PicoBlog

Welcome to our last Golden Bachelor recap! What a long, strange trip it's been.

If you didn't catch yesterday's breaking news, go there first. This will also neatly explain how our golden bachelor went from Gerry to Gary to Jerry. He's Jerry now, at least in my book. (Karyn, interested to hear what you think!)

I’m starting off with him being “Jerry,” but I don’t know where I’ll end up.

Okay, so the Big Fucking Mouse has begun to spin THR's report and he's spinning it hard. I just read an article in (I think) Entertainment Tonight about how Jerry was completely honest with all the women on the show about his dating history and that stuff didn't make it onscreen, so really, it’s fine. Totally fine, nothing to see here. Move along.

This feels like old-fashioned, old Hollywood, studio-system misdirection but I wonder if it’s not working? Now I don't know what to think. Do I want to give Jerry the benefit of the doubt or do I want to kick him into the sun? I suspect ABC is smarter than Jerry and this is feeling more and more like it has ABC/Disney/Mickey's mouseprints all over it. I am super interested to see how the show addresses everything. Surely they won't just ignore the enormous mouse elephant in the room.

I'm watching this live so I have to sit through commercials. First, a Nurtec ODT commercial. I don't know why Lady Gaga goes out of her way to be not pretty when she's so naturally cute. Everyone please stop bleaching your eyebrows.

My God, I agree! Stop it. You look like aliens.

We open on Jerry pacing nervously in Costa Rica, then we cut to a live studio audience. Jesse enters. The crowd is on their feet. Well, most of them. They do not have the usual enthusiasm of a finale night crowd. Even if the article isn't addressed, it's being quietly acknowledged by everyone's muted responses.

Jesse talks about how Jerry has captured all of our hearts. He then introduces the “Bachelor royalty” in the house. I don't recognize any of these people. He introduces Jerry's family and they don't get a big cheer, either. Interesting. Jesse is talking about an upcoming announcement that's gonna leave all of Bachelor Nation stunned. (Is it that Jerry is a fuckweasel?)

What is Bachelor Nation? Are we a part of it now? Am I going to start getting mailings from them every week like I get from AARP asking me to join? I’m not joining.

We're back in Costa Rica where Jerry has to make the biggest decision of his life. His voice has gone full Kermit. Flashback to him telling Leslie he thinks she's the one. Then he talks about how his overnight with Theresa changed everything. He says instead of asking his parents what they think, he's going to ask his kids. Jenny and Angie are his daughters and Payton and Charlie are his granddaughters.

He talks about Toni's last hours, being there with his daughters. He's getting a highly sympathetic edit and I wonder if that’s part of the spin. However, his rapport with his family is cute. I will give him that.

He describes Theresa as a "professional businesswoman" to his family before she arrives.

Yes, “professional businesswoman” is the first thing he said about her. Not, “She’s smart, loving and kind.” She’s got a job, y’all! 🤑

Jerry and Theresa seem genuinely happy to see each other and their chemistry is evident. What happened in the fantasy suite? I’m guessing she showed him her 401K balance.

The family greets Theresa with hugs, kisses, general affection. The sisters immediately abscond with Theresa. They want to know if he proposes if she'll reciprocate. She describes why she loves him. One of the words she uses to describe him is "highly principled."

Hmph. I know a lady secretly paying for half her dinner in advance who may disagree.

When Theresa tells them about Billy, it moves me. It took me nine episodes to get here, but by God, I like her. Also, she has great legs, a tiny dancer’s figure.

His granddaughter points out that Jerry must be happy because he didn't cry when he sees them. It must be said—Jerry cries too much. He weirdly commands Theresa to drink a glass of orange juice. (Put a pin in this.)

OMG, do you think he’s trying to drug her?!

Theresa tells the daughters about how her husband got sick and died, too. Everybody cries. She says she would absolutely say yes and gets their blessing. Jerry denies answering the question if the boots were knocked. Good. No reason to send your grandkids to therapy.

Jerry reminds Theresa that he loves her. Related note, I saw the valuation for Jerry's house at almost $700,000. His wife must have done well. I wonder if she was also a professional businesswoman? Because you don't buy a $700,000 lake house on a hot tub repairman salary. (Obviously, the house appreciated and I'm sure they didn't pay that much, but still.)

I'm watching this live, which I despise. Yet they are playing some high-caliber commercials. They are raking in a ton of money with ads from Nespresso, L'Oreal, Dolce & Gabbana, and an Old  Navy commercial with Natasha Lyonne. I love her.

She’s come so far since telling her neighbor she’s going to molest their dog.

We are seventeen minutes in, no mention of the scandal.

Theresa and Jerry are having their last date. Their chemistry at this point is undeniable. I would be rooting for them if I weren't mad about the lady he allegedly screwed over. We see that Theresa’s red lipstick is smeared over both of their mouths. He admits that he accidentally gave her vodka with orange juice earlier today. She says that explains why she felt loopy.

He was trying to drug her! You guys, I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m having feelings for Jerry here and think I could go back to calling him Gary. I know I’m supposed to be mad at him, but he seems so happy and his family is lovely. I think it’s because I don’t like cancel culture, so anytime people gang up on someone, I start to feel badly for them because it never feels good when you’re being bullied. And people make mistakes, hopefully learn from them, and change. I don’t know. Am I just gullible? I’ll still call him Jerry, though, because he made Cassandra struggle to get in that car with her walker.

We're eating dinner while we watch this and Fletcher makes the comment that old people are gross. Um, exactly how young do you think you are, Old Man Fletcher?

Jerry says he is only going to give a rose if he's 1,000% committed. Theresa says it would kill her if she doesn't get one. Fletch says he can imagine their dry tongues rubbing up against each other as they make out.

This is probably why I have not watched the season with him.

First, Fletch is the best. Second, Jesse comes back from a commercial and tells us AGAIN that something is going to happen that will shake us to our core. Is someone going to die? Is that it? Is someone going to have a medical emergency?

Now it's the family’s turn to meet Leslie. Maybe he'll roofie Leslie instead of just secretly trying to get her drunk.

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