PicoBlog

**Please note there is a brief bit of explicit language at the beginning of the song**

“For in grief nothing ‘stays put.’ One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? -C.S. Lewis

A little over a decade ago, my wife had an ectopic pregnancy. For us, the pregnancy was an answer to hundreds of prayers to conceive. And then, in what felt like a cruel joke, we were told the pregnancy wasn’t really a pregnancy. It wasn’t viable. Untreated, it could destroy any chances of getting pregnant in the future or, worse, result in death.

It was devastating.

A couple years or so later, at a retreat I was co-leading, a colleague and I were giving a presentation on authenticity. In a moment of unrehearsed spontaneity, we decided that my co-presenter would coach me in front of the whole group. The conversation began benignly.

“Can you tell me a bit about your spiritual practices?”

Given that this was a talk on authenticity, I answered honestly, “Engaging spiritual practices has been hard for me. Especially lately.”

“Why do you say lately?”

At this point, I hemmed a bit. I talked about how reading and studying always came natural and that I was still doing them, but I was busy and that busyness made it harder to engage the practices I’m not naturally drawn to. I’ve always struggle with the more contemplative practices like prayer and silence. But in my ramblings, something real came out.

“It feels though something is blocking me. As if I’m resisting entering something that feels intimate.”

“When was the last time you felt like you had really been praying?”

With a simple question, a crack spider-webbed across the dam of my pretense. I knew exactly when that last time was. I could pretend that time had healed the wound, but the newly formed cracks were letting the truth out into the open. I hadn’t prayed and felt close to God since the ectopic pregnancy.

“Why has prayer been hard for you since then?” she asked.

In front of a room of people I blurted out the truth I didn’t know until that moment: “Because I’m still angry with God.”

Everybody grieves different

Everybody grieves. Some grieve out loud and with giant tears. Some grieve silently behind a façade of smiles. Some avoid grief with vices to numb the pain. Some grieve quickly. Some grieve slowly. But everyone grieves. It’s what unites us.

I bought a Rolex watch, I only wore it once
I bought infinity pools, I never swimmed in
I watched Keem buy four cars in four months
You know the family dynamic's on repeat

What I appreciate about United in Grief (beyond how it musically captures the confusing, spiraling, frenetic-and-simultaneously-slow rhythm of grief through the intense beats over soft piano) is the vivid reminder that some grief doesn’t always look like grief. Sometimes it looks like extravagance and poor decisions. Far too many of us don’t deal with our grief, and as a result, we act out of step with what we know is right. We buy things we can’t afford. We get into inappropriate relationships. We self medicate. We stop praying.

Thank God that God meets us in our grief.

Isaiah 53 is a well known prophecy in the Old Testament that many believe points to Jesus. It’s the chapter that contains the line, “By his wounds we are healed.” Just a few verses before that, the ESV translates a popular line likes this,

Surely he has borne our griefs
    and carried our sorrows;

Surely he has borne our griefs. Jesus, the man on the cross, bearing the grief of the whole word. Thanks be to God.

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I hope you find some peace of mind in this lifetime
Tell them, tell 'em, tell them the truth
I hope you find some paradise (tell them, tell 'em the truth)
Tell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em, tell them your-

I've been goin' through somethin'
One thousand, eight hundred and 55 days
I've been goin' through somethin'
Be afraid

What is a —— in a miniskirt?
A man in his feelings with bitter nerve
What is a woman that really hurt?
A demon, you're better off killin' her
What is a relative, making repetitive narratives on how you did it first?
That is a predator, hit reverse
All of your presidents evil thirst

What is a neighborhood rep'table?
That is a snitch on a pedestal
What is a house with a better view?
A family broken in variables
What is a rapper with jewelry?
A way that I show my maturity
What if I call on security?
That mean I'm calling on God for purity

I went and got me a therapist
I can debate on my theories and sharing it (whoa)
Consolidate all my comparisons
Humblin' up because time was imperative (whoa)
Started to feel like it's only one answer to everything, I don't know where it is (whoa)
Popping a bottle of Claritin (whoa)
Is it my head or my arrogance? (Whoa)

Shaking and moving, like, what am I doing? I'm flipping my time through the Rolodex
Indulging myself and my life and my music, the world that I'm in is a cul-de-sac
The world that we in is just menacing, the demons portrayed religionous
I wake in the morning, another appointment, I hope the psychologist listenin'

The new Mercedes with black G Wagon
The "Where you from?" It was all for rap
I was 28 years young, twenty mill' in tax
Bought a couple of mansions just for practice
Five hundred in jewelry, chain was magic
Never had it in public, late reaction
50K to cousins, post a caption
Pray none of my enemies hold me captive

I grieve different

I grieve different
Huh

I met her on the third night of Chicago
North America tour, my enclave
Fee-fi-fo-fum, she was a model
Dedicated to the songs I wrote and the Bible
Eyes like green, penetratin' the moonlight
Hair done in a bun, energy in the room like
Big Bang for theory, God, hopin' you hear me
Phone off the ringer, tell the world I'm busy

Fair enough, green eyes said her mother didn't care enough
Sympathize when her daddy in the chain gang
Her first brother got killed, he was 21
I was nine when they put Lamont in the grave
Heartbroken when Estelle didn't say goodbye
Chad left his body after we FaceTimed
Green eyes said you'd be okay, first tour, sex the pain away

I grieve different

I grieve different
Huh

The new Mercedes with black G Wagon
The "Where you from?" It was all for rap
I was 28 years young, twenty mill' in tax
Bought a couple of mansions just for practice
Five hundred in jewelry, chain was magic
Never had it in public, late reaction
50K to cousins, post a caption
Pray none of my enemies hold me captive

So what? Paralyzed, the county building controlled us
I bought a Rolex watch, I only wore it once
I bought infinity pools, I never swimmed in
I watched Keem buy four cars in four months
You know the family dynamic's on repeat
The insecurities locked down on PC
I bought a .223, nobody peace treat
You won't doo-doo me, I smell TNT

Dave got him a Porsche, so I got me a Porsche
Paid lottery for it, I ain't want it in portions
Poverty was the case
But the money wipin' the tears away

I grieve different
Everybody grieves different
Everybody grieves different
I grieve different
Huh

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