PicoBlog

As the mom to a newborn, I am not getting a lot of sleep these days. I try not to double down on the problem by scrolling on my phone, but this morning I did.

I opened my Instagram to endless suggestions for improving my mental health, my home, and my parenting. By the time I had enough, I wondered - how is social media impacting how we view when enough is enough? And why are all of these accounts full of people who are just so…energetic?

As I got sucked into the algorithm, I found myself going down one particularly expensive rabbit hole - home renovations.

“Follow us as we rehabilitate our 220 year old home that sat vacant for 100 years” one of them said. So I followed. I looked at each video. How they refinished floors with the snap of a finger. How it just so happened that all 10 fire places in the home were still working. And how they brought “Ye Old Tavern Kitchen” back to life while still maintaining its charm.

But there was more.

Their children were also thriving on the attached farm - playing outside in what the creator would deem “the right way for kids to play”. The reels played scenes of rolling down hills and eating popsicles on the porch in their Beaufort Bonnet dresses…no stains. The juxtaposition of playing in the mud in a $95.00 children’s dress was made for a catalogue. But IG made it seem it was also made for real life.

And there was more…

They purchased a home in Central America. The design was a mix of Burning Man, Coachella, and …Instagram? And this home also had its own Instagram page of swaying palms, shimmering waters, and vacationing bronzed bombshells.

I decided to head to their bio where I also discovered they’ve remodeled an old bank building into an architects vision and a Cape Cod that would fill the heart of any Coastal Grandmother. Both of which are being rented on AIRBNB to 5 star reviews.

I appreciate all of it. I love beautiful floors and walls and furniture. I like seeing something that was falling apart be put back together. Children should play outside and eat popsicles. And I’ve got a pile of monogrammed 90s style smocked dresses for my own little girl.

But, when I hopped out of the world of home design and back into my feed, I also found a rabbit hole of birthing educators, mental health mavens, and ladies who lunch.

Seemingly every day people posting endless videos showing all of the things they do and all of the things you should do too. And posting about it several times a day. The longer I scrolled, the more Instagram suggested.

Then, I noticed something. All of this was making me want to start a to-do list:

As I made my list and checked it twice, my heart was racing and I caught myself feeling impulsive. If I didn’t pause I was probably going to spend money and time on things that wouldn’t actually add value to my life (in a way that I actually value) and would actually reduce the time and energy I had for the things I did value - my family.

I felt manic. And it was only Monday.

Several months ago, I was sitting in a dark, candlelit, New York City restaurant having a conversation with a good friend of my cousin’s. As is the case when most people try to get to know me, the conversation quickly diverted to my work - “so, when you’re working with couples”, he said, “what’s the biggest issue they have? Is it, like, mostly affairs?”

When people hear I am a couples therapist they want the sordid details. A hot secretary or handsome tennis coach coming in between a good thing.

The biggest issue I see in my office is the outcome of couples under significant stress. For some, that is the result of stressors they did not bring on themselves - a loss, an illness, overwhelm from what’s going on with society - and for others it’s the result of stressors they did .

“Affairs, no. Betrayal yes,” I answered, “but they don’t recognize it as that yet”.

When people come to see me it’s often after betraying each other - but not in the way they might usually think of betrayal. They are betraying each other by doing way too much. And in doing so much they end up betraying their financial, emotional, social and energetic commitments to each other.

Competitiveness, Consumerism, and Workaholism - these are some of the ills plaguing the modern relationship.

People want to be more. More than their neighbor. More than the people on the internet. More than their parents were. More than they were last week.

To be more, they are deluded into thinking they need to buy more. More home goods, more clothing, more trips, more supplements, more memberships, and more programs telling them how to be more.

But they are showing up so much less for their relationships.

And when these couples come to therapy they don’t even recognize this.

For them, the issue is everything else except the too much part.

“Do you think this could all be the result of working 60 hours a week, having 3 kids, and having credit card debt from all of the vacations you took this year?” I might ask.

“No, I don’t think so. We are good at balancing those things! We just suck at communication”, they might respond.

mmhmm…

And, sometimes their response might be true. However, there are times the issues in their relationship are symptoms of wanting too much, committing to too much, and having too much.

All in order to keep up with the Joneses (or maybe the Kardashians).

In the early 1900’s, Arthur Mormand created a comic strip called “Keeping Up with the Joneses”. The comic focused on a family who was driven to obsessively consume more in order to keep up with a named, but never seen, neighbor - The Joneses. In today’s world, we’d know them as @thejoneses.

The creator of the comic admitted that his real life was the source material - he and his wife spent a great deal of money and energy trying to keep up with the wealth they saw around them.

While the Mormands were struggling to go to matinees, wear wonderful clothes, and get something out of life just like the mysteriously wealthy Mrs. Jones, so are we in 2023.

We want so much that we work so much. And then we don’t have time or energy for what we really want deep down inside - our relationships.

Here are some tips:

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