The Beginners Guide to Ethical Non-Monogamy
Dear Sisters,
So you might have come across the terms ENM before, usually in someone’s bio on a dating app as you’re swiping through. ENM stands for “ethical non-monogamy,” and honestly I do find it a little sad that most people feel inclined to have to add the ethical part to it. This simply comes from the huge stigma surrounding non-monogamy. Anything besides monogamy is seen as wrong and unethical…is there a way to do it ethically? Absolutely! In my opinion, the only way non-monogamy can be unethical is if it’s practiced without being communicated in a monogamous relationship. Otherwise, there’s nothing wrong about non-monogamy–it’s just another way to experience love and your sexuality.
If you and your partner are curious about entering the new realms of non-monogamy, I hope this blog serves you well! You can also be single while exploring this new world, which has been a lot of my experience. Most people think that partners enter non-monogamy after a long, grueling marriage when both parties have lost that spark, but honestly, lots of new couples in this day and age enter a non-traditional relationship much earlier or from the get go. Lots of expert non-monogamists would strongly advise you to not try non-monogamy if you’re simply trying it as a last resort to try to save your monogamous relationship. That’s just a disaster waiting to happen!
Do I think non-monogamy is better than monogamy? No! It’s simply just a different avenue that works for some people and doesn’t for others. I personally believe it’s something that can’t be forced, just like someone’s sexuality. Sure, you can try it, but you’ll know sooner or later if it feels like the right way for you to love or be loved. There are also so many different ways to be non-monogamous, and sometimes it takes time to figure out what type of relationship style you want. I want to break down the different types that you can explore, which all fall under the umbrella term of non-monogamy.
Polyamory:
This is the type of non-monogamy where you feel you have the emotional capacity to love multiple people and potentially foster multiple loving relationships simultaneously. Most people who are unfamiliar with polyamory may have the misconception that it just means three people that love each other, usually a man and two women, in a “throuple” or “triad”, but this is a rare form of polyamory that is actually successful.
Unfortunately, this is the way that most couples want to start their poly journey, by finding the sexy bisexual woman (otherwise known as a “Unicorn”) who will be their magical missing piece that loves them both equally while not being a threat whatsoever to the relationship because the “couple comes first.” And of course, in situations where there’s a straight man and a bisexual woman, the woman is usually NEVER allowed to date other men (which is called the “One Penis Policy”).
I highly recommend reading the article at unicorns-r-us.com if you want to learn more about this, and look up more on the “One Penis Policy”. This way of thinking is problematic and invalidating to queer women-loving-women relationships. In my dating experience, it’s like looking through a needle in a haystack to date bisexual women who are allowed to date both genders, which is also a problem for straight polyamorous men who are looking to date women. It’s already hard enough for men to find female partners! So when you’re looking for polyamorous partners in the most ethical way, I recommend making sure that each person in the couple has full autonomy and is allowed to date separately. Polyamory is about trust in your partners and supporting them in having other fulfilling relationships. It’s about trusting your partner to pick good partners for themselves, despite what’s in their partner’s pants.
Ready to explore some other forms of non-monogamy?
An open relationship:
This form of non-monogamy usually means that the couple is only in romantic relationships with each other, but are welcome to have casual sexual encounters with others. You can either have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell rule where you don’t speak about your encounters, or some couples may want to know who you’re meeting! There’s nothing wrong with that either, it’s all about your comfort levels.
Swinging:
Swingers are another form of non-monogamy. This usually means when couples are only looking for sexual encounters together. They may do a couple swap in the same room with a sexy pair they connect with, or engage in fun group activities with others! They typically do not engage in activities without their partner present. I do not consider this unethical at all–the only way it’s unethical is if you are forcing a romantic relationship with feelings involved to be with both parties. A night of fun won’t hurt anybody!
Non-monogamous:
And, my personal favorite, is when your situation is so unique that you can simply just call it a non-monogamous relationship. It might mean that you have only one serious relationship, but you have multiple casual relationships/situationships with others, but have no desire for multiple serious relationships. You can be in an open relationship, a polyamorous one, or be a swinger and call yourself non-monogamous.
What are some pros to non-monogamy and why do some people enjoy it?
If you enjoy meeting new people on a deeper level, it’s a beautiful way to explore more minds and get variety in your life. Your husband, Joe, might be super fun to go camping with, but you might have a blast playing Dungeons and Dragons with your nerdy boyfriend Derek. This puts less pressure on Joe to try to pick up a hobby he doesn’t think he’ll enjoy. Maybe you have a partner who is more of a homebody, but you have another partner who would love to go to that Taylor Swift concert with you. Sure, you can just bring a platonic friend, but sometimes it’s just really fun to sneak smooches with your lover in between songs.
Non-monogamy can put less pressure on your one partner to fit all of your needs. Maybe your long-term partner has a much lower sex drive. This is a great reason to explore your sexual needs with other people. As long as you're nurturing your relationship with your long-term partner in other ways, it can really strengthen your relationship.
You can bring in new exciting things you recently learned with your additional partner, whether it’s a new position in the bedroom or a hot new restaurant in town with a dish you know your long term partner will love! I remember going on a few dates with a person who made me a playlist, which made me ask for a playlist from my long term partner as well. They were so excited I asked! In my experience, being on first dates with people sparks that excitement with my other partner. It’s like how going on a vacation can be super new and exciting, but there’s nothing like being home in your own bed! After a first date with someone, I always have a huge smile on my face when I’m going home to my partner, whether the date was bad or good.
Non-monogamy is also great for people who want to build community and have multiple avenues to form deep connections with. I always found it strange how we are always encouraged to have multiple deep friendships, but when it comes to love, it’s immoral to have more than one!
Thank you for reading Dear Sisters. This post is public so feel free to share it.
What are the cons of non-monogamy?
It forces us to face our insecurities and fears of being compared to other people… but honestly, that could be seen as a pro as well. Being in a monogamous relationship might feel like a safety net for some people, but you need to not get lazy and remember to always take your partner out on date nights and make an effort every day to make your partner feel loved and valued. Remember not to compare yourself. Your partner’s new date might have a six pack, or a fancy new car, but your partner is with you for a reason. Always strive to be a better you, but never compete with your partner’s partners.
Another big con is time. Love can be infinite, in my opinion, but time is not. I’ve seen many people try to collect as many partners as they can, and they struggle to water these relationships, and they wither and die. It’s important to know how many relationships you can handle before entering them. Make sure to make time in your life for more than just love and sex–your hobbies, family, friends, work, and self-growth matter too! This is a big reason why I drifted away from polyamory and chose more of a non-monogamous approach. Being a busy full-time college student who plays in a band, I don’t have any time for two or more partners, despite how rewarding it may sound.
Also, a very valid fear in meeting additional partners is getting sucked into “New Relationship Energy,” otherwise known as NRE. When you’ve been with one partner for years and you meet someone new, people can get starstruck with that new person and neglect their long-term partner. It’s important to be aware of these butterflies and new giddy feelings and let them grow at a regular pace, while making sure to nurture your long term relationship. Every relationship needs to be cared for. Don’t bail on a date night with your long term partner to spend extra time with your new lover!
An additional disadvantage to non-monogamy will always be the stigma. For people in same-sex relationships, they understand what it’s like to be in the closet, but may have to go in the closet all over again about being in a non-monogamous relationship. It's disheartening to have to hide your partners and a big part of who you are for fear of judgment. It sucks to hear people say their opinions, and how open relationships “never work.” The best thing is to just recognize that these people have grown up in a monogamous society and it’s all they know, so something different is going to be scary for them.
The most important thing is to find a community of others and to connect with them so you know you’re not alone! Also, communication, communication, communication! Never stop communicating with your partner and with yourself. Do what feels right!
Sent from my iPhone,
Rena
Hi there, pleasure to meet you! I’m Rena, the non-traditional 27 year old college student who blends in with her 19 year old peers due to her baggy ripped jeans, fishnets, and winged eyeliner. I love science and true crime, so I’m studying Biological Anthropology. Any classes about human evolution or sexuality, sign me up! I feel like I’ve never fully grown out of my 2000’s alternative phase, so catch me still jamming to Blink-182 and wearing all black! I’m a drummer who plays in a grungy alternative band locally, and I’ve recently taken on being a drum teacher as well. There’s nothing better than teaching others how to do what you LOVE to do!
I’m a perfectionist who has major anxiety about being late, has a hard time saying no, has 50 alarms on her phone, a dog mom to the cutest senior chihuahua, is unapologetically queer and non-monogamous, and is obsessed with Thai food. I’ll be writing about true crime, non-monogamy, all things LGBTQ and sexuality, tips on playing in local bands, college life, mental health, fitness, and minimalist alt fashion!
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