PicoBlog

Have you ever wondered about the telltale signs that distinguish someone as an American?

Sure, there are the obvious giveaways, like the accent. But an American accent is pretty easily faked, as countless British actors have demonstrated, much to the confusion of those of us who stare, slack-jawed, at the screen upon hearing a thick Scottish brogue come out of an actor on an awards show red carpet who’s nominated for portraying a Southern preacher or streetwise New York City drug dealer.

I think one good test would be whether the person can recite the words to the Pledge of Allegiance. It’s hard to imagine anyone knowing this tedious series of lines without having been compelled to repeat them with mind-numbing daily regularity in school. Better yet, if they only vaguely remember it:

“Um, it starts with, like, ‘I led the pigeons to the flag…?”

If you’re looking for a particularly patriotic American, you could check whether the person has an American flag bumper sticker on their car. Or, if they’re an *extra* patriotic American, a Confederate flag bumper sticker.

This question of uniquely American identifiers occurred to me recently when I happened upon a Reddit thread populated by Europeans titled “What’s an obvious sign someone’s American?” 

Of course, it’s always easy for us to identify Europeans visiting the U.S. For one, they tend to speak English better than we do.

“I sink zee word you are looking for eez ‘eemply,’ not ‘eenfer.’”

Clothing is also often a dead giveaway. Europeans tend to dress more fashionably than those of us in the United States (motto: “Where EVERY day is casual Friday!”). The one exception to this rule is at the beach. There the keen observer can pick out European men by the Speedo-style swimsuits they favor, assuming the suit isn’t obscured from view by the sizable belly hanging down. 

Let’s Dispense with the Pleasantries

Posters to the Reddit thread said they could often spot American tourists from our penchant for sharing a casual “How are you?” to practically anyone we encounter, whether neighbors, waiters, store clerks, the Pope, etc. This is confusing to Europeans because they tend to dispense with such pleasantries and mistakenly conclude that by asking “How are you?”, Americans actually want to know “how” other people “are.” Hardly.

The truth is that this question serves as a mere formality. Most of us want to hear how the Starbucks barista is doing (and vice versa) about as much as we want to hear our great-aunt Agnes describe her cat’s recent bowel obstruction surgery. Admittedly, there are exceptions – maybe you’re one of the folks who will ask the grocery store cashier, “How are you?” and then happily engage in a lengthy interchange, possibly involving reviewing recent Instagram posts on each other’s phones. Which is fine. My only question is: why do I always have to be behind you in line?

As long as we’re only looking for perfunctory interactions, perhaps we’d be better served by replacing the tired exchange of “How are you’s” with a similarly brief but more intriguing exchange – say, by sharing interesting factoids with one another.

“Welcome to Starbucks. ’Stewardesses’ is the longest word in the English language that can be typed on a standard keyboard using only the left hand. Can I take your order?”

“Thanks. Wombats are the only animal with cube-shaped poop. I’ll have a decaf soy latte.”

Europeans are always criticizing Americans for being ignorant and provincial, so imagine how pleasantly surprised they’ll be when we start greeting them with Eurocentric tidbits like “Prague is known as the ‘City of 1000 Spires’” or “Portugal is home to the world’s largest cork forest.”

Lean, Mean Leaning Machines

But to me the most surprising American characteristic mentioned in the Reddit thread was our tendency to lean. Apparently Europeans stand statue-still at all times with their weight evenly distributed on both legs whereas the United States is a nation of inveterate slouchers. During CIA training, prospective agents reportedly have the habit drilled out of them because casually leaning is one of the subtle giveaways that can expose their true nationality. Another is frequently shouting “America, f*ck yeah!”

I’d never thought about leaning as a distinctively American characteristic, but upon further consideration, it does make sense. Think of such iconic American images as James Dean leaning languidly against a telephone pole or a trench coat-clad Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade, waiting shoulder-to-wall in the shadows of a dark alley. And is there a more classic record of American soul music than Lean On Me? 

This uniquely American penchant even extends to the workplace, which is why fast food restaurant managers are so fond of telling loafing employees, “If you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean.”

And can you guess what the number one tourist destination for Americans in Europe is? That’s right, it’s… the Eiffel Tower. But I bet not far behind is the Leaning Tower of Pisa! 

Frankly, it’s a wonder that the eagle on our national seal isn’t leaning against a wall casually filing his or her talons. For authenticity, possibly while behind a counter labeled “Customer Service.”

But the inevitable question that arises is why. Why are Americans so culturally inclined toward, well, inclining?

I appreciated this suggestion offered by Reddit commenter “ForsakenPoptart”:

“We don’t get vacations like the Europeans do — leaning on stuff is the best we can hope for.”

Or, if you ask those proud patriots with the Confederate flag bumper stickers this question, they might say Americans lean so much because we’re tired from kicking ass all the time.

Then again, perhaps it’s all a misunderstanding and Europeans get a skewed perspective from how often we lean in with confusion whenever they use terms we don’t understand like “Celsius,” “manual transmission” and “universal healthcare.”

I like this explanation. Not because it has any validity, mind you, but because it places the blame for our own ignorance on others. And what could be more American than that?

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