Is toilet paper edible? - by Dennis Lee
We are living through some frightening times. It is okay to be scared.
From where we’re sitting, Davida and I are probably going to have it a little rough for a while. We both have service jobs. Paulie Gee’s Logan Square, where I make pizza, is mostly on lockdown, doing takeout and delivery only, for the time being. Pretty much the rest of Chicago’s restaurants are just straight up closed, and the entire industry is terrified about our future.
Davida’s job at a spa is also currently on hold, which means she and I are going to be playing a lot of video games for a while.
This is hard. This is really, really, heartbreaking. For the love of God, just stay home for a while. This has gone way beyond the hand-washing thing. Being bored is not going to kill you.
AND STOP BUYING SO MUCH TOILET PAPER BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK.
Unlike you clowns, we haven’t been able to hoard toilet paper. Go figure.
I’m trying to limit the times I’m going out. You’re all insane:
March 14, 2020
So, this got me thinking the same question as all of you.
“Dannis Ree, as the greatest food writer in all of history, you must have an answer to this,” I said to myself. “Why the fuck are people buying so much toilet paper?”
Then a lightbulb went on in my head, and I nodded to myself.
You all must be eating it.
To answer my suspicions, I asked an all-star roster of industry folks one question: Is toilet paper edible?
Here are the answers.
Happy #MAR10, from your friendly kitchen goofball.March 10, 2020
Daniel says, “It is, but you have to sprout it first. To do that, pack it into a mason jar, piss into the jar, seal it, and set it behind the toilet for 17 weeks. After that, I really like it with stewed kidneys, just to enhance that inherent pee flavor.”
Am I the only that doesn't like rocking winter gear in restaurants?Well, what are ya gonna do when you crave a Wagyu double cheeseburger made from 40 day dry aged ribeye steaks, local cheddar, house made pickles, a custom burger sauce on an in house cemita bun?
Stay bundled up and burger up!! TGIF!!
January 18, 2020
Ali responded with, “Mmmmmmm. No. But IMO edible is an ideal vs a feasible possibility.”
Interesting. Also, Ali has a blog called Bang For Your Burger Buck and a YouTube show called Ali vs. The Dome. Check them out.
I spent the past six days in Chicago for work with no husband and no kids. Planned on hitting the town but it was cold and icy, meaning I was “forced” to spend the whole week stuck in my quiet hotel room, “forced” to eat takeout in my pajamas, “forced” to binge watch Curb Your Enthusiasm while on (legal!) edibles. Anyway, here’s an action shot of me wearing four coats on the train after eating duck at Sun Wah to prove that I did, in fact, engage in at least one social thing. I’ll do something exciting on my next trip. Maybe. #BestVacationEver #livingmybestlifeJanuary 25, 2020
Allison says, “Probably? I mean, it’s fiber.”
Ever wanted me to judge your kid’s cake decorating skills in person? Now’s your chance! Join me, Geof, and friends for the Kids Decorating Competition at @duffscakemix! Link in bio (and over on the @duffscakemix profile) for more details, dates, and tickets!June 24, 2019
Duff responded with, “If you cook it right, sure.”
Josh says, “Toilet paper is edible. If you think it isn’t, throw three squares of Charmin into your next smoothie and tell me if you notice the difference. You won’t.”
Thankful to still have this little buddy (and his sister Shabu) around after all these years. Still as grumpy and lazy and awesome as ever.
November 28, 2019
Kenji replied, “Inasmuch as “edible” means “fit to be eaten” and I can definitely fit toilet paper in me, yes?
Also, Kenji has a ton of shit going on. He’s a chef and partner at Wursthall, and he’s coming out with a children’s book, Every Night is Pizza Night, to be released later this year.
Come for the conversation about why my friends think I’m boring now and current state of the restaurant industry, stay for the anecdote about how a bowl of Hapa ramen probably ruined one of @reneredzepinoma’s shirts! Thanks for the conversation @chefchriscosentino, it was really funLink in my bio
#Repost @chefchriscosentino
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We all grow up, we all make mistakes thats part of life , how we learn from them is the true test. @linecook & I sit and talk about life, changes and as always he instigates the conversation. Listen to #losingyourmindwithchriscosentino Link in Bio
August 27, 2019
Richie: “Yes. And the problem is that people over complicate their TP recipes. A simple Charmin Cacio e Pepe is both affordable and nutritious.”
You might remember Mike Sula from this fantastic piece earlier.
He said, “After I’ve used it? Yes.”
February 20, 2020
Ethan says, “Yes. I have consumed papers in multiple forms.”
We crushed it tonight. My first meal cooked nearly on my own in the new apartment— under Dennis’ loving guidance of course. Homemade salmon & kimchi fried rice! It was so lovely. I love food. I love him.
June 30, 2018
Davida was trying to play video games while I asked her this very important question.
“Well, first of all, I’m trying to fight robots and I’m on fire. Fuck, can you ever really be prepared for a question like this? Can’t you ask someone else? I hate quarantine.”
Out of 10 replies, only one no. So I guess in a pinch (disgusting pun intended), experts agree that you can eat toilet paper. Nobody’s asked me what I think.
Maybe, you can, I don’t know. Roll sushi with it.
Right now, I don’t know what to say. Just take care of each other. We’ll be doing our best over here in our little apartment to keep laughing when we can, and helping out in the ways we know how.
Here’s the share button (which I still have never clicked on):
And please consider subscribing so we can get some toilet paper while we figure out what’s next.
I hate this, but Venmo: @dickholedannis.
(At least we’ll have more time to write.)
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