PicoBlog

Well, well, well! Here we are at ‘Memorial Day’, another American holiday that purports to be about one thing but winds up being about something else entirely. In this case, honoring the fallen fighters of foreign wars by having a barbecue.

The reason no one finds that befuddling is because the collision of several disparate elements is a holiday idea that Americans no longer question. Most of our holidays became untethered from their intended moorings and drifted off into the larger ocean of menu planning and mattresses a long time ago. It has occurred to everyone at some point that Easter baskets filled with candy delivered by a bunny and the resurrection of Jesus Christ are a study in cognitive dissonance. But maybe it is cognitive dissonance that holds our best holidays together. Here’s another example: this large white inflatable monster that occupies a place of honor next to Santa and his sleigh every December at the most Christmassy house in my neighborhood. I am not sure who he is. My best guess is the abominable snowman.

But back to Memorial Day: when I googled “How to celebrate Memorial Day” the most practical suggestion I saw was “Don't wish anyone a “HAPPY Memorial Day.” ‘Happy’ sends the wrong message on this somber occasion of grilling hot dogs and hamburgers. Speaking as a vegan, I am a better fit for this particular apophenia than most. ( Yes, I said apophenia. And it just so happens I spent a lot of time trying to find the word for this, so don’t give me none of your back-talk. It means ‘creating a meaningful correlation between unrelated things’. Now I’m sure you’re going to tell me that you knew that already. Whew. Leave it to you.)

ANYWAY, I was once discussing the puzzling underpinnings of America’s holidays with my friend, the exalted comedian Elayne Boosler, and we decided that all American holidays fall into one of three categories: 1.Your Barbecue holidays 2. Your Roasting holidays, and 3. Your Mattress Holidays.

It is also important to note that many, if not all, of the most important holidays are Double Holidays. Memorial Day is, of course, both A Barbecue Holiday and A Mattress holiday.

What I am saying is that THE MOST IMPORTANT HOLIDAYS fall into the following categories:

1. The Barbecue holidays: (Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4th of July )

2. The Roasting holidays: (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter.)

3. The Mattress holidays: (Memorial day, Labor Day, 4th of July, President’s day, New Year’s Day, Veteran’s Day.)

4. The DOUBLE holidays: (Memorial Day, Labor Day, Independence Day, Veteran’s Day.)

Although most of the holidays are double holidays, President’s Day is a mattress-only holiday because it has yet to inspire anyone to barbecue or roast. An interesting way to celebrate would be to pick a president and then have to eat his favorite meal. But in holiday construction terms, that is probably too logical a follow thru.

According to Wikipedia, the word holiday comes from the Old English word hāligdæg (hālig "holy" + dæg "day") and originally referred only to special religious days. That, of course, means there are wildly differing connotations depending on the culture. While some cultures designate their holidays to symbolize spiritual visions or heroic events, in our culture, the celebration of a good holiday tends to be an elaborate menu plan and a nap. And that is how, little by little, mattresses found their way into the beating heart and soul of most of our holidays.

That is why almost all of our MOST IMPORTANT holidays have at least SOME connection to mattress sales. To prove my point, have a look at this holiday mattress sale compilation I made that even includes an Earth Day mattress sale, indicating that as holidays go, Earth Day is definitely rising in status.

Similarly, Superbowl Sunday now has all the markings of an official national holiday, including mattress sales. When, as it must, it finally is ascends to federal holiday status, it will also carve out A BRAND NEW HOLIDAY CATEGORY: THE SNACKING HOLIDAY. Perhaps Halloween, which does not traditionally come with a dinner menu, will then fall into this category. This will make them both DOUBLE Snacking/Mattress holidays.

Even MLK Day has quite a few mattress sales, which I confess still strikes me as inappropriate and kind of shocking.

When you consider the omnipresence of the mattress as a mostly unacknowledged holiday signifier, it is surprising that it has never been given its own holiday. After all, Mattress Day makes as solid an American spiritual statement as many of the other holidays. It even connects easily to a menu of food (Breakfast in Bed!) and related sales events (Sheets! Comforters! Duvet covers! Sleep aids! Sex aids!) As holidays go, it would probably fit neatly into a combination Mattress Holiday and Snacking holiday. It’s an idea whose time may have finally come!

To conclude our discussion on the elements of our approach to holiday celebrations, let us look briefly at the spiritual significance of the food choices offered at the barbecues held on The Double holidays such as Memorial Day.

Most barbecues traditionally feature an assortment of badly burned edibles, ranging from charred chicken or blistered hot dogs to scorched vegetables. But a perusal of on-line barbecue photographs points us directly to which barbecue food is, in fact, the most sacred. There appears to be a transcendent and even a spiritual element to consumption of The Barbecued Hamburger. Observe, if you will, the intensity of the love that these celebrants bring to the experience.

I used the word “spiritual” because I was intrigued by the way that these internet hamburger consumers appear to be actually making out with their burgers. The visibility of their tongues suggests that they are experiencing some sort of transcendent alteration in consciousness, perhaps placing the hamburger into the class of vision-producing substances commonly used in shamanic or religious rites and known as entheogens. What other explanation can there be for the trance like state of these women?

And with that, may I wish you all NOT a happy Memorial Day. If you are so moved, consider buying a mattress. If not, then perhaps just price a few and focus on having visions of peace at your barbecue.

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