PicoBlog

Hello, we meet again! It’s been a minute since the last proper Tuesday Letter (two weeks!) but you must understand that every December I face a wave of absolutely crushing post-Christmas depression which prevents me from doing much else besides laying around eating cereal, screenshotting pictures of men, and watching films that have been in my Letterboxd watchlist for approximately three and a half years. But here we are, for the first Tuesday edition of 2022! There’s a whole lot to cover from the last two weeks, so prepare for a few delayed dispatches from the holidays up until now. Let’s get into it together.

Despite how often I’ve gone on record as a lover of The Holidays Industrial Complex, I can’t deny that they are a time where we must confront and ponder the two most crippling parts of being human: our mortality and all of the bad choices we’ve made in life—and this must be done as we lay in our childhood bedrooms. It’s not easy, and often results in some mood swings that force us to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior that doesn’t align with who we’ve built ourselves up to be as adults. The good news is that, despite how much money they have, celebrities are not exempt from this crippling bout of existential crises! In case you might’ve missed it as you were going through your own messes, here’s how a handful of them acted out:

The Always Unpredictable Jessica Chastain:

Over the last few weeks, Jessica “Don’a Make’a Me Cry!” Chastain has been getting knee-deep in her obsession with Instagram Reels. She was flirting with the medium back in September when she was in the middle of promoting The Eyes of Tammy Faye, crafting some unforgettable pieces of digital art, the value of which far outweighs the uselessness of NFTs, but now Chastain is simply just doing this for fun—either that or she’s gotten a taste of social media influencer addiction like every other white lady hailing from California. She’s in her own home just spending hours of her afternoons making these! Asking her team to film her getting fake drunk on champagne and rolling around her apartment, simply just for the fun of it all!

Actually, I can’t think of a better gig in the world than to be Jessica Chastain’s assistant, asked to hold her iPhone to record sixteen different clips of her catching a wrapped present until they get the perfect shot.

But J. Chaz (along with her team) is not just simply an influencer, she’s also an expert in self-promotion and marketing, as seen in this Reel posted on Christmas, subliminally encouraging her four million-strong army of fags to spend their holidays forcing their families to watch The Eyes of Tammy Faye.

At first, I thought Jess had gone to such astronomical lengths as to get her Tammy Faye makeup, costuming, and prosthetics reapplied simply just for this Reel, until I realized that the shot had been done well in advance on the set of the film. Clearly very serious about her calendars, I just know Jessica Chastain is giving Moleskine date books for Christmas, with the January 7th date already filled in with “SEE #THE355 IN THEATERS!”

Ryan Phillippe, I Don’t Come to the Witherspoon Family Christmas and Knock the Dicks out of Your Mouth!

It’s absolutely no secret that I don’t mind some gay-baiting if it’s going to come with a shirtless pic or an underwear shot, but Ryan Phillippe’s Christmas Day Instagram post didn’t even have the gumption to include a hint of nipple or a single pube! The post—a photo of him and his friend captioned “Merry Christmas from our house to yours” (that originally included the 👬 emoji)—caused people to speculate that the actor was coming out:

After theories and questions began popping up in the comments, Phillippe commented “people r so dumb.” Actually, anyone who has that many double letters in their last name is dumb. Is it two Ls or two Ps, pick one you little coward.

Now, I don’t think Ryan Phillippe is homophobic, just stupid. Anyone who was married to Reese Witherspoon for that long and couldn’t parlay their career into the A-List echelon would have to be—and I can say that because he posted a gay joke. And at a time when a lot of queer people are legitimately feeling sad because their families don’t want to see them. Maybe if you’d suck some dick you’d grow the hell up!

Mariah Carey’s Daring Diva Descriptions

The best gift I got this year was Mariah Carey’s Vogue Life in Looks video. There’s not much that can be more gratifying than watching a diva delineate on her many iconic looks and well-deserved wins.

If you know Mariah, then you’re picking up on all of the subtle hints of shadiness at former features of her fabled life: someone stole designer looks from Mariah’s closet (could it be former manager, Stella, whose last name I will not include due to her litigious nature?) and someone (Tommy Mottola) wouldn’t let Mariah work with certain directors for the “Fantasy” video. It’s all very Mariah and supremely watchable. There’s no one as entertaining, case in point, her casually saying, “I can’t tell anybody how to wear their slit.”

(Rating: A Top Shelf Christmas!)

Katheryn Perry’s new Las Vegas residency, entitled PLAY, commenced on December 29th, and America will never be quite the same. Not since Nomi Malone graced the stage of the Stardust Casino in Showgirls has Vegas seen something quite so audacious…

Nearly 15 years into her mainstream career, subtlety is a thing of the past for Ms. Hudson-Perry-Bloom. The moment she strapped those whipped cream guns to her tiddies in 2010 was the moment she accepted her fate as our most garish popstar, soaring past the point of cringe with such a fervent commitment to not being subtle that it’s incredibly hard not to admire how self-aware she is.

Say what you might, but Katy Perry is the artist most deserving of a Vegas residency. The land of hedonism deserves Perry’s catalog of top to bottom hit songs (which, for the most part, have barely aged), and Katy is willing to put together a show packed with color, camp, and confection-laced joy. Has any other novelty act ever had such remarkable staying power? I don’t want Katy Perry to ever go away, because even if the music isn’t always great, there is simply no one else who is going to put a giant toilet on stage and have a singing turd pop out of it to riff with you. She’s on a job-creating initiative!

Somehow, her total dedication to being this kind of person and this kind of performer just makes it more commendable. Besides, I couldn’t fault her if I tried as she was willing to finally give a slot to “Walking on Air,” one of the only true classic House songs a mainstream artist has put out in the last decade! Hard not to crack a smile seeing her perform that chorus while dressed as a giant bag of trash!

(Rating: Top Shelf)

Discussing her (instantly iconic) new M.A.C. campaign with Saweetie, Cher literally said I’m not like those other girls. And she’s not!

(Rating: Top Shelf)

Real Housewives of New York alum Dorinda Medley released this promotional video for her new bourbon, Blue Stone Manor, named after her iconic Berkshires abode. It’s a decidedly sexy little vid, with a jazzy piano score and mystifying transitions and fades. The following is my absolute favorite part:

Former Real Housewives of Atlanta friend-of and current star Marlo Hampton is in the middle of filming her first season as an official Housewife. In this video, she talks about how it feels to finally have her peach, something she should’ve had years ago after telling Shereé, “Go and hang with them faggots with your ugly stupid ass.” At 1:41, she tries to be serious for approximately five seconds while trying to discuss her weight loss journey before breaking into laughter. Never one to take anything too seriously, I can’t wait to see this Marlegend next season.

The Real Housewives of Potomac taglines always make me scream, but maybe none so much as those from Gizelle Bryant, whose three-season laziness has finally, finally, been meme’d perfectly.

Cinematic terrorist Adam McKay is at it again with Don’t Look Up, a film I finally watched last night which is about Jennifer Lawrence being an amazing actress. There’s also a subplot about a comet headed towards earth that’s a poorly-constructed allegory for climate change masquerading as satire. After being lampooned for the heavy-handed, condescending screenplay, McKay had this to say:

Now…

Just because you’ve now proven yourself to be bad at crafting political satire twice in a row doesn’t mean that you get the freedom to talk down to me like a child! You’re the one that neglected to imbue your “call to action” with any actionable ideas or methodology, instead opting for rote sendups of political power and media elite that were about as in line with any SNL sketch designed for centrist-leaning Twitter accounts with bios that read “Lover of America, Hater of President Cheeto.” There are far sharper allegories and satires out there that don’t have to rely on Jennifer Lawrence’s effervescent charm or Cate Blanchett’s ability to suck on her veneers, and yours is just not one of them. I hate when directors fire back at critics like this, implying that because critics think a piece of art is bad that they’re simply too daft to really get the message. The message couldn’t be more clear. A hack is a hack!

(Rating: Low Brow)

Euphoria finally returns to HBO this Sunday for its second season, and the promos popping up as ads around the internet are already reminding me that it’s one of the few premium cable shows whose memes always hit

Why is no one considering that maybe it’s her off period!!! Maybe she’s skipping gym to go get a Slurpee and an 8-ball! All she needs is her little Jacquemus bag and two-piece set and she’s good to go 😌

On last Thursday’s episode of And Just Like That… we had the tidying up of Miranda’s truly funny, absurdist alcoholic plotline. A bit of a disservice to think that alcoholism can be cleaned up so quickly, but we’ll see how it plays out next week! But before that, we had an all-timer moment, and you know what I’m talking about. Yes, I mean Miranda Hobbes getting her pussy popped in Carrie’s kitchen while Carrie, recovering from hip surgery, awakens from a drug-induced sleep and frantically must pee in an empty Snapple bottle while her best friend is getting her flaps flicked in the next room, until she botches it and spills the pee all over herself and the bed while Miranda screams like a wild boar being murdered into the hand of the world’s most insufferable “comedian.” It quite literally must be seen to be believed. And if you don’t have a YouTube account to watch that age-restricted video, this is what you must know:

Each week, I continue to wonder who this show is for because it can’t be for fans of Sex and the City. It is, however, firmly for me. Except for any part where I am forced to suffer through some of Che Diaz’s “comedy.” And I say their full name because they insist on saying it themselves, despite Carrie Bradshaw certainly only knowing ONE Che:

(Rating: Top Shelf…and Low Brow)

In one final ploy for greatness, 2021 left us with a bang on New Year’s Eve when a hacker got into Kelela’s account and tried to scam people into buying PS5 consoles. Those who have had tweet notifications on hoping that the singer would finally return to social media to announce a new project were left defeated upon finding out it was not Kelela, but a hacker who was asking for a very generous retail price buyer!

A whopping two days later, she finally regained control of her account, promising new music that will surely arrive just in time for the PS6 to be released.

(Rating: Low Brow, leave Kelela alone! All she wants is to know is where the weed’s at!)

As much as I disliked Don’t Look Up, I will actually say thank you to Adam McKay for putting Timothée Chalamet in crustpunk drag, making me more attracted to him than ever. What can I say! I am who I am.

Richard Madden relaxed on the beach in a very interesting collection of poses…helping me ring in the new year with a bang:

In the new trailer for The Batman, Robert Pattinson submitted his application to be my 2007 MySpace era emo boyfriend, which you can see if you really squint, as superhero movies are apparently not allowed to be cranked up above 10-point brightness when color-graded. We could go to Hot Topic, but I draw the line at Spencer’s.

This video is astonishing and should be considered one of the best of 2021. The effects are cinema-quality, some of the best I’ve ever seen in a music video. The visual heightens the song entirely, something Grimes always manages to do even with her best tracks. She’s never not interesting!

I feel like everyone hates this song but me, but really I think you guys just don’t like trance music. This shit is so good!

I am obsessed with my own joke:

We will be supporting Florence Pugh’s cock destroyer era:

It’s not too late to tell your favorite newsletter writer they’re beautiful…

That’s all for this week! I hope you have all had happy holidays are at least somewhat enjoying your new year. I’ll see you again next week! 💖

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