On Posh, Becks And Moving For Your Man
I am a living example for not moving (especially countries) for your man. Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham is possibly the most successful enduring trailing spouse.
I watched the David Beckham docuseries on Netflix awhile ago and while I was intrigued by Golden Balls’ origin story, from his demanding dad to his kitchen-scrubbing OCD (now that’s hot!), what really struck a nerve was how Posh consistently put her own life and happiness on hold to move countries and continents in support of her husband.
There were excruciating moments like when Posh didn’t immediately move to Madrid with David because of their kids’ schooling and news of his multiple affairs blew up—while Posh was pregnant with their third child.
I remember reading about those affairs back when they happened in 2003. I also remember reading a Vogue profile (I think it was) after Posh gave birth to their third child, Cruz. While recovering from labor, Victoria was eating like lettuce leaves with a handful of cherry tomatoes. David suggested she eat more food and she snapped at him, “You don’t like fat girls.”
Ouch. That hurt me then and hurts me even more now, being both a mother and a cheated-on wife. I can imagine the pain of those betrayals, especially during pregnancy and birth, when we women can feel very vulnerable, the very least like our usual, fabulous selves.
It’s the old adage, “Behind every great man is a great woman,” yet when is that great woman (even one as famous and successful in her own right as Victoria Beckham) really, truly acknowledged for her long-suffering sacrifices?
The difference between Posh and the rest of us expat wives is that she has the resources (read: money, connections) to get out of her marriage—no matter where her divorce is happening.
As difficult as divorce is for most people, especially women due to (usually) less financial stability, it is so many times worse when you’re divorcing in a foreign country. I know many, many women (and some men) who are stuck in a foreign country, following a divorce and custody battle with their foreign spouses. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but 9 times out of 10, the expat will lose a court battle in their foreign spouse’s home country.
SO, before you traipse off into what seems like a whirlwind love adventure of marrying and moving countries for your spouse, please think carefully about these things—which I didn’t, to my and my children’s detriment.
Before you leap into your new expat marriage, ask yourself these questions:
Do you want to leave it all behind?
Before moving countries, or even states, seriously reflect on whether you want to leave behind home, family, friends, professional networks and cultural references. Yes, it is thrilling to announce to all and sundry that you’re getting the hell out of dodge for new adventures in Europe! Asia! Minnesota! But once the initial thrill wears off, you’re going to be dealing with Europe! Asia! Minnesota! on the daily. Language and cultural barriers will loom larger than you think—as will homesickness and loneliness.
Do you speak the language of wherever you’re headed?
Before I moved to France, I was proficient in French (it was my undergrad minor and I did a semester abroad in Paris). Still, my translate-everything-in-my-head-first level of French was exhausting 24/7. Sometimes, it was easier to just not leave the house so I wouldn’t have to do French. At first, I also spoke somewhat better than I understood—Parisians talk quickly. This often left me speechless and bewildered at all-French dinner parties or even at the local butcher. (Still have no idea how to say “pork butt” in French.)
As someone who loves words, it was demoralizing to feel like my true personality was halved or even quartered because I couldn’t make jokes or be clever in my new “home” country. My identity, my sense of self, really took a hit. This is a major cause of expat depression.
Should your marriage not work out, you need to be prepared to handle legal matters in a foreign language. It is a stratum of torture you can’t imagine until you have to. I hope you never do.
Even if you’re an American moving to England (let’s say), the cultural gap will be wide. Don’t think that just because you speak the language, you actually speak their language. That takes time to learn and years to master.
Do you even like this country, state, city?
This seems like a stupid question, but it’s important. I have always hated Paris since I spent 5 months there as a student. I clashed with the people, the culture, the gray, rainy chill. When I left at the age of 20, I thought to myself, “I never need to go back there.” And I didn’t, until a decade later when a group of us decided to celebrate my best friend’s birthday there. Yep, that’s the weekend I met my future ex-husband.
I did not move to France to fulfill some Emily-in-Paris fantasies. I moved there for the man I married. This was a mistake. As much as I was in love with the idea of marrying and moving countries, I never felt at ease in my new home. I adapted, but I never felt like I belonged. In France, I felt more American than ever.
Maybe some people grow to love people and places. I’m of the mind that you feel it when it fits. France and I never did.
Do you love the place? Or just your partner? And when you stop loving your partner, will you want to stay in the place?
What about money?
Money, specifically how you make it and how much financial agency you have, needs to be a huge consideration before leaving your home country and career. Skip this if you’re independently wealthy. For everyone else, you need to have several serious conversations with your spouse around how the finances will be handled in your relationship—since it’s unlikely you’ll have the same career and salary as you did back home. You’ll need to go over household budget, savings, investments, kid expenses, vacation budget, insurance, retirement—who’s contributing what—and how domestic/emotional labor is compensated.
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