"The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller
I was surprised to enjoy The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God by Timothy Keller (with Kathy Keller) so much! But I liked it so much I bought it for a dating couple for Christmas who will be engaged any second now because I think everyone should read it before (and after) marriage.
Keller is complementarian and more theologically conservative than I am but I nonetheless resonated greatly with this work. I found it painted a beautiful alternative to the cultural view of marriage being about self-fulfillment and the classically Christian view of marriage being about fulfilling gender roles and making babies. He frames marriage as a part of God’s story of sacrifice and being more of the people we were designed to be. He also sees marriage as a place where the other person can safely call you out to spur you on to be better.
The chapter on gender roles was written by his wife and it is the healthiest (and most egalitarian) complementarianism I’ve ever read! It was so egalitarian that it struck me as odd to even talk about headship and submission—in the appendix, the only thing he subscribes to the male power is vetoing a decision of his wife he believes is destructive. Yet the book affirms countless times that marriage is mutual and both should sacrifice to the other and never make a decision without hearing out the other spouse. It just seems he’s just a hop and a skip away from the logical step of removing the part about how a guy has intrinsic authority just because he has an XY chromosome.
His theology of singleness is also top-notch and doesn’t speak down to single people. It affirms the benefits of this life while also recognizing the twin dangers of despising marriage out of selfishness and too greatly desiring marriage out of selfishness.
Keller’s chapter on sex is pretty theological solid, being about mutuality, but you should just read The Great Sex Rescue by Shell Gregorie instead to get the same kind of idea more fleshed out and with data.
All in all, this is a book for singles, married people, and everyone in between. I believe I’d recommend this book most to couples who are very serious or engaged so they can establish a healthy theology of marriage before embarking on that covenant journey.
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