there are dozens of us (erin jean warde)
know someone who might enjoy my work? share with a friend!
What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?
—Melody Beattie, from The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency
One of my absolute favorite shows is Arrested Development. If you’ve somehow never encountered the cult classic sitcom, it follows a truly wacky family. Their lives implode during the pilot and hilarious chaos ensues. The fastest way I become a lifelong fan of a show is if I quickly come to love the characters. Arrested Development created characters I immediately wanted to spend more time with (not to mention it features top notch actors).
And when I say wacky, I am not exaggerating. The plot lines are so hilariously all over the place I laughed just thinking about the show as I wrote this.
One of the wildest identity markers for one of the wackiest characters is that Tobias Funke is a Never Nude. It means exactly what you think it means. Tobias is… Never Nude. The narrator explains this by showing Tobias in a variety of situations — a doctor’s exam, trying on underwear, etc — and in each of them he is always wearing denim cut off shorts. Even the underwear are worn over them.
Later in the show, being a Never Nude has come up and Tobias, amidst people booing, proudly declares: “Oh stop booing, there’s nothing wrong with us — THERE ARE DOZENS OF US! DOZENS!”
The meme has become a way to refer to the odd things about us, and one way to show how our eccentricities don’t mean anything is “wrong with us.” In the grand scheme of things, if you’re looking for a character who is as odd as a person can get, but who stays true to themselves — Tobias is your guy.
While I don’t read it every day, I occasionally find myself opening one of the most popular books for those of us who are Working On Ourselves — Melody Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency. While the word “codependency” can make us bristle (it certainly made me bristle when a therapist mentioned it many years ago), the wisdom within this book can be oddly on point, for anyone really, but especially for those of us in recovery, or on a healing path.
On October 1, I dog eared the meditation, which is as follows:
In recovery, we’re learning a new behavior. It’s called Be Who You Are.
For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?
Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?
There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves — regardless of the reactions of others.
Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being who we are. We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.
We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we were intended to be.
Today, I will own my power to be myself.
October 1 — Be Who You Are by Melody Beattie, from The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency
There is profound power in being who we are — a specific power I am researching and exploring, as I do a deep dive into identity work. I have, for years now, referred to my healing path as the path into becoming who I am, without ever reading this reflection.
I certainly remember all the many years when I did not think I could feel what I feel (at least not on the outside) or say what I felt called to say. I struggled to know my beliefs much less be firm about them, and I didn’t have the wherewithal to put enough of a finger on the pulse of my needs to value them in my life. I feared very deeply what might happen if I let go of the camouflage of adaptation and began to listen to my desires, so much so that I could build a life around them (which I now have). I did not know how to own the power to be myself, and I suffered for it. I was plagued by the questions Beattie poses: Would people still like me? Would people leave?
And yet, the frightening thing wasn’t the most true thing. Was it hard? Yes and it still is. Did some of my fears come true? Yes, but I survived it, and it wasn’t as bad as I imagined it to be. Am I still trying to figure out how to live fully inside myself? Yes, but I’m closer to myself today than I was yesterday, and I know I will keep moving ever closer to the center and heart of myself as the days pass us by.
The inspiring and disarming thing about Tobias is how he lives fully inside the power of himself. He doesn’t do it perfectly — you need only watch a few episodes to know that, lol — but he does it rather beautifully. He, unlike some other members of the family, literally stands up amidst the booing crowd to proclaim he is worthy, he is worth the risk of being himself, and that he has always been good enough.
I don’t know what these questions evoke for you — how you might feel like it is impossible to say, “Today, I will own my power to be myself.” But however this finds you, may you receive the blessed reminder that you are worth the risk of becoming who you are, you have always been good enough, and today you can own the power to be yourself.
With love,
EJW
I’m excited to launch a new coaching program! This program is not recovery specific, instead it focuses on exploring the areas of your life where you feel an inkling of curiosity, a desire for change, or feel stuck and need momentum. This coaching provides:
JOURNEY BASED ON YOUR SPECIFIC NEEDS — Our first session is a 30 minute consultation, which will help me craft a journey for you.
1:1 CALLS EVERY WEEK — After the consultation, we will meet for 1 hour each week for the duration of your package — 4 weeks if you purchase one month, or 12 weeks if you purchase the 3 month bundle.
COMPASSIONATE ENCOURAGEMENT & GOAL SETTING — I believe self-compassion is truly the foundation of identity work. Additionally, each week we will set goals, which serve as encouragement through accountability.
WORKBOOK — At the end of each 4 week period, I will provide a PDF workbook gathering the tools and insights from our time together.
If you have questions, just reply to this e-mail. :)
Friends, My rates for Recovery Coaching will be changing as of Monday, October 17 to $520 for the four week 1 hour package and $260 for the four week 30 minute package.
That said, I have 5 spots left if you’d like to sign up now at the current price. I would love to work with you!
On Monday, October 17 I will also offer 3 months of four week 1 hour recovery coaching for $1460 paid in full up front and 3 months of four week 30 minute recovery coaching for $730 paid in full up front, which will be a way to save by making a long term commitment to the process!
My course — Discerning Sobriety — guides you as you reflect on the role of alcohol in your life, through 20 lessons and 20 spiritual practices. Discerning Sobriety is for the sober curious, anyone who wants to bring mindfulness into their relationship with alcohol, and people in recovery. You will receive one email every day for 40 days, leading you through a spiritual listening (discernment!) process, as you connect with mind, body, and soul.
get my book — it comes out April 2023! 🤩
Join us in the paid community as we read How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy!* I’m enjoying this book so much — we will be reflecting on everything from rest, what occupies our attention, social media, insights from recovery, and more. Book club reflections are weekly for paid subscribers. If you’re interested, subscribe for $7/month, pay annually, or become a founding member. <3
We will spend 8 weeks with this book, covering a chapter per week, including the introduction & conclusion. This week we are reading Chapter 4: Exercises in Attention.
☀️ follow me on Instagram
☀️ follow me on Twitter
ncG1vNJzZmidop67q7HAp66aqpSae7TBwayrmpubY7CwuY6pZq2glaeybq3RnmSdp6qau7R5zp9krqtdmr%2BquoyjnJqm