The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known
Hi Readers,
I’m coming to you from a place of extremes this week. My morale and mood have been all over the place the last two weeks. I feel like personally, I’m going through this cycle of feeling incredibly mediocre, then feeling intense fear that my goals are absolutely delusional and I’m on a path to ruin my life, and back to “ok I think I’m doing fine, things take time, you’re doing your best”. Talk about whiplash. It’s exhausting and frankly, I’m a little over the way my brain works these days.
In talking with the people in my life however, I do think the universe in general is giving “season of change whether you like it or not bitch” … which is cool maybe? But intensely uncomfortable and understandable that my mind is rife with doubts and fear about the future and the decisions I’m making.
Obviously different people in the world are always going through big changes at any given time. But I guess I’m less attune to it if that’s not the place I’m in. I currently feel drawn to folks grappling with similar struggles as it’s comforting to not feel alone, but also wildly invigorating to talk to people that are scared but doing cool shit anyways.
I’m fascinated by people that just keep going. Pretty much every day I’ll have moments where I’m thinking “Who do i think I am? I don’t have what it takes to do this. Why would anyone want to buy the things I’m trying to sell them? I’m not doing enough and no one cares about any of this enough for me to make this work.” Really mean stuff!
All of those mean thoughts might become true. Businesses fail all the time. Local news certainly loves highlighting businesses that are closing and callous jerks in the comments love giving their two cents about why. The very real possibility of failure is scary but incredibly important to keep in mind if I want to stay grounded in why I’m actually doing this.
I was talking to someone last night about this journey and I found myself saying “Regardless of how this turns out, I’ll have done it. And I want to have done it whether or not I ‘make’ it.” And it felt really good that that statement is true. I need that statement as a guiding force in what I’m doing. It’s so easy to fall into the comparison trap, to care about follower counts and how polished the businesses I look up to are. All I can control is my vision, my values and the values of this business I’m trying to run. And above all, that I’m just trying to connect with people. There’s no competition to that. If I connect with anyone, I’ll have done what I’ve set out to do. The rest is details. The rest is in the future, out of my control. Why would I want to control the future, when the outcome could be so much grander than my expectations?
As corny as I think it is, as a worst-case-scenario expert, the simple mindset shift in asking “what’s the best thing that could happen?” instead of “whats the worst thing that could happen?” is very, very helpful to me. I can’t say enough how much I need that mindset right now. How much a lot of people I know and love need that mindset right now.
In wondering how I got to this place of always worrying about the bad thing happening, even assuming the bad thing as default, I’m trying to get to the root of why I think this way, how I got here. At least part of it feels like this childhood wound, a learned behavior that if you look like you care too much, if you want too much for yourself, if you have goals that are not “practical”, that you should feel shame and embarrassment. PARTICULARLY if you fall short visibly. That being seen trying is inherently embarrassing. Whoa - what a bummer. Thanks millennial, Midwest, religious upbringing - you did it. You fucked me up!
I feel like a major goal in my 30s is slowly unraveling this mindset. Of vanquishing the irrational notion that being perceived trying and failing is some unbearable taboo. That I’m unworthy of pursuing things that I feel passionate about because I might not be “good enough” at them. That’s not what being passionate about something is about! That’s not even what life in general is about.
This is personal opinion I guess, but it feels deeply true to me that our purpose is to be curious and learn things, connect with each other, and try to feel good about what we leave behind in the world when we’re gone, both tangible and intangible.
So while my personal brand is very often “don’t perceive me” - see water bottle; I’m doing a disservice to myself when I shun opportunities to be vulnerable. A disservice to myself when I don’t take opportunities to fail openly and let those failures be a beacon for others. A flickering little candle light in the blinding sea of ring lights. A call to the imperfect people in the illusive world of social media ‘perfection’.
I hope I have some wins, and I’ll be excited to share them! But I’ll never get to celebrate the wins if I don’t allow myself to lose. Thats the journey. Those are the risks. I’m terrified. And overjoyed.
May we be unapologetic in our pursuit of our passions. And, to quote my favorite movie, may we be “honest and unmerciful” in our sharing of the truth of our journeys.
What I’ve connected with over the last two weeks and want to share:
I’m may be secretly in the process of brick and mortar design and can’t stop looking at Pinterest. Here’s a big board of ideas
I went to a “pro” wrestling event recently and it was unhinged and hilarious and so much fun. If you’re in Portland and trying to get weird, check out
http://www.doaprowrestling.com/
I unearthed this sticker I bought at Revolutions Bookshop in St. John’s right after I got laid off and it’s now prominently displayed in my office :)
A friend recently introduced me to Pace Taylor’s work (on view at Nationale in Portland thru Feb 25) and it’s fantastic. Reading about their inspiration for their current exhibition makes me antsy to go check it out!
Thanks for fartin’ around with me, see you in two weeks!
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Other ways to connect:
personal instagram: paging_misterherman
business instagram: letswhileonearth
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