PicoBlog

I’m old enough to remember when people were surprised when Liam Neeson, the legendary thespian who starred in Schindler’s List began cranking out action movies. People were surprised, and, on some level disappointed. 

Why on earth would the stars of such apogees of quality cinema as the aforementioned Schindler’s List, Excalibur, Husbands and Wives and Gangs of New York prostitute his gifts in grim, tacky revenge thrillers? 

The answer, unsurprisingly involves money. If I have my facts straight 2008’s Taken made a fuck-ton of money. It grossed something like ten times its modest 25 million dollar budget so it was followed, inevitably, by Taken 2 and Taken 3 and a series of interchangeable action movies that were essentially Taken movies by another name. 

Neeson’s early filmography is full of cynical garbage like Satisfaction and Next of Kin but when you play THE Schindler in Schindler's List people are just going to assume that you are a class act. 

Neeson has made so many forgettable action movies, some of which I have seen and forgotten, appropriately enough, that today he’s seen as a heartthrob of the AARP set who makes movies where young punks mess with him and come to regret it. 

He’s essentially a classier version of late-period Charles Bronson at this point, a towering bruiser who lives out the dreams of the elderly by beating the crap out of youngster with their sagging pants, potty mouths, “rap” music and disrespect for their elders. 

I have a soft spot for these movies because they’re crap but they know that they’re crap.

That certainly applies to Neeson’s latest movie, Retribution, where he plays Matt Turner, a hotshot financier having a VERY bad day. It’s a remake of the 2015 El desconocido and a vehicle in myriad ways. It would make no sense without Neeson in the lead role AND Leeson spends most of the film in a car with a worried expression. 

Why is he worried? A lunatic with a voice changer has strapped a bomb under his seat and unless he does what the maniac says he will detonate the bomb and the smooth-talking businessman will go kablooey. 

Matt’s son and daughter are both in the car as well, so if the bomb goes off there will be MULTIPLE casualties. 

I recently wrote about the poorly received Guy Ritchie Kabbalah-inspired thriller Revolver, where a disconcertingly non-bald Jason Statham spends the entire film talking. Revolver is consequently an inaction movie more than it is an action movie. 

The same is true of Retribution. There is some action in the cars around Matt blowing up due to the mad bombers mad bombs but otherwise it’s pretty much just Neeson driving a car that he hopes will not blow up. 

The identity of the bomber/caller is a mystery up until the end. In order to solve this very stupid mystery you’d have to look at the cast and see who the second biggest star is, because obviously he’s the guy. 

In a perhaps related note, silver fox Matthew Modine costars as Neeson’s good friend, who is also being terrorized by the mad bomber. Or is he? What if he IS the Mad Bomber? 

Wouldn’t that be a twist? No, it wouldn’t? Whatever. The second most important role in Retribution is heard but unseen until the very end. It is VERY difficult to create an engaging character with just a voice. 

An exception to that rule would be Pat Healy’s masterful voice turn in 2012’s Compliance. Healy created an unforgettable monster of banality through his voice, a predator hiding in plain sight. Then again Compliance was a real movie rooted in the ugliness and horror of real life. Retribution is not. It’s some RedBox nonsense.

It’s even more difficult to create a compelling character through voice only using a voice distorter. Neeson isn’t much of a hero in Retribution. He appropriately squares off against a sinister mystery man who is similarly not much of a villain. 

I had exceedingly modest expectations for Retribution. I didn’t expect it to be good or exciting. I just wanted it to be bad in a way that would be fun and distinctive. That is not what I got. 

Retribution feels so arbitrary and generic that they might as well have titled it Another Fucking Liam Neeson Action Movie because that’s all it is. 

Incidentally, Neeson is ostensibly going to star in a Naked Gun reboot from Seth MacFarlane and his people in the very near future. 

Will that change his career and persona the way it did Leslie Nielsen’s? I honestly don’t know but at this point any change of pace would be welcome, even a possibly ill-advised detour into wacky comedy.

Two stars out of Five 

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