No Mow May: Pros and Cons

There’s this thing now called No Mow May. It’s where you don’t mow your lawn all month and let the grass and the weeds run wild. Some people feel strongly about its benefits. Others have never heard of it, or they have and they don’t care. Wondering if “No Mow May” is for you? I broke down the best arguments for and against.

PRO: Letting your grass and weeds grow and bloom provides food and shelter for pollinators like bees and butterflies early in the season.

CON: Your yard looks like a pile of shame.

PRO: You’ll get pops of spring color.

CON: I’m over here sweating my rear off keeping my yard nice, and you get to look at my nice yard all month. But the rest of us are forced to look at the gaping insult to decency and civilization that is your property. Not fair, Moonbeam.

PRO: Less pollution.

CON: You own .2 acres of land. Unless you normally mow it with Leonardo DiCaprio’s personal jet, you’re not saving the planet.

PRO: Saves time and energy.

CON: Save time? Bro. You live in a ranch in the suburbs. Are you participating in an upcoming event that requires so much rest and preparation that mild physical exercise for 45 minutes once a week will prove to be the difference between success and failure? Oh, will you be fending off the Russians in Kharkiv for the next two years? Are you one of those guys who changes the light bulbs on top of 2,000-foot radio towers? Are you fighting Conor McGregor on a Dublin wharf? No? Then you don’t have to save your energy. Mow.

PRO: Your lawn may teach you things by letting it grow.

CON: Yes, there is SO MUCH one can learn from a small patch of earth hemmed in unnaturally by concrete. Like, how big will your weeds get before your neighbors call the city? How many ticks can live in one person’s yard? And how many nights until someone dumps a body next to the porch? Yes, yes, there is so much knowledge to glean from Quackgrass Gaia. Speak to me, Ancestral Yard Mother, of the beauty and wonder of unchecked thistle weeds.

In conclusion

I don’t like No Mow May because I can no longer tell who’s just a misguided hippie and who’s actually a terrible neighbor. If you’re a terrible neighbor, that’s something I need to know because we all share a street together. If it’s going down on our block, I need to know who I can rely on. No Mow May completely throws off how harshly and accurately I judge my neighbors.

See: CHART.

Dandelion/Personal Character Conversion Chart

0 dandelions = Solid neighbor; would hide a weapon for you no questions asked
Under 10 dandelions = I assume you’re generally on top of things and these just sprouted up; would drink driveway beers with you
10-50 dandelions = You care just enough to not want to be ashamed but not enough to want to be proud; your character is in question
50-100 dandelions: I would offer to mow your lawn for you, but you haven’t been outside to socialize in 3 years; your neighbors believe every rumor they hear about you because with that yard no one will defend your honor
Over 100 dandelions: There are pet carcasses in your basement; I will someday be asked about you by a TV news crew

I say No More to No Mow May.

What say you?

Almeda Bohannan

Update: 2024-12-03

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