The male pursuit of male validation
The male gaze as we currently understand it is not a new phenomenon. Women are said to be affected by the pursuit of male validation and the internalisation of the male gaze, having an impact on the way that they move within the world, from the way that they date to the ways in which they present themselves, their career aspirations and their personal goals.
For once though, I am more interested in the ways in which men are affected by the male gaze. This occurrence is one which tends to go undiscussed, given the ways in which associations with adhering to the male gaze or aiming to earn validation from men are often tied to having a romantic attraction towards men. I find that this has never stopped people from assuming that all women (including those who aren’t even attracted to men) suffer from the inability to perform outside of the constraints of the male gaze. If we accept this, then we have to fully digest the prevalence of the male gaze outside of seeking male attraction.
Feminist efforts for women have been and continue to unpack the internalisation of the male gaze. Comparatively, men have not learnt to unpack this under the false pretence that spaces that promote toxic masculinity are only toxic to those that aren’t masculine.
So this think piece isn’t merely addressed to women for once, but to any of the men reading this. It is important that you too examine the inhibition by the male gaze to accessing individuality. Though this is not my job or necessarily even my place, I am happy to do the work for you, narrowing my focus today on the effects of the male gaze on men within the world of dating.
It is no secret that within the dating world, black women are the most consistently overlooked as a result of a myriad of conjunctive oppressive systems designed for exclusion and discrimination against them. Whether or not black women remain emotionally affected by this is up for debate, and I think generally a lot of black women have come to co-exist with the lack of acceptance, simply going where we’re chosen. Whilst it would align with the pro-black vision for black women to find love and acceptance within our own community, there lacks a consistency of black love even here, and I feel as though the desire for male validation and an internalisation of specifically the white male gaze by black men, as well as other men of colour in other POC communities, really works to contribute to the lack of love and acceptance for the women in these communities.
Race, and more precisely colour has always been an indicator of status (i.e. the lighter the skin the more valuable the trophy). I say trophy here not in an effort to further objectify the female form, but as a reflection of the consistent valuation of women according to colourism and featurism in proximity to the westernised beauty standards. Whether or not this is a popularly accepted perspective, the reality remains that without the active will to unpack and destabilise these standards, they remain present in the minds of many. I feel as though men tend to be specifically susceptible to this given the ways in which women on the arms of men are often used as an indicator and a reflection of his status and ability to date ‘high quality’ women.
You don’t have to take my word on this, after all I exist as a mere observer, and alike most other people, I am likely operating from my own biases and projections. The statistics however, are not so easily ignored, where a recent study enacted by OkCupid revealed results that displayed an indifference to black women by all races, through a kind of rating system.
In addition to this, the pattern observed by many when it comes to the women that high status men seem to consistently lust after literally presents this phenomenon, with very few darker-skinned women existing within these spaces by way of marriage.
Now the behaviours of well-established men are to an extent none our businesses, and I would never argue that they should stop dating within their supposed ‘preferences’ or that they should start dating women of more variety to display a sense of performative alignment with their communities.
However, I cannot ignore the likelihood that the behaviour of well respected men within society has an effect on the behaviours of those younger or less established. Having either witnessed this through conversations I have overheard or through online discourse, the ‘flock’ mentality that a lot of men find themselves adopting explains a lot of patterns within dating, both by observing what ‘better’ men are doing, then through the necessary validation of a potential female pursuit with their fellow male peers.
Not exclusive to just race, the aestheticism attached to the intrinsic value of women coupled with the consistent need for male validation having been ingrained in society has left many young men incapable of pursuing women with 100% autonomy, often times valuing the opinions of their boys almost as much as their own opinions.
And of course, the aesthetic of women being hailed as desirable is typically contingent on whatever brand of ‘alpha male’ is being digested by men at any given time. The current popularity of (ironically single) podcast bros giving their (incredibly flawed) but ego-serving dating rhetoric is proof of the willingness of men to internalise these messages and utilise them within their dating lives, as is the tradition of filtering the dating pool based upon the current depiction of the most desirable women, from her looks to her behaviours.
The internalisation of the Madonna/ Whore complex by the majority of people within our social sphere compounds this phenomenon, because the sexual exploits of a woman are shameful enough when she is own her own, but these are made almost punishable way of complete abandonment should her promiscuity reflect badly on her man, and of course it does. Whilst she endures an overly-normalised level* of slut-shaming and degradation, the men she has been with or will be with are also threatened by the burden of choosing to settle down with a woman deemed so damaged beyond repair that the mere existence of her by his side is enough to lessen his command for respect amongst his peers. Where she is cast aside, we now live in an age where he experiences this same level of indifference by those around him. Consequentially, the act of casting aside the known ‘whores’ of society acts as a survival tactic within male spheres.
The choice to settle down with such women of course has no real effect on the trajectory of the relationship between man and woman here, how could it?
There are countless justifications for this presented by men who would rather limit themselves on account of simply choosing to only pursue women with a modicum of self respect; and this logic would hold if a) the measure of self respect wasn’t based alone on sexual promiscuity and b) if the majority of men asserting their right to choose untouched women were untouched themselves. But since neither of these considerations tend to exist in the minds of men presented with the choice of romantic pursuit, it is safe to say that the fear of being seen with a woman deemed less than by others, holds far too much of an influence on the choices being made here.
Perhaps the least surprising, but most sad aspect of all of this is the way in which the desire for male validation permeates the way in which women are treated by men. Romantically or otherwise, it is clear that to expect preferential treatment by men who value the wishes of their friends equal to their personal whims or over the feelings of their partners is a fantasy level desire. The cliched archetype of man who treats his women poorly in way of impressing his male counterparts, or proving something to himself about his masculinity is depicted in far too many pop-culture references and has become almost too banal for reality. Even still, this does not take away from the fact that such a cliché is based upon the silently accepted influence that men have on other men when it comes to the treatment of women romantically. So many times I have unfortunately noticed the applauding of an inability to maintain stable romantic relationships, through instances of cheating or manipulation. The mistreatment of women either sexually or romantically serves as bonding glue for newly established male friendships, and remains consistently strong throughout, whether most men actually want to do treat women poorly or not.
“All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire (…) whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence and love they desire… those are, overwhelmingly, other men”. – Marilyn Frye (1983) “ The Politics of Reality: Essays in Feminist Theory”
Frye speaks to a stark contrast here between the treatment of women versus men, by men as a result of the internalisation of the male gaze. More often than not the care that men reserve for other men is the perfect representation of appreciation, loyalty, and idolisation. Countless jokes made within online spaces note the homoerotic nature of plutonic male friendships, to such an extent that many suggested the presence of sexual attraction within a lot of male spaces. I am one to strongly disagree with this take, given the way in which it further demonises homosexuality, and whilst it is true that there is a strong effort to repress male homosexuality within the constraints of toxic masculinity, as well as there being an emphasis on maintaining a sense of brotherhood between men, whilst consistently degrading women, I don’t think that this is an indicator of actual homosexuality, merely a representation of the ways in which femininity is contested in every way, as well as the fact that society teaches us to value connections to masculinity and vehicles of male validation.
A lot of what I’ve said might fly over the heads of those who feel as though this message doesn’t speak to or apply to them, which is fine. My larger concern is with those that find themselves legitimately angry at these assertions of similar assertions made my many before me. This anger indicates a lack of willingness to address the effect that as a man, the male gaze and the eternal pursuit of male validation could have on you. It is important however to face this reality. None of us are exempt from falling victim to agents of misogyny or patriarchal forms of oppression, the sooner the majority of men are able to reckon with this, the sooner they might be willing to permit themselves the freedoms to align with feminist notions of gender equality.
Asisa
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