PicoBlog

Reader, I love it when movies are full of irresponsible people. And everyone in Gremlins is so irresponsible.

Mr. Peltzer is irresponsible for buying an unknown creature as a family pet. Mr. Wing is, quite frankly, irresponsible for keeping such a dangerous creature in his store. Mr. Futterman is very obviously irresponsible for trying to operate heavy machinery after drinking (and going on a xenophobic rant). And then there’s Billy Peltzer, who acts irresponsibly at every turn, from bringing his rambunctious dog to work with him (at a bank!) to feeding his mogwai without checking more than one clock.

But no one in Gremlins is more irresponsible than Mr. Hanson, Billy’s former middle school science teacher.

Now, it is understandable that Billy would bring his problematic pet to a highly educated man, especially after he broke the sacred rules and spawned a litter of mogwai pups. And especially when the local police laugh at him. (The cops in this movie, as it turns out, are also irresponsible.) With a vexing new species on his hands, Billy knew he could trust one of his favorite former teachers.

Except he didn’t realize that Mr. Hanson is an absolute maniac.

The most incredibly obvious and sensible thing to do when a former student brings you a tiny monster is to notify the authorities. The local police may have laughed Billy out of the room, but the National Wildlife Federation or the Wildlife Conservation Society or even the local Humane Society would have been appropriate! I don’t support PETA but even PETA would’ve been better than what Mr. Hanson did…

…Which was to not only keep this mogwai a secret but experiment on him. Sir. You are a man of science. You are smart enough to understand that the furry little goblin in your possession is a complete unknown and that means it is an enormous safety hazard.

Speaking of Mr. Hanson’s dangerous endeavor to experiment upon a foreign creature, the least he could’ve done whilst carrying out his mad scientist fantasies is to take the mogwai home, or to a secure remote location, or something like that. But what does he do instead? He stores this mogwai in his classroom. This creature has formed a cocoon that awaits God knows what when it hatches, and he just…keeps it behind his desk. All while his young students watch an educational video. This man is lucky that Gremlins isn’t rated R, because if it were, that cocoon would’ve hatched in the middle of one of his class lectures and a gremlin would’ve torn those kids to shreds.

Mr. Hanson should’ve been fired immediately for his recklessness. Ultimately, though, he is the first person in the film to die, which is kinda like life’s way of firing you from the mortal realm. I don’t think he deserved a swift and early death for his actions, but perhaps there is a lesson to be learned here. 

Please don’t get your children any strange and dangerous pets for Christmas. Cute things can kill you.

Gremlins is now streaming on HBO Max, Peacock, and DirecTV, and it’s available to rent elsewhere.

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