To Whom It May Concern - by Sam Kahn
To Whom It May Concern:
Emily appears to be a very pleasant, gentle person, and would, I am sure, be an asset to any classroom discussion — although it must be admitted that she has not left her house for some time now. Perhaps classroom accommodation can be made where she sits on the other side of a closed door and doesn’t have to interact with anyone?
To Whom It May Concern:
Charles has recently moved from opium to hashish and claims that the switch is helping him wonderfully — he is currently at work on a collection in which he discusses the evil of flowers. I should note that, if he is accepted to your program, it may be somewhat difficult to contact him as he is on the move from various creditors. However, if you send your letter to one of several courtesans on Rue Frochot, it should reach him eventually.
To Whom It May Concern:
Arthur has spent his high school years as a runaway and as the butt boy for a 30-year-old man, who recently shot (but fortunately only grazed) him. He has reported a great deal of success with his most recent project, which involves taking very high doses of absinthe and attempting to write without any grammar whatsoever. I should note, however, that it may be necessary for him to defer a year or so, as he has recently become passionate about his extra-curricular activity of gun-running in Africa and has renounced poetry.
To Whom It May Concern:
Charles “Chuck” is approaching the end of what he affectionately calls a “ten-year drink” and is eager to write about his bar fights and one-night stands and to discuss the salutary creative effects of immense quantities of beer. I should note that he doesn’t believe in seminars or readings — preferring to arm-wrestle or simply shout at fellow writers — but it is my hope that your workshop will nonetheless find him somehow lovable. He is currently working as a filing clerk at the post office and, if admitted to your program, may be in need of your financial aid package as well as any assistance you can offer with his debts.
To Whom It May Concern:
Sylvia has recently been released from psychiatric care and appears to have no untoward effects (!) from her latest round of electric shock therapy. She is currently at work on a collection in which she expresses a wish that her father had lived long enough for her to kill him and in which she discusses various methods of committing suicide.
To Whom It May Concern:
Jack has been living with his parents for some time but nonetheless is able to have a great deal of adventure! He has been very taken recently with a Colorado car thief and will, I’m sure, be eager, as part of your workshop, to share stories from their recent visit to prostitutes in Mexico. He is, however, too likely to be hopped up on benzedrine to be a regular participant in classroom seminars.
To Whom It May Concern:
Marcel is an adult man who believes that the smell of pastries will restore the memory of his childhood in full — and has dedicated himself entirely to this theory. He has no other discernible skills or means of employment.
To Whom It May Concern:
Louis-Ferdinand would, I am confident, add a great deal of spice to your workshop. His dislikes extend (but are not limited to!) Jews, war heroes, French people, and every other kind of people. He is currently at work on a project accusing Hitler of being insufficiently anti-Semitic and the Pope of being Jewish. Lest you think that he is a complete misanthrope, he is, however, very fond of ballet.
To Whom It May Concern:
Dante is currently engaged in a very ambitious, intriguing project to construct an entire theological edifice presided over by a girl he saw once when he was 9 years old and to assign appropriate ever-lasting tortures to various acquaintances of his. While there may have been some misgivings over his project — he has been banished from his home city and I do not know what his wife thinks of it — I am told that it is very innovative in form.
To Whom It May Concern:
Francois is, unfortunately, condemned to be hung in the morning. However, this is not his first such sentence. He is continuing to write this very evening and, if reprieved, would, I’m sure, be delighted to be part of your program. I would just note that he has long been part of a gang of Paris burglars and it may be advisable, if he is admitted to the program, to securely lock all the doors of your school.
Cross-posted at
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