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Share Don't Threaten Me with a Good Lifetime

You know what sounds nice right now? Low stakes. Just, nothing much happening. Not a lot of consequences. Doesn’t that sound nice? This movie is basically that! It’s very noisy along the way, but here’s what I don’t have to issue a content warning for: murder! Refreshingly, nobody gets murdered in this one. Content warnings for child abuse and neglect, and drug use, and extremely intense monarchism, though.

We open in the nightmare of a tween girl named Lizzy, dreaming about the time her shitty mom told her she wasn’t special, she was nothing, and then overdosed and died. Lizzy wakes up in her adoptive mom’s house and goes downstairs to have an argument with her older stepsister Allie, which wakes up Lizzy’s mom and Allie’s dad, who tell Allie to go home. No, says Allie, because her mom is “the craziest bitch in Philadelphia,” and she just wants to stay here. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Lifetime movie set in Philadelphia! Wow. The state bird is the ruffed grouse! Anyway, I had to watch this scene a few times to sort out the familial relationships, but: Lizzy is Julianna’s adopted daughter, Allie is Greg’s daughter, Greg and Julianna are not married but they live together (in sin). Okay? Okay. Julianna takes Lizzy back to bed and tells her that Allie probably won’t end up living with them, but also please don’t argue with her so much.

In the morning, Greg announces that he got a commission from some lady to do a painting, because she saw his show in New York. That show in New York built this house! Thank god he doesn’t have to take that job his brother was offering him. Yeah, god, how ridiculous it would be to have steady employment on offer for you whenever you want it. Disgusting! How could a person live like that. Allie is a teenaged jerk about this news. So, Greg’s an artist, huh? That’s fun! I look forward to seeing an art.

Lizzy goes to day camp and tells her friend Finley lies about her “real” family, how she’s incredibly rich and her mother died in a plane crash and people were just champing at the bit to adopt her, but she’s really happy now. Her new mom is perfect! Her dead mom was too, of course. When Julianna picks her up, Lizzy tells her that she doesn’t even know who her dad is, and Julianna decides to get her a DNA test. Exciting! This won’t tell her anything about her dad, but still, you know, exciting! It’s a thrill to feed your genetic material into the maw of a for-profit company that can then do whatever it wants with it, I get it.

A week passes, which is enough time for Greg to be well on his way to finishing his commission. It’s a painting. It’s got some colors on it. More importantly, the DNA results are back! Lizzy’s test shows that she’s a little French and Italian, mostly German (yawn yawn yawn who cares, you’re a white person), and also that her maternal great great grandmother was a Wittelsbaum! What’s a Wittelsbaum, you ask? Well, it’s just far enough away from “Wittelsbach” to be not legally actionable, and the House of Wittelsbach is a German-Bavarian dynasty whose descendants currently occupy every throne in Europe. Isn’t that fun? It’s so fun! Lizzy doesn’t know what a Wittelsbaum is, or what “nobility” means (she’s 12 but whatever, we all have gaps in our vocabulary), but she’s very excited to learn that she is basically a princess. She tells one of her dolls that she’s not a nobody, she’s a princess, and gets a book called Princesses Around the World, from which she learns the word “patrilineal.” I hope she also learns the words “republic” and “guillotine” at some point.

Lizzy’s obsession with the princess thing swiftly escalates to the murderboard stage. I say “murderboard” often enough that Google Docs doesn’t try to correct me anymore, that’s something to know about me. Allie, who is indeed living with them full-time now, pokes her head in to peer at the murderboard of Wittelsbaums and princesses and tells Lizzy that if she goes around telling people she’s a princess, she’s just going to embarrass herself. Julianna reassures her daughter that the murderboard is like, fine, and the princess thing is okay, but that they’re her family, not the Wittelsbaums. Lizzy points out that she and Greg aren’t married, so he’s not really her family, and also she doesn’t want them to get married, because then Allie will always be here, and Lizzy will never get to be a princess because she’ll be stuck in Philadelphia with her garbage family. This is a very relatable problem. I assume that’s why all my friends in Philadelphia are there. That night, Lizzy steals a credit card out of her mom’s wallet and then overhears a conversation between Greg and Julianna about finding out if Lizzy can actually claim a title. Julianna wants to find out, and Greg says that she can do that if she wants, but some things are better left unknown. Oh, Lizzy doesn’t care for that at all!

At day camp, Lizzy draws a self-portrait labeled “Lizzy Wittelsbaum” and natters on to her friend Finley about how she actually is a princess, now all she has to do is get her mom to marry eligible bachelor Daniel Wittelsbaum and then they’ll all be royalty and they’ll live in a castle and they’ll never have problems again. Finley helpfully suggests that she email the prince or whatever, and then figure out what restaurants he eats at so she can bump into him there, in Germany. Finley is a problem solver! The camp counselor, Ms. Mila, then announces an upcoming overnight, weeklong arts camp, which will culminate with a performance of Cinderella, broadcast by a local TV station. Lizzy informs everyone that she will be playing Cinderella, and don’t bother with auditions, because she is a real princess. Everyone laughs at her, and here is another thing Lizzy doesn’t care for at all! “If people know what’s good for them, they’ll stop ignoring me,” she fumes. They’re not ignoring you, Lizzy, they’re actively laughing at you. Is that better, or worse? You decide!

At Julianna’s job, which looks very fancy, a coworker offers to get her genealogist uncle to do the research into Lizzy’s Wittelsbaum roots, and then Julianna picks up Lizzy and heads home, to a living room stuffed full of princess-related garbage. Dresses and play castles and tiaras and so many things, which Lizzy cheerfully informs her mom she bought with her credit card. She needs this stuff, otherwise how will people know she’s a princess? Julianna tries to tell her she might not be a princess, and Lizzy replies, “so what am I? A duchess??” and Allie triumphantly says, “you’re nothing.” Oh. Oh no. That is not a nice thing to say to anyone, let alone a child with a history of severe neglect and abuse. Allie, come on. Lizzy screams and grabs a princess dress and runs to her room, and Allie tells her dad that she wasn’t trying to antagonize her, she was just being a jerk to her because Lizzy always gets what she wants. Give her a fucking break, in my opinion. Julianna comforts Lizzy while also explaining the concept of “credit” but lets her keep all the junk she bought. She tells Lizzy that she’s special not because she has a drop of royal blood, but because of who she is, and she could have adopted any kid, but she picked Lizzy. They hug, and Lizzy has a nice daydream about people smiling at her and taking her picture while she wears a tiara. I can’t imagine her duties as a minor member of a European royal family would extend beyond that, so that seems fine.

Back at day camp (which is just like, in a room at the rec center, if you were wondering), the counselor Ms. Mila tells Lizzy that unfortunately, the camp where they’ll be performing Cinderella was overbooked, and she got bumped. Lizzy sneers at her that she can’t talk to her like that, don’t you know who I am? Well, you’re a twelve-year-old girl who’s not going to art camp, I can tell you that much. Or is she? Because she sneaks a peek at the other campers’ registrations, and notices one of them, a girl named Bronwyn, is severely allergic to penicillin. When she gets home, Lizzy puts on a tiara and hunts through medicine cabinets and bedside drawers for penicillin, then crushes it up with a stapler and slides it into an envelope. Then she goes to bed and has a lovely dream about getting a manicure while her mom tells her that Daniel Wittelsbaum asked her to marry him, someday she’ll be queen! Queen of Germany? Queen…...of Germany. Queen of Bavaria? Queen of our hearts?

In the morning, Lizzy’s friend Finley shows her a thing about how the Wittelsbaum castle is going to be open to the public for a week, for people to sit on the lawn and have picnics and see how the nobles live. Isn’t that...nice. Of them. Lizzy sneaks the powdered antibiotic in Bronwyn’s orange juice and then sits back and smiles while she gasps for air and goes into shock. Good luck, Bronwyn! I already told you nobody gets murdered though. When Julianna picks Lizzy up, Lizzy begs to go to the garden party thing at the castle, but it is in TWO WEEKS, which is kind of late notice for her work. What is her work? I don’t know! She wears suits though. Julianna brings it up with Greg, who thinks it sounds fun, they should all go, plus he already finished his painting. You know, sometimes, you just get really inspired, and you just paint the hell out of some colors, and shapes, and then you’re done!

When Lizzy’s mom tells her that they’ll all be going to Germany in two weeks, she is not thrilled that Greg and Allie will be coming too, but she sucks it up and goes to day camp. Today they will be making baking soda volcanoes! There does not seem to be a clear mission statement for this day camp, other than “keeping children busy.” Ms. Mila tells them to be careful not to get the vinegar on the outside of the volcano, because vinegar ruins paint. I’m not sure how they will be accomplishing this, or why the preservation of the paint on the outside of the volcano is so crucial, but it does teach Lizzy how to ruin paint. I wonder how she will apply this arcane knowledge! Oh, also, poisoning her fellow camper worked, Bronwyn is out of the ER but in recovery, and Lizzy gets to go to arts camp. Everything is coming up Lizzy!

The night before arts camp, Lizzy takes the world’s tiniest bottle of white vinegar out of the kitchen and pours it down Greg’s finished and wrapped painting. It’s such a small bottle! Like Tabasco sized. Now Greg will have to fix the painting and he’ll be too busy to come with them to Germany! This plan could only have been hatched by a twelve year old; it uses only common household items and it doesn’t make any sense at all. Then she goes to arts camp, in a beautiful old house, where she gets to room with Finley. It’ll be fun, she won’t try to murder anyone at all, probably!

Back at home, Allie shows Greg the dress she bought for the garden party, which she’s pretty excited about, even if she thinks Lizzy sucks, as a human. Greg, who is skimming leaves off the surface of their beautiful in-ground pool (can someone tell me how much a house with a large in-ground pool would cost in Philadelphia, because I’m guessing it’s: $a lot), decides to do some Parenting. He explains that when he met Julianna, she didn’t have kids but really wanted to adopt, and when the adoption agency called her about this neglected 10-year-old girl who saw her mom die, she wanted to do the best for this child. And you know what? She could really use a big sister. Allie softens, and agrees that she can do her best too. That was all it took? One chat on a poolside chaise longue? Very efficient parenting.

It’s arts camp time! Finley and Lizzy immediately get in trouble for playing in an off-limits field, and get a scolding from Ms. Mila, because there are coyotes and poison ivy out there. Oh, Lizzy hates Ms. Mila so much. Then another counselor, Drew, explains how the auditions for Cinderella will work, and some girl announces that she was Cinderella in her school play last year, so she already knows the lines. Oh, Lizzy hates this girl so much.

Greg is really feeling himself and his Gregness, his dadness, until the woman who bought his painting calls and says it’s ruined! It has a big streak down the middle and it reeks of vinegar. I don’t know, maybe that’s Art. Art smells like vinegar, deal with it, baby! He goes to pick up the painting, and while it does smell, the damage isn’t as bad as he feared, he’ll be able to fix it in a couple days. But! Lizzy’s foolproof plan! It’s in shambles!

Lizzy's friend Finley is running lines with Madison, the girl who played Cinderella in the school play last year and could not be named anything besides Madison. Lizzy creeps up on them and tells Madison that if she even tries out for this part, Lizzy will hurt her. Madison replies that she's a psycho, and Lizzy reminds her that she's not a psycho, she's a princess. They're not mutually exclusive. Also, it is starting to dawn on Finley that Lizzy might be like, going through some things. Lizzy calls her mom, who tells her that Greg's painting was damaged but he'll fix it in plenty of time to go to Germany with them. Lizzy is furious to learn that her tiny bottle of vinegar was as ineffectual against the painting as it would be against chemtrails, and she picks up a picture of Daniel Wittelsbaum and yells at it to DO SOMETHING if he wants to MARRY her MOM. “I haff been tryingk to do somethingk,” the printed out photo huffs Teutonically. No, it doesn’t. That would be more of a PERFECT SISTERS: DTMWaGL #13 vibe. But Lizzy has an idea: didn’t Ms. Mila say there was poison ivy out in that field? She can work with that. What this movie has forced me to realize is that I would absolutely be thwarted by a determined twelve year old. I simply do not have the wherewithal to fight back in any way. Vinegar? Poison ivy? I’m done, take it, I don’t care anymore.

While Madison tattles on Lizzy for threatening her, Lizzy goes to collect some poison ivy, helpfully leaving her tablet open to a page about the plant. Ms. Mila finds her in the field and tells her she is going to have to expel her from camp for threatening another student. Lizzy coldly informs her that she has to be Cinderella, she has to be on TV, everyone has to know she’s a princess, and then she fights Ms. Mila for her phone. Also, it turns out they were at the edge of a little cliff, because down goes Ms. Mila. It’s a short cliff though. She might be fine! Does anyone get murdered in this movie? I have answered this already. Lizzy grabs Ms. Mila’s flashlight, which has her name on it (it is daytime but you can’t be too prepared for darkness) and heads back to the house.

Enough time passes that the other counselor, Drew, calls the cops because no one can find Mila, and then Finley finds the flashlight under Lizzy’s pillow. Why did Lizzy not just peel the label off the flashlight? Because she’s twelve, and bad at this. Finley hears Lizzy coming and hides the flashlight under her own pillow, despite having just clearly established that that is a terrible hiding spot. Finley tells Lizzy that she knows what she did: steal Ms. Mila’s flashlight! Lizzy is relieved at her friend’s lack of violent imagination, and immediately tattles to Drew that Finley stole the flashlight, I bet she has it right now. Finley immediately caves and hands over the flashlight, and Lizzy claims she showed it off saying, “finders keepers, losers weepers.” Drew clearly believes Lizzy, I assume because Lizzy and Drew are white and Finley is Black, and he keeps asking Finley where she found the flashlight. They go out to some random field and Finley finally just points somewhere and says that’s where she found it, because people confess to crimes they didn’t commit all the time. All the time! Why is this so difficult to believe, for a jury. Lizzy is satisfied that if anything bad happens to Ms. Mila, Finley will take the blame, and she stalks off. And then someone finally finds Mila! They couldn’t have been more than fifty yards from the house, but also I’m really incredibly bad at estimating distances, so actually don’t believe me, but like, you can see the house from there. An unconscious Mila is taken away, and the campers are gathered together. Drew tells them Ms. Mila is in a coma, and that because she was in charge of the play, there will be no Cinderella this year. “That’s a load of crap!” says Lizzy, who has already been expelled, and who is now expelled even harder. I think now she has to be catapulted off the premises.

Oh, I think Julianna is an architect! That makes sense, it is one of the six jobs available to a person in a Lifetime movie. She’s looking over some blueprints at home when camp calls her and tells her the catapult is ready, come catch your daughter. In the car home, Lizzy complains about the play being cancelled, because when her bio mom died, nothing was cancelled, she went to school the next day and everything. I think the correct response is somewhere in the middle? Closer to the play cancellation. She’s furious that she won’t be on TV, but she assures her mom that she wasn’t really going to hurt that other girl, those were empty threats. Really good defense here from Lizzy. It is the same strategy as the credit card thing, and that worked! And you know what, as long as Lizzy is saying things, she doesn’t want Greg and Allie to come to Germany, because then Julianna will never get to marry Daniel Wittelsbaum! “??????” replies Julianna, who is rescued by a phone call from the coworker who was looking into Lizzy’s Wittelsbaum claim. She is too far removed from the family to have a title, unfortunately, so no she is not a princess, or a duchess, or a lady, or a marchioness, or other words that I don’t remember off the top of my head. Lizzy cries and says she just wanted to be special, and when her mom tells her that she is special, she replies, “but I’m not a princess,” which is objectively true.

When they get home, Lizzy’s tantrum continues until the police call, because Ms. Mila is awake and she mentioned Lizzy. Lizzy, for her part, would correctly prefer not to talk to the cops, but Allie tells her she has to, and it’s not that bad, and also they can tell if you’re lying. Allie! This is a bad look. Lie to cops, it’s fun, it’s allowed. But Allie also tells her that she’s sorry she’s not a princess, and Lizzy agrees to talk to the police, if she can take a shower first.

Instead of taking a shower, Lizzy grabs the plane tickets out of her mom’s purse and goes out the front door with her suitcase. Julianna realizes Lizzy is gone and sees her tablet open to a taxi service, and that she took the plane tickets. It really is convenient for the adults in her life that Lizzy hasn’t figured out how to lock her iPad. They don’t have to do any deductive reasoning at all, just like you! Also, if Lizzy can go to Germany on a moment’s notice, she must already have a passport, which probably means she’s been on an airplane before, which also probably means she should know you can’t just show up with a ticket for a flight a few days from now and redeem it like a voucher for a plane right now, but you know what, I am sweating the details. I’m doing it wrong. Let’s let what passes for a climax in this movie pull us along like an undertow. Julianna and Allie take off in separate cars to find Lizzy. When Julianna calls the taxi company to tell them they just picked up her runaway daughter, the cabbie turns around to bring her home, and Lizzy just jumps out of the car and runs for it, ending up locked in the bathroom of a pizza place. 

Allie very quickly finds Lizzy and tries to coax her out, because everyone wants to help her, but she won’t because she’ll get arrested, on account of all the bad things she did. She kind of pushed Ms. Mila off a cliff! She ruined Greg’s painting! She was going to put poison ivy in Allie’s pajamas! She doesn’t want help, she wants to get to the castle in Germany, where the police won’t be able to get her. Another word Lizzy could learn is “extradition.” Allie tries to tell her about this thing which, to me, Amelia, sounds fake: you can be mad at someone and still like and love them? I don’t know about this. Allie also tells Lizzy that it’s fine to be normal, it’s fine to not be a princess and just be in a family. She promises Lizzy she’ll come talk to the cops with her, and trying really hard to be a big sister and she’s doing okay I think. Julianna is here now too, and she tells Lizzy that she hopes she isn’t sitting on the floor of a public bathroom. She is. But she’s coming out now! She hugs her mom and her sister and they order mochas and Lizzy promises she’ll never do this again. It’s a pretty specific situation to repeat, so that seems like a safe bet. 

And now it is some later time, several months I guess??? Because it used to be summer, and now Allie is graduating from high school! And Lizzy is ready to go! Her therapist says she’s doing great! She got a card for her sister and wrote “love, Lizzy” in it and everything! They take a family photo, and that’s? it? The movie is over now? I guess?

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