Pumpkin Cheesecake Brownies (Gluten Free)
Happy Friday, friends! These Pumpkin Cheesecake Brownies are completely insane, in the best kind of way. They feature a rich and fudgy brownie base with a creamy, pumpkin cheesecake topping. The tender and chewy chocolate brownie contrasts with the light and silky pumpkin-spiced topping, but together they create delicious balance. The brownies are a lesson in contrasts.
Contrasts make life interesting. They teach us about what we like and (most importantly) what we don’t. While it might feel like contrasts oppose each other, in reality they’re essential for creating the whole. We can’t have light without dark. There’d be no happiness if there wasn’t also sadness. We’d never know we were cold unless we also had experienced heat. These aren’t binaries, but are points on a spectrum, with a whole lot of gray area in between.
As I mentioned in this newsletter about joy, sometimes it feels like this newsletter is writing me as much as I’m writing it. I had already drafted this newsletter when I woke up on Tuesday this week at 3:30am riddled with anxiety. I felt untethered, ungrounded, sad and unaccountably stressed. While I think that some of this was my body internalizing the chaos in our world right now, there was also something deeply personal there. I was out of sorts—irritated and on the verge of tears but I didn’t know why. After some excavating (with the support of my weekly group led by Natalie Deeb), I realized that I was coming up against a crusty layer of self doubt and unworthiness, the kind that leaves me asking what I’m doing all this for, and if any of it matters. If I matter.
This feeling of unworthiness is an element of my shadow that I’ve unearthed before (I thought I healed you already!), but it occasionally reappears, each time a bit deeper and closer to my heart. I’ve found that instead of running away from those feelings—from the dark areas of myself that I’d rather not look at—it’s safe to go into them, with compassion. In doing so, eventually they will start to dissolve, like sugar falling through a sieve. Crying helps, as does group work, therapy and meditation.
When I got home on Tuesday afternoon James and I took a walk. I shared my experience of the day, and it ended up that he was going through something similar. He said, “It’s so hard, but there’s also this.” He pointed to the golden sunlight streaming through the trees, dappling the forest floor, and the leaves that were slowly dancing around us. It was breathtaking. In going so deep that day—each of us in our own way—the beauty around us was much more poignant. I felt everything in that moment—the full spectrum of pain and love and darkness and beauty and magic. “This is it,” I thought. “This is the human experience. This is why we’re here.”
Not only do contrasts make our lives more interesting and dynamic, nature also teaches us that contrasts are critical for balance. As Liz Carlisle explains in this podcast episode, the soil is at its healthiest when it’s brimming with biodiversity. All of the microorganisms have different functions but together create balance and health.
As humans, we are a reflection of the diversity in nature, both within our own bodies and within the human body at large. When we celebrate and encourage this diversity instead of using it to instill divisiveness and fear, we find cohesiveness and balance instead of chaos.
As I’ve opened to the contrasts in my life—the good and the bad, the easy and the challenging, the beautiful and the turbid—it feels like the spectrum of who I am has become larger, more colorful and more dynamic. The deeper I go into the darkness, the higher I’m able to climb into the light. While this isn’t easy work—it takes courage to look at the stuff in my life I’d rather not see—the result is a lessening of fear, a release of perfectionism, and a much deeper ownership of who I am, without the heavy weights of anxiety, self doubt, shame and guilt.
Like in life, contrasts are essential in cooking—without contrasting flavors and textures our meals would be one-note and dull. The salty balances the sweet; the creamy takes the edge off the crunchy; the acidic uplifts the earthy. While it might seem like those contrasts oppose each other, in reality they create something deliciously cohesive.
These pumpkin cheesecake brownies are an illustration of contrasts. The fudgy brownie base has a rich chocolate flavor that’s elevated (rather than muted) by the creamy pumpkin spiced cheesecake swirl. Together they create a balanced dessert that’s way more than the sum of its parts.
When we embrace contrasts in the kitchen and within our lives, we find more depth and balance. Our lives become richer and more flavorful, and we stop fearing the hard stuff, knowing that it’s part of the larger balance. Even more, in letting go of fear and shame, we allow the full spectrum of who we are to shine. When we do this for ourselves, we do it for all of humanity. As we shine brighter, we encourage those around us to do so as well, lighting up the vast and colorful mosaic of humankind.
In honor of autumn, which is my favorite season for baking, I’m currently offering a 20% discount on my class, Mastering Gluten Free Pie Making. If you’re interested in learning how to make foolproof pies (that nobody will know are GF) and discover the joy in pie baking, I’d love to see you there. ❤️
Perhaps you can start embracing the contrasts in your life with a batch of these pumpkin cheesecake brownies. When I finally nailed the recipe after several rounds of testing the only words I could speak were “holy sh$#.” They’re made up of two different batters—the tender brownie base (which you might recognize from this Grain-Free Brownie Recipe) and a luscious pumpkin cheesecake made with cream cheese and canned pumpkin. They’d be perfect for Halloween celebrations or for holiday spreads, but I hope you won’t wait that long to make them.
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