PicoBlog

We’re in October now and I know you’re probably itching for my horror movie issues, but you have to wait just a few days more. I think I’m going to start on those next week and I have some absolute gems planned for this, the scariest month. For today though, we have to reflect on a different kind of horror. Imagine you’re one of Hollywood’s hottest actresses and you’re going through some weird public perception stuff with your spouse. However, you were a star in a blockbuster movie, the first of a planned trilogy which means guaranteed work. But when it comes time for the sequel, you decline to take part and instead opt for a part in a ladies’ buddy crime comedy. Yeah, that sounds fun, but you happen to miss out on participating in a sequel that ended up being one of the highest grossing and most popular movies of all time. But how does the buddy comedy do, you may be asking? Not that good. It was a box office flop and a commercial failure, a total bummer. What’s worse is I didn’t even know this movie was a thing until it started appearing in the Walmart $5 DVD bin very soon after release, with a walloping 22% Rotten Tomatoes score added to its legacy. It might work for me, but that’s not the prime place for most people to discover good movies. We all know Katie Holmes was going through a lot of shit during her marriage to Tom Cruise but skipping out on reprising her role as Rachel in The Dark Knight to shoot today’s feature just doesn’t make sense. Oh well, here we are.

What are we watching today? Mad Money, the 2008 crime comedy disaster starring Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah and Katie Holmes as three employees working for the Federal Reserve who hatch a plot to steal the cash they’re responsible for destroying out of circulation. As previously stated, this was a $5 bin mainstay for years and I didn’t end up watching it until one sleepy night last summer where I only half paid attention, so this will be a little bit of a new thing for me. This one was based on a British movie that was based on a real crime that occurred in England so it does have somewhat real source material, but if the critics are to be believed, it doesn’t have much else. Let’s hope Ted Danson’s inclusion helps this one out a little. It was directed by Callie Khouri who wrote Thelma and Louise and directed Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, so I guess I can see there being some hype around this. Unfortunately, it met a pretty sad fate. Let’s hit play and see if the characters themselves can have a better outcome than the sum of their parts.

Our movie begins with a ton of money on the floor and in bags and Bridget Cardigan (Diane Keaton) standing over a toilet attempting to flush it. Her husband Don (Ted Danson) calls for more money, as he’s in a different bathroom also flushing. Jackie Truman (Katie Holmes) is attempting to burn money in her oven. Nina Brewster (Queen Latifah) is burning money in an outdoor fireplace when her son confronts her about what she’s up to. Bridget and Don shred more money while Bridget packs some in bags and runs from the house. Outside her house, a bunch of FBI agents are authorized to move in for an arrest. We move to an interview with Bridget where she states that anyone is capable of anything given the circumstances and tells us about three years earlier.

Bridget is at a Fourth of July party discussing her husband’s losing of his job due to corporate downsizing with a couple including Christopher McDonald. Don sinks into depression after a year of failing to find a job and tells Bridget they need to downsize their house as well, most likely to an apartment. He tells Bridget that they’re $86,000 in debt and their lives are over. Don is defeated, revealing they don’t have health insurance and coming to terms with the fact that they’re going to have to get by on less. Bridget decides to get a job but she is underqualified for most positions she applies for, even being told by one interviewer that women Bridget’s age usually end up being a “pain in the ass” in the workforce. Housekeeper Selina (Sylvia Castro Galan) comes by to tell Bridget that her check has bounced and she wants payment but Bridget doesn’t have any money so she pays her with some sterling silver from the house. Selina suggests Bridget gets a janitorial job with the Federal Reserve as they have job openings for cleaning staff. Her and the staff are under tight surveillance by Glover (Stephen Root) and his team, owing to the nature of the Federal Reserve. Glover notices Bridget looking around in awe and suggests she not pay attention to the money happenings around her as she’s not cleared to deal with that kind of work, just clean monitors. Bridget is brought to the bill destruction area and meets Nina, assisting her with shredding old dollar bills that are being removed from circulation. Bridget is exhausted from her first day of work but she made it.

In an interview with Jackie, she mentions that Bridget said this entire thing started with a broken sink they needed money to fix. Nina confirms, Bridget went “shopping” for sink parts at Home Depot but fell susceptible to the store layout and shopped around, buying a Master lock from Home Depot. She goes about her job taking note of security camera presence and notes the fact that cash touches a lot of hands and you can never really tell who touched it before you. Glover goes over the security systems used to monitor the building as well as the security protocols involving three keys to access the cash being removed from circulation. Bridget keeps detailed notes on her home computer on when the cash becomes vulnerable. Clearly, she’s gonna steal. A realtor goes over the deal for the house sale with Don while Bridget schemes.

One day while cleaning monitors, Bridget begins watching security footage and takes note as to the locations of all cameras during her trash run. She tries to gauge which coworkers would be a good accomplice for her scheme and takes note of Jackie. Nina gets hit on by a security guard named Shaun (Finesse Mitchell) but rejects his advances and Bridget approaches her afterward asking her if she’s ever been tempted to steal money from the job. Nina accuses Bridget of being some kind of mole and tells her no one has ever beat the system, but Bridget insists she’s in a unique position as she empties the trash, implying money stuck in the garbage could be taken by her with impunity. Bridget comes to Nina’s house to discuss this with her, but Nina tells her no. Bridget insists the Master lock she possesses is the key to success and tells her to think it over as Nina and one person who handles carts are all they need.

Bridget leaves a bunch of pamphlets for expensive schools in Nina’s locker, tempting her with the idea of securing money for her children’s education. Nina meets with Bridget in the bathroom and agrees to the plan but tells Bridget if something happens and Nina loses her kids, she will kill Bridget. They then plan on how to recruit Jackie. They meet her in the parking lor and help her as her purse spills, with Nina noting a syringe in her bag. Back in Jackie’s interview, she admits she’s diabetic. Bridget and Nina ask Jackie to dinner and recruit her pretty easily as she seems to have no reservations with the consequences. They discuss logistics of their plan and come up with a code word but come up with a weird signal where they brush their foreheads with their hands. Gee, no way that could go wrong! Bridget and Nina are under the impression that Jackie is on drugs because of the syringe. In her interview, Jackie mentions that she was touched by their concern for her so she never told them she wasn’t a drug addict.

At home, Nina watches the TV show Mad Money which I guess is a tie-in? Nina gives her kids some motivational speech about being stronger than the system or something, I don’t really know. On the day of their heist, we get a tense soundtrack as the women signal to each other to prepare. Jackie is not ready, however, and tells them she has a bad premonition about them going through with it. The other two are pissed, thinking she’s too flighty to be part of the plan. The next day, they do the signal and Jackie is in. Bridget moves around on her job being mindful of the security cameras and carefully swaps her lock with one on a cash cart. Jackie passes Bridget in the hallway where she is told the number of the cart to go for. Jackie gets the cart and leaves. Nina grabs the lock and the number of the cash box from a garbage can in the ladies’ room. Shaun and Glover are being pervy and spying on Nina but it looks like Glover was doing it to roast Shaun. Jackie leans by an elevator with the cart, unlocks the lock with the key and takes wads of cash out, shoving them in the garbage before bringing the cart to Nina in the shredding room where she’ll dispose of the rest and swap the locks back. Meanwhile, Bridget gathers the stolen cash from the garbage can and hides it in the ladies’ room. Their heist is a success! They shove a bunch of cash in their clothes before leaving, acting casual.

They line up for bag checks on the way out of work and Nina flirts with security a little as she’s nervous. Glover is watching on security footage. He storms out looking for Bridget, making her, Nina and Jackie nervous. Glover hands her the security badge she dropped, noting that he watches them every minute. She thanks him and the ladies are clear. They count their cash at Bridget’s and end up with about $30K a piece. Don enters the room and sees them throwing their money around, shocked. Later, Don is upset but Bridget explains that the money was supposed to be destroyed and if they keep stealing destroyable money, no one will be the wiser as it’s not supposed to exist. Don doesn’t want her to do it again but she insists that it’s money for the taking. Don is too worried about the consequences and makes a grand statement saying Bridget may be at risk of throwing off the entire balance of the economy with her scheme in an attempt to dissuade her. Meanwhile, Nina pays for a year’s tuition for her son at a private school and makes jokes at the expense of the racist administrator.

Don is stressed about Bridget depositing money but admits he’s incredibly proud of her and turned on at how badass she was at problem solving. Once she deposits some money, they’re gonna fuck in the bank parking lot. This is a beautiful love story honestly. They continue on their spree for the next six months and go out to dinner celebrating their newly gained fortunes. Bridget suggests they keep going but Don and Nina insist they need to stop now that they got what they needed. Bridget wants more and Jackie agrees. She argues that they’ve all worked hard and deserve this, but I think Bridget was out of the workforce for like 20+ years so maybe she’s not the best candidate to make this argument. Jackie’s boyfriend Bob (Adam Rothenberg) is also on board with continuing. Nina argues that they can’t start spending big money or change their lifestyles as they’d get noticed and then caught. Nina insists they wait until enough time has passed and then they can move somewhere and make the money work for them. Bridget is insistent on lavish purchases but Nina insists she won’t help unless they stick to saving the money.

Bridget buys a $60,000 diamond ring and gets caught by Nina. Nina flushes the ring down the toilet to show she’s serious about them not spending the money, much to Bridget’s horror. Bridget is kind of the enemy in this movie. They got what they wanted and she insists on getting more and going against what’s best for the team. She’s also an enabler. Kind of a shitbag, honestly. During another run, Bridget loses the key down the drain trying to throw it to Nina. They need to call Jackie to get her spare key but they don’t have her number. Bridget calls Don in a panic as Glover watches the cameras. Don goes to meet Bob at his job to try and call Jackie. Jackie has no reason to go downstairs so it’s a no-go for her. Nina stalls on their cashbox as they don’t have the key. Glover confronts Bridget in the bathroom, nothing she spends a lot of time in the bathroom. Bridget decides to throw a tirade asking if his surveillance can tell her why people are shitting and pissing all over the bathroom, making him uncomfortable and sending him out of the bathroom. Meanwhile, Jackie throws the key in a wad of gum in the elevator, sending it downstairs. Bridget retrieves the key from the elevator and runs it to Nina as Barry (Roger Cross), another guard, tries to unlock the box. Bridget tosses Nina the key while calling for security, distracting Barry. Nina gets the box unlocked as Bridget asks Barry his picks for the playoffs. They made it once again.

Don and Bob drink beer together and learn the women got away with it. Don apologizes to Bob for making him lose his job. Barry confronts Nina in the parking lot, letting her know he knows what she’s up to. Barry tells her to stop what they’re doing, as he already knows Bridget is in on it. The ladies go to meet and talk about their options, not knowing if Barry will turn them in or not. They mention how much Barry likes Nina and say she should try and sleep with him to get him to cover for their crimes. Nina suggests they just cut him in instead so she doesn’t have to sell herself out like that. Jackie keeps pressuring Nina to get laid but she doesn’t wanna hear it. Asexual people exist, Jackie, sheesh. Nina goes to Barry’s house where he lives with his mother, as he is her caretaker. Nina asks Barry what he wants for his cut and he implies her. I think this scene is supposed to be romantic but it feels very transactional. Maybe it's just aged poorly in 14 years. She tells him she’s sorry and leaves.

At the job, Bridget confronts Barry in the men’s room about why he doesn’t want Nina. Bridget comes back and tells Nina he just wants a share of the money but not sex, as he really likes her and doesn’t want the deal to complicate that. Okay that’s way better. Jackie and Bridget deem him to be a good guy and Nina is self-conscious about throwing herself at him like that. At the next squad meeting, Nina apologizes to Barry for being too forward and he reiterates that he’s interested in her just not in a transactional way. Cute. They “start from scratch” and start smooching in the coat closet. They’re caught by Bridget who’s fine with it, finally seeing Nina get laid. Don confronts Bridget about stopping what they’re doing but she complains that she wants to spend money. In his interrogation, he admits he just wanted to make her happy.

Don gives everyone stories and appearances of jobs to give them reasons to organize their ill-gotten gains. They all begin to spend a little and stash the rest, but they are gaining a ton of cash. At another pool party, Bridget is finally back in the swing with her old social circle. Don is offered a job based on his fake consulting job and asks Bridget if they can stop and go legit, but Bridget says the money is too good. She then notices a random guy standing at the party watching them. The guy leaves when noticed. During a grab the next day, Jackie is moving a cashbox when Glover intercepts it during a walkthrough to show security protocols. Jackie meets with Nina and Bridget to tell them about that and the fact that the guy who saw Bridget at the party was there. Bridget walks past them and makes eye contact with the guy as Glover goes over their processes. Bridget makes a scene falling over and manages to replace the lock, I think. Glover is in the office with the guy who turns out to be Agent Wayne (Mark Macaulay) who shows photos to Glover claiming there have been thefts which Glover tells him is simply impossible. He tells Wayne that these are simple workers who aren’t capable of theft. Wayne tells Glover he was watching them for months and didn’t notify Glover as they felt his security team was compromised. Glover’s pride ends up winning as he boots Wayne out telling him that there is literally no way anyone could be stealing from his building. Wayne warns that if Glover is wrong, he could be held accountable for stealing from the government.

Bridget calls Don in a panic and they try and decide what to do as Wayne is now interviewing their neighbors in attempts to gain evidence. Bridget insists they can’t turn themselves in as Nina’s kids would be taken away. They all meet and Bridget tells them they must not have any evidence or they’d be arrested already. Bob then admits he’s actually been day-trading, not just pretending as was the fake job assignment. He’s also been investing sums larger than $10,000, so he’s responsible for getting them triggered. Sheesh! The group discusses what to do and realizes they can’t run as they’re being watched. Bridget doesn’t want it to be over because she insists they worked too hard for it to end. Despite how boneheaded it was, Don is impressed by Bob’s investments as they had a large payoff. Barry tells Nina how the interrogation is going to work and insists she rolls on everyone to get a better deal for herself and leniency toward her and her children. Bridget tells Don they can run away but he doesn’t want to have this follow them everywhere, despite how happy he was that they successfully pulled this off until now. Bridget seems to really not give a shit about their kids, which she mentions it doesn’t matter if they never tell them where they’ve gone as the kids never call now as it is. What a lovely mother. I wonder why they never call.

That night, we see everyone destroying as much money as they can like in the beginning. Now we know why Bridget took off with the bag. She’s trying to make a run for it against everyone else’s wishes. Bob and Jackie take off in an RV as their trailer explodes with the cash in it, but they are quickly surrounded by police. Barry is caught loading his trunk with cash in Country Crock tubs. Nina is caught burning a giant pile of cash in her yard. Agents enter the Cardigan home and bust Don flushing money and drilling a hole in the wall to stuff more money in. Wayne notices Bridget slip away in a car and gives chase. She checks into a hotel under “Miss Capone” using a pile of cash in lieu of a card as everyone is arrested. Don is upset that Bridget ran away. Bob refuses to be interrogated without a lawyer present. The detectives try and get Don to turn on Bridget, reminding him that she left him. The officers try and use Nina’s kids as a bargaining chip to get her to roll on the crew. Meanwhile, Wayne approaches Bridget and tells her they have no idea how much she took. She tells him he can’t arrest her because he’s just a bank examiner. He asks why someone like her would do something like this. She tells him she thinks crime is contagious. She says everyone else involved didn’t really get anything out of it. Wayne suggests they got a large untraceable fortune and she tells him to prove it.

Nina is ready to take a deal but they tell her that “the girl” is going to tell them everything as long as Nina gets to walk and go free to her kids. Bridget shows up at Christopher McDonald’s house with a ton of cash to get him, a tax attorney, to come down to the station and revoke the deal so he can confer with “his clients” as he claims he represents all arrested, including Barry and Don. Christopher McDonald makes a very good case that there’s no case against them and that it’d be impossible for them to do it for three years without detection. Glover is too stubborn to even admit he may have been swindled and reservedly tells the feds that there is no way he could have been robbed, as everything was accounted for. An IRS agent steps in however and claims everyone has violated tax laws by not reporting the money they did have.

Christopher McDonald tells the gang their deal is they get to walk away scot-free as long as they hand over the rest of their money for the fees and penalties. They all happily do so and walk outside free people again. The girls hug and Bridget tells them all they should have known she wouldn’t leave them in there. Her selfish running was for the great of the group. I guess she’s not totally awful after all! Everyone parts ways while sad music plays. Eight months later, the gals meet up at their old watering hole for a reunion. Nina and Barry have gotten married. Bob got his job back and Jackie is a waitress. Jackie suggests a scam involving beef as Bob has access to it. Bridget mentions that her and Don are moving to the Caribbean to open a B&B. Bridget mentions that she keeps a little “mad money” (THEY SAID THE TITLE!) around for a rainy day. She takes them to the bar’s basement where she had previously stashed a whole lot of the stolen money that had never been seen by the feds. Or I don’t know, the bar owner was laundering it? Nina mentioned when she came in that the place has really improved in the last few months. Is that because Bridget paid him off and he got renovations or was he laundering her stolen money for her? Just saying those bills they’re throwing around look very green, but that’s our movie.

So yeah, not the worst thing ever but absolutely no Dark Knight. Not sure if this was Katie Holmes’s best career move, as she was definitely the least focused-on of the three women, but hey I just hope she’s happy. I tried to imagine Dark Knight using the characters and actors from this movie but I gave myself a headache. If you’d like to give yourself a headache doing the same, you’ll need to watch this first. it’s currently streaming on a lot of the free apps like Tubi, plus Prime. Movies like that, ones that just show up anywhere for free, truly carry the spirit of the $5 bin with them into the streaming age. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

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