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I found Turtle Creek Lane by way of Cary O'Donnell, a long time collaborator to the Sexy Unique Podcast. (We will tackle SUP later in this post.) Turtle Creek Lane, also known as Jennifer Houghton, is a Mormon mommy influencer focused primarily on holiday decorations, her large Texas mansion, and her Village of the Damned children. She is the human embodiment of a Live Laugh Love sign or the rooster figurine collection in your parent's kitchen. She is Sandra Bullock in Blindside without the bangs or the calculated retention for football stats, more the bag of orange slices waiting in the cooler after a soccer match. She is a Lexapro snowwoman—my only wish that she was prescribable. 

Jennifer's home decor is French by way of Dallas, Texas. A lot of white furniture with purposeful distress marks. Baby blues. Locally sourced stone work on the walls and floors. A lot of fleur-de-lys, I would presume. Lucite accent furniture. Tassels. Green and white gingham. Folk Christian or Kidz Bop playing lightly from a radio in the kitchen. Her large, overly detailed rooms are stylized in stark white photos. No warm-tones in this aesthetic! She loves to decorate her airplane hanger home with vast swaths of ribbon and miles of lights.

TCL is married to Steve Houghton, the CEO of Houghton Capital, a first draft Rick Moranis character when he wears glasses. I cannot say if he is morally a good man, but he does ride a unicycle while Jennifer walks their neighborhood. That seems good enough for me. Jennifer and Steve have five children—Steven, Tiffany, Tanner, Sam, and McKenna Kate—ranging in ages from 28 to 10. There are also in-laws. Memorizing the family tree is like keeping up with the Duggars but without split ends or long, jean skirts. 

The Houghton's religious affiliation is Mormon, and she, unfortunately, follows D*nld Tr*mp on Instagram. The feed is sterile, though, and religious and political beliefs do not seep into her groomed, internet persona. Instead, keeping her feed ~*good vibes only*~ to appeal to a larger audience. We can determine she believes the Holocaust happened after posting a solemn reaction at a Holocaust museum on her stories during a trip to Jerusalem—a very low bar but a required litmus test when it comes to public figures now-a-days. 

She was recently made notorious for one particular incident thanks to Heather McMahan and other Insta comedians: posting a story in her hotel room, eagle-eyed followers noticed a "back massager" on her night stand. Instead of deleting the story or backtracking, TCL posted a swipe up link to the "back massager" with a wink emoji. This endured her to many, including myself, because it shows a sense of humor, something that can be hard to find.

I do find Jennifer hard to pin down, but for some inexplicable reason, I have a need to figure her out. There is something about the large expanse of her white teeth and the crystalline quality to her eyes. It is like staring into a Zoltar machine after depositing a coin, waiting for your fortune. She has found her spark (See: Pixar's Soul), and you cannot fault her for that. 

Sexy Unique Podcast, created by Lara Marie Schoenhals, was originally dedicated to Vanderpump Rules with a revolving door of guests, but it has evolved into a cultural landmark. In recent months, Carey O'Donnell has become a popular and semi-permanent staple to the show, and with the delay/cancelling of VPR, they have dedicated their time to reviewing other Bravo shows like Real Housewives and one-off reality shows from the early 2000's. 

And can I just say, I FUCKING LOVE THEM.

Lara and Carey are the couple loudly talking in the back of a spin class, but instead of getting angry, you stop riding and invite them out for coffee because what they have to say is more thrilling than whatever the instructor is yelling about. The show is full of inside jokes (similar to jokes written inside your best friend's yearbook) that you decipher by making your way through the pantheon of SUP. 

SUP became my marker of time—they talked about the rumblings of COVID back when it was a foreign headline (hosting a live show mere days before lockdown), and they tunneled through the sludge and filth of the year when I was incapable of doing so. During peak of lockdown, I could be found roaming the streets of my neighborhood, laughing at the banter going on in my ears.

Any time I see a bonkers headline or hear juicy tidbits of Hollywood gossip, my first thought is, I hope that Lara and Cary know, because I respect their opinions. I hope that Lara and Carey know because I want them to break down reality and build it back up because sometimes it is easier to listen to someone else than process it yourself. They are the closest I come to gurus. 

They are funny—of course!—but also insightful. Both have experienced past trauma which they talk openly about, and it only reiterates my belief that the funniest people in the world are also the ones most willing to be vulnerable. 

It helps that they love a lot of the things I already love—A24 movies, news publication drama, NXIVM cult activity, to name a few. I love them so much that I signed up for the SUP Patreon, so I could listen to Saturday bonus episodes which are not structured around an episode of television and more of a freeform chat. I could honestly listen to them commentate a snail race. 

I recommend SUP to anyone who enjoys my newsletters. Also follow them on Instagram! (I'm giving the full treatment! Free advertisement!)

Now, with any well established podcast, it can be hard to dive right in because finding an opening is tricky. You can break up the show into seasons based on what show they are reviewing at that moment, but if you scroll far enough back, you will also find episodes on VPR when it was airing. Postings happen three times a week (Brett Michael's Rock of Love II on Thursdays, Real Housewives of Salt Lake City on Fridays, and the bonus episode on Saturdays), but the trick is to go by the episode headlines. Episodes are numbered by the season of television they are covering. For more help, I've included two starting points.

Episode One of “Tough Sicilian Bitches”, the Real Housewives of New Jersey recap

Episode One for High Society recap

Both Turtle Creek Lane and SUP podcast have wildly different ideologies, but a thing that binds them, across borders and mediums, is the ability to make me smile. 

Peace

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