’ve ever come across, let’s talk about it.

i first came across this question, like everybody else, watching ‘Call Me By Your Name’ on a late spring evening with my mum. easily one of our most tenderly shared moments together. i could write an entirely separate essay on the beauty of this film, but i won’t, or i fear i will never reach a conclusion. i gave my mum a scripted excerpt from the movie for her birthday, and it lives quietly in the corner of our living room. a heartbreakingly poetic monologue in which elio’s father speaks to him about unconditional love. now, it exists in our space as a continuous reminder of the beautiful relationship i share with my mother, and how much i adore her. again, i could write another essay on that, but my love and words are never ending.

in the movie, elio first hears ‘is it better to speak or to die?’ on a late spring evening, when his mother reads to him a translation from ‘Heptaméron’, whilst gently and soothingly stroking his head. 

A handsome young knight is madly in love with a princess
And she too is in love with him
Though she seems not to be entirely aware of it
Despite the friendship that blossoms between them or
Perhaps because of that very friendship
The young knight finds himself
So humbled and speechless
That he's totally unable to bring up the subject of his love
Till one day he asks the princess point blank
Is it better to speak or to die?

later in the movie, elio revisits the meaning of the question with oliver by the poolside, and unknowingly, speaks the question into the fate of their own relationship. the handsome young knight does not speak. neither will elio, nor oliver. it is a beautiful tragedy, to watch two lovers remain silent. but do they really remain quiet, lips sealed tight? even a slight murmur of the question already borders on ‘speaking’. the words don’t ever fully ‘die’, and the feelings are definitely still present. is it possible the question exists on a spectrum, and there is an in between, where most informal relationships breathe into existence, including elio and oliver’s rather queer relationship?

in my humbling experiences of being the designated ‘single friend’, i am equally as qualified and unqualified to raise this idea of a middle ground. watching over successful and disastrous relationships as a bystander has shown me evidence of a limbo where nobody speaks, but nobody dies either. i don’t think the question was ever made to exist on a spectrum, but evolution has rendered new types of love and connection. everybody loves a shakespearean tragedy. there is nothing more horny than the betrayal portrayed in ‘Othello’ or the existential despair in ‘Hamlet’. if being the ‘single friend’ has taught me anything, it’s that modern day love is just a contemporary, live-action shakespearean play. however, if you think of the question as simply as it is written, ‘is it better to speak or to die?’, is it appropriate to add a sub-section? or is that just the easier way out to answering this paradoxical mystery?

this is my lightbulb moment. after all the countless backspaces, all the replays of the soundtrack, and turnovers in my mind. i may have figured out my perspective. what if, ‘is it better to speak or die?’ isn’t a question at all, but rather an answer itself. say if this middle ground does exist, which clearly the evidence is not lacking to say it does, isn’t that simply the answer? neither elio nor oliver speak or die, yet simultaneously their actions speak for themselves and [spoiler alert: their feelings die at the end.] is it better to speak or to die? or, can you do both and neither simultaneously? when the handsome young knight asks the princess “is it better to speak or to die?” he is simply asking her what he should do, he is already confessing his feelings indirectly. so really, the paradox does not solve itself. because as humans, sometimes our love for another is too complex to be put simply. 

thanks for reading. missed doing critical analysis, and what better way to prepare before uni than to write about one of my favourite films. dedicated to my mum.

take care.

yours,
libby griffiths

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