Money Is The Answer For Everything
(Credit: Flickr Creative Commons)
Did you know I still have a Substack?
Me either.
In my defense, today is the first day in a long, long time that I've been able to sit down for longer than a few minutes to rest, let alone make good words on computer.
Yeah, I’ve still got it.
Between the book tour, trolling fundies with billboards, and shamelessly self-promoting my book at every turn - oh and family and all that other life stuff - it turns out making time to regularly write on my Substack has been…elusive. But the kids are finally back in school and while I can’t promise any new regularity in my substacking, I do look forward to having more time to do that now.
But there is sometime far more urgent than my writing calendar that I need to share with you because it’s completely turned my world upside down.
It turns out that Jesus was wrong.
He may have been fine without money (though he did end up being nailed to a cross, so maybe “fine” isn’t the right word), but he was dead wrong about that giving your stuff to the poor nonsense. (Sorry, I’m a dad and I’m addicted to puns)
The Bible is clear: money is the answer for everything.
I know, I know. It sounds crazy. But it is and I can prove it.
You see, I was watching an old episode of 30 Rock recently as all good and decent people should do in whatever spare time they may have even if they should be using that spare time to play with their kids or actually writing something on their Substack for all those folks who kindly subscribed excepting something to appear in their inbox from time to time and even though I had seen this particular episode at least a zillion times before, I noticed a small detail I hadn’t noticed before.
The episode in question is Season 1, Episode 15 according to the google.
The rest of the episode is irrelevant. What matters for our purposes (and probably our souls) is a protest that takes place outside 30 Rockefeller Plaza where several NBC employees are protesting their low pay. One of those employees is holding up a sign and on that sign is written a Bible verse. Not the text, just the reference.
The verse is Ecclesiastes 10:19.
Which says…
A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.
It’s a brilliant background joke, but more importantly its indisputable rock solid theology. I mean, I don’t know how you could possibly argue with that verse.
The Bible is pretty clear. Money is the answer to everything and, frankly, if you disagree you’re disagreeing with God.
Sorry, I don’t make the rules. The fundamentalists do and they have been very clear that any verse from the Bible can be ripped out of the Bible and any relevant context or common sense or even basic human decency stripped to make that verse say whatever you want it to…in the name of God.
Now, you may be thinking to yourself, “Self, did Zack just clickbait me into another one of his shameless self-promotion stunts?”
The answer to that question, of course, is yes. Please buy my book.
But there’s more to it than that.
I’d also love for you to take advantage of my standing offer to come speak for free about Godbreathed either in person or virtually, all I ask is you cover the cost to get me there.
Ok, sorry. I’m a writer with a small platform. If we’re not constantly self-promoting our work we will literally shrivel up and die. Or at least our writing careers will.
But I do hope this post gave you a good laugh and if laughter really is the best medicine, then maybe, just maybe laughter could be a great way to begin unlearning some of the toxic theology a lot of us were brought up to believe.
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