PicoBlog

My relationship with my husband has been like a slow boil, getting steadily and progressively worse over many years. Early in our relationship, he was so kind and loving. Everything was perfect. We never even argued. But now, he’s mean to me, speaks negatively about my family, insults my body, and becomes threatening and aggressive when angry, but has never hit me.

I’ve been trying to convince him to go to couples therapy, but he so far refuses. I feel like we can fix things if he puts in a little effort. But lately, I’ve been wondering if he’s a narcissist. How do I know if this is narcissistic abuse, and is only going to get worse, or if it’s just the usual relationship problems and can change?

The narcissist has become the great mythological terror of our generation. They’re supposedly everywhere, forever on the hunt for their next source of narcissistic supply. We tell women to look out for the signs of narcissism so that they can protect themselves from abuse. Websites have built up massive libraries of content warning people about narcissists, identifying the effects of narcissistic abuse, and providing support for narcissism’s survivors.

And yet.

People keep getting abused. My own research suggests that most heterosexual relationships involve some degree of abuse.

Proponents of the narcissism theory of abuse, who see narcissism in every mean person, every person they dislike, tell us that narcissists are cunning monsters. They target vulnerable people, or smart people, or strong people. In many ways, their profiles on narcissists read like horoscopes—vague enough to be applicable to everyone. And whatever personality trait they want to believe they are blessed with, they will assert is a personality trait narcissists target.

Narcissists are supposedly so smart that they can pretend to be normal for years. They have complex master plans. They’re 25 steps ahead of you.

Sounds like bullshit to me.

All of the abusive men I know are opportunistic abusers. They do what is convenient. They are impulsive. They almost never have a master plan. They just react, and continuously treat their partners as objects who don’t matter.

The problem is not narcissism. It’s patriarchy.

In a patriarchy, abuse is the normal state. What you have outlined is an abusive relationship, no doubt, but it is also a typical heterosexual relationship. And a patriarchal society lets men get away with it.

Patriarchy tells women to just keep trying.

It tells us we have to endure a certain amount of abuse before we can leave.

It tells us to go to couples therapy instead of to flee.

It tells us that if we just communicate better, just nag less, just become less deserving of abuse, things will change.

And then things don’t change and the abuse escalates. And when someone gets hurt, patriarchy asks women why they stayed, why they didn’t do anything.

I think the narcissism label fills a gap in this world. The myth of the narcissist as a brilliant-genius-cunning-monster who can do anything and everything and who can never, ever change empowers some women to finally leave.

It empowers women to look for patterns, and to label them narcissism—even though the patterns they are seeing are usually the patriarchal playbook, not the narcissistic one. They’re not evil geniuses who tricked you into love. They’re foul-smelling below-average losers who capitalize on women’s socialization to believe they are unworthy without a partner.

I don’t know if your husband is a narcissist. And I don’t care. It doesn’t matter if there’s a reason he’s treating you this way, or if he can be cured. What matters is that he is abusing you. We need to take our focus off of offenders, off of looking for their justifications, and re-center the needs of their victims.

Abuse does not improve while the relationship persists. This is because relationships are transactional to abusers. Your partner has no reason to change as long as the relationship continues.

Don’t waste your time on couples counseling. It’s not safe in an abusive relationship, and your partner may weaponize it to more effectively abuse you. And also, anyone who refuses couples counseling—a really basic, simple intervention—has made it quite clear they don’t want to improve things.

While you’re here, I want to also touch on what you said about your “perfect” early relationship.

Before you get into your next relationship, I hope you’ll spend some time learning about relationship red flags. Never getting into a fight is not actually a positive sign. You must see someone at their worst, and witness how they manage conflict, many times before you can safely commit to him.

Get out now. Don’t waste another second on narcissism boards. Reclaim your life, and read something you actually like—not narcissism survival self-help.

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