"We are all just walking one another home."
In 2002, I walked into an acting class that my friend Kimberly McCullough raved about. Her coach, Andrew Magarian, was “something special” and of course I wanted to learn from the best. I came in one Tuesday night to audit his class and as I stepped foot into a very understated, garage style space lined with chairs of students, Andrew was talking with a student seated dead center.
He was stoic and strong, funny and deeply warmhearted.
I could feel all of that in a matter of moments.
He was also crying. He was talking about the depths of his relationship with his father.
The other thing I felt was an instant, overwhelming and unwavering sense of knowing.
I knew we’d be together. My soul absorbed this feeling like nothing I’ve ever experienced and that was awkward to say the least. I didn’t even know his name.
Yes he was handsome, Yes his talent was so attractive, Yes I was impressionable and naive and all the things a young woman can be. There was an energetic cord between us and I had no idea what that represented and how non linear this ‘connection’ would become.
We became friends but I was always pining for him. He had a girlfriend (hi Terry) who was also in the class at the time so he never gave me a second glance in that way. Then he was single and I was not. Then I was single and he moved to Florida to complete his degree and be with his sister Alison during her fight with breast cancer. Then he was single again and I was engaged.
We were friendly on social media and on Mother’s Day of 2015 he messaged me and said “Happy Mothers Day Nic, How ya doing?”
Me: “Thanks Hobbie, ehhhh, I’m getting divorced.”
Matt: “Let’s get lunch.”
Me: <<too scared to type>>
Matt: “Tic tok, Tic tok…”
We went to lunch in June of 2015 and talked for 5 hours.
We went on our second lunch date with my mother (I dunno y’all - she must have been visiting - I don’t recall the specifics here) but I know that I had sent out my 3,500 person email explaining I’d be getting divorced, which forced my hand in the closure of my precious Hustle & Flow Fitness studio, just the night before.
By the end of this 5+ hour lunch date I had 2000+ new emails filled with shock, sadness and an army of support.
Matt was there for me during that darkness.
And it was not pretty.
He met my Beau when he was 2.5 years old in a high chair and diapers. Matt’s been a force in Beau’s life like no other and was willing to be the step dad. This is never, ever an easy task as you likely know. He was constant. He was a rock. He was unwavering in how he showed up for Beau, even when Beau pushed back. We had some tough times during this transition and we chose to let it simmer. We were a crock pot family, after all. Mixing and blending and letting everything marinate. Slowly and patiently day after day.
The beauty of our relationship goes beyond what I can share in words via a single substack piece however the lessons I’ve received will continue to be a lived experience and I’ll share with you when I can. (In fact, my next email will be even more personal-you’ve been warned)
I told my friends Katy and Jenny at his second service in Sarasota that embarrassingly enough, I thought I was teaching him things - in retrospect he was teaching me so much more.
If you’re still reading this I need you to know that Matt was a man. He did the shit he said he would do. He was consistently working on his own mental, physical, and spiritual growth, he guided me when I didn’t want his guidance, he supported me and believed in me and that is what love does. It sees you and holds you as you are. He never tried to change me and I can’t say the same. (The guy wore decade old dirty Pumas and corduroy Levis in the summer and I just couldn’t handle it. LOL) He always had great advice. He would help literally anyone, with anything. He once helped me move from an apartment in the Valley to Santa Monica, taking a refrigerator up a flight of stairs in exchange for sushi. I was ecstatic to spend time with him and was certain I’d convince him to love me that day. Let me be clear, that man’s number one love was albacore. He was sensitive and passionate and funny and selfless and introverted and reliably good. His impact in death is beyond what anyone could imagine, not that anyone wants to imagine ANY of this.
As I’m writing this now - it’s been exactly 12 days.
Twelve is his number.
His birthday is 12/12.
Twelve days feels like 12 hours and 12 months at the same time.
The love and unending support from my family, my closest friends, my online community, folks I haven’t seen or spoken to in decades, and total strangers has engulfed me and I don’t know how to receive it. This feeling of loss is so primal and confusing that I’m learning hour by hour.
It occurred to me on Saturday, one week from his passing, that perhaps the reason I felt the most intense and sensational connection with him that Tuesday night in 2002 was because my soul recognized his. My soul knew that this was going to be a profound connection beyond my understanding. That was our contract. My soul knew I’d be walking him home one day. Matt and I endlessly discussed the metaphysical, NDEs, God, quantum entanglement, time travel, angels, this matrix, etc. In the car. At dinner. Walking Moose…it was an ongoing investigation.
I’m not exaggerating, it was a through line to our relationship and one of the reasons I feel compelled to move forward with such confidence in God’s love, light, and brilliance. Matt and I loved our life. We spoke these words out loud, often. Was it perfect-absolutely not-but it was really, really good.
At least once a day, I break down so intensely that my abs cramp up and I beg the universe to undo it. Now I’m living a reality that tasks me with unpacking the unknown without him … this was never my expectation.
What I know for sure is that Matt is very much still with me. I receive daily Godwinks. Next week’s email will blow your mind…trust me on this.
We can disagree about the details of this life, religion, what happens when a soul transcends the body and yet at the end of the day, energy doesn’t die. It transmutes itself. It changes. You and I (and that co worker who drives you insane) are connected in ways we’ll never know - all that really matters is how well we do walking one another home.
More and more, I feel the strangest comfort because Matt continues to walk with me, providing a blanket of signs, and with such grace.
Matthew Michael Hobbie, I love you my darling.
…and I love you too.
OKAYILOVEYOUBYEEE,
xx
Nicole
ps. If you feel inclined to help there is a GoFundMe organized by Lindsay Switzer and the El Segundo Football team (Matt was the offensive coordinator) and a MealTrain organized by my dearest friend Alysha Henrikson, that is helping raise money, deliver meals for Beau and myself. Please know that your words, emails, supporting this substack, prayers, calls, hugs are more than enough. I mean that and I thank you from the depths of my being.
pps. I’ll be offering October Fit beginning Friday 10/6-10/28. It would be an honor to have you with us. I will be starting slowly as strength has taken on a new meaning this month. Ladies, if you’ve been hesitant to try my program, this month we will be moving even more tenderly and intentionally. My word for October is EARNERSHIP. I’ll share more as we go…Thanks to my dear friend Bari for imparting this wisdom.
ppps. I’ll be teaching my first in person yoga class on Sunday 10/8 10:45am at Aviator Nation RIDE in Santa Monica, if you’d like to pop in … Sign up here.
pppps. I want to leave you with my all time favorite quote and the tattoo I never got because it’s too long and I’m too scared of that sort of commitment:
“We each carry within our hearts a divine element, torn from the womb of existence, ushered crying into the world, we spend all our energies in the pursuit of a state of happiness. This restless, incessant drive is no more than that divine element within us seeking it’s origin”.
-St. Augustine the new Theologian
Beau and Matt visit the aquarium. He used this pic as evidence that Androids always take better pictures than iPhones. And he is right, per usual.
We reunited with our acting coach Andrew Magarian of Simply Acting, Inc and classmates back in 2016. Sweet Kimberly McCullough (the catalyst for how I met Matt) is in yellow here.
Some of my longest friendships…these folks saved me on the day of his passing. Also, my mother, father, and brother Ryan, sis in law Jess and Jenna Bryant and Jordan Noone (not pictured.)
My biggest fan. He surprised me and had this shirt made after I launched YOLKED.
And the below video was made just a week or so before he passed away at our book signing at Barnes & Noble in Los Angeles. I’ve been hesitant to share this because it feels so intimate and I don’t want it to be about me. Thank you to Girl Squad Media for putting this together. To see him and Beau together like this, putting up with my antics, loving me from a distance, it gives me life.
Forever grateful he loved us.
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