PicoBlog

Here I sit on the 23rd of December, two days before Christmas, and it’s day three without my son. He’s been with his mom. Time away from him is never easy, but it’s excruciating during the holidays. I’ve been distracting myself with last minute Christmas shopping, gift wrapping, long walks with my dog, and making my way through season 2 of Fargo (highly recommend), but the mind must be idle eventually, and when it is, I get sad.

The good news is I get him back tomorrow morning and he’ll be with me for Christmas. We’ll be with other family, too. I’m very much looking forward to that. For now, though, it’s a difficult time. 

It wasn’t always this way, of course. 

The holidays were always so special to me as a kid – time off from school, family ski vacations, presents under the tree. That feeling of trying your hardest to fall asleep on Christmas Eve knowing that you’d wake up and run to the living room and tear through a mountain of presents all morning was the single greatest recurring memory from my childhood. 

Looking back, that time spent with family was certainly taken for granted, and probably even a little boring and annoying at times. But I cherished those moments with them deep down, even if I wouldn’t have acknowledged it at the time. 

Now that I’m a father to an eight-year-old, I’m doing my best to make sure he looks forward to the holidays the way I used to as a kid. His Thanksgivings and Christmases look different than mine did, but almost all the elements are still there for him. He’s surrounded by a loving family, he has two warm and comfortable homes, he gets to travel, and pretty much every item on his Christmas list ends up under the tree. He’s a great kid, too, and deserves it all. 

These are the good times for him. The easy times. This is the stress-free, carefree, all-about-fun era of his life, much like it was for me at his age. It’s a time when cherished moments cement their welcomed place in our minds forever. It’s about feeling safe at home and it’s about the people we care about the most. 

I’m beginning to realize as I type this how fond some of those childhood memories truly are to me. Damn. I spent each holiday with my mom, my dad, and my sisters, Anne and Haley. Those times weren’t always perfect, sure, but those were my people and that was my home. I was blessed in ways I appreciate more as I get older and further removed from them.

Things are different now. I’ve grown up. I have a career. I’m now the one responsible for putting a roof over my son’s head and dinner on the table. I buy the presents now and I create his safe environment. The stressors that surround me are my burdens to bear and my duty to keep from him. 

My relationships with the members of my family are different, too. Some have strengthened; some have drifted. My life changed dramatically this year, and not in a good way. I’ll save that story for another time. It’s been the worst stretch of my life and affected my mental health in ways I previously felt resilient to. 

I’ve left the safe space of my childhood home and became vulnerable to the much harsher realities of the real world. Such is inevitable, isn’t it? Life ran me down as it does to so many.

But even though my life in its current state is far from what I wanted or how I envisioned it would look at this point, and even though it’s missing some very key components to what I’d consider rounding out a fulfilling and happy life for me, I still consider myself to be a very blessed person. There’s so much good around me for which I am thankful. 

I try my best to stay mindful of this when things get less than easy in my life.

I also acknowledge that so many would trade places with me, that so many endure much more hardship than I do. The harder side of life comes for anyone, at any time, without discrimination.

Not everyone is as blessed as I am, or as you are. Holidays can be magical for so many, but for some, they serve simply as reminders of all they don’t have. All that their lives are missing. Loved ones gone. Relationships ended. Better times in the past. Poorer outlooks ahead. 

Holidays provide warmth and comfort for some, yet can feel cold for others. Holidays often add to one’s loneliness, sadness, or depression. Hopefully you’ve begun thinking of some of those people in your life now who may not be in love with this time of year. 

I encourage you to pick up the phone and reach out to them. A few minutes of your time could be a difference maker for them. 

If you’re on the up right now, if things in your life are going well and you’re happy and healthy, do me a solid, please. Take a mental inventory of all the positives in your life. Be it career or family or friendships, make a mental note of everything that’s contributing to the happiness in your present life. Think about them in detail, and fully embrace them.

Secondly, try your hardest not to take those things for granted. Life is full of unexpected surprises, good or bad. Things that are here today, may not be here tomorrow. This typically joyous time of year may look different for you in the future. For some, those misfortunes are facing them today. 

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